Diary of a Non-Binary

Part Twenty

A Letter to my Parents:

There are a lot of things in my head that I've kept from you. I know you'll ask if I'm okay from time to time, I know you aren't ignoring me, and the reason I feel so terrible is not your fault. The reason I'll never tell you how I truly feel is because you won't take me seriously. You'll tell me that I'm over-acting, or tell me I'm going to stop thinking this way in a year or so, or you'll apologize for making me "upset" and forget about it the next day. I know you'll do just that because you already have. Multiple times. You've done something I told you specifically not to and disregarded it like just a "teen problem". I know you want me to be your little girl and wear dresses and makeup and style my long blonde hair and play soccer or be in the dance team, but I'm not that person. I never will be that person you thought I would be. I know I've crushed your dreams of walking me down the aisle in a pretty white dress to meet my husband, your dreams of getting grandchildren, great-grandchildren, from me. I am, again, not that person. Thinking back, I was never your little girl, just a kid being put into the school's gender roles and going with it, because it was most convenient. I was much too scared back then to try speaking my mind like that, it was unheard of. Even now, I'm silenced by my fear of what you'll think of me if I spill it all out to you. I mean, I typing on a screen in a dark-ass room, not even planning to share this with you. I'm not doing this to disappoint you, I would never want to do that. Trust me, if I could make this easier, I would, but this is the way I am, so I have to live with it. I'm pretty sure there's no one deciding that I should be like this, but if there was, it's certainly not me. I'm okay with it, as crazy as it sounds. I might be contradicting myself, but I really wouldn't change anything for the world. I might be a bummer sometimes, and I apologize for that, but I hope it doesn't make you hate me too much. I've forgotten what I was going to say next, so I'll just end it here.

I still love you guys,

~Your son