Diary of a Non-Binary

Part Sixteen

I've always wondered why it is that trans* people need to conform to the gender roles of their identities more than cisgender people do. I mean, It's generally thought that trans-women need to wear dresses and wigs and make-up, and trans-men need to wear jeans and sweatshirts, and that's not including stuffing bras, binding, and packing that "has" to be done. Also anyone falling on the non-binary scale "has" to look super androgynous for some reason. I honestly think that's a ton of bullshit. Just because we're trying to transition or not doesn't mean we have to wear certain things or act certain ways. I personally identify as non-binary male, as I've stated before. I wear jeans and my sweatshirt every day and I sort of half-bind my chest with a few sports bras. I also have really short, masculine-looking hair. I also play the flute, I love sweet things, and try to make artwork. Your gender identity shouldn't rule over what your interests are. You can like whatever you want to like.

*During science class in group work time*

"You should tell Jastram (our science teacher) that she should use male pronouns for you." Jaida said to me.

"I know, I should..." I trailed off.

"Just go over there right now and tell her while she's still not busy."

"I would... I don't know what to say though."

"I'll go over there with you. Or I can just call her over here. Just tell her that you would prefer her using male pronouns with you and that it's not good for you when people use female pronouns."

Before I could say anything else, she called Jastram over to our lab table. She talked to one more person and came over. "Do you have a question on the sheet?" She said.

"No, Ryan has something that needs to be told to you." Jaida told her.

"Is it something bad?"

"No," I said, kinda shaking, "I just wanted to tell you that I would prefer you using male pronouns when you address me from now on."

"Oh, ok, that's fine. Did I like say something wrong to offend you in some way?"

"No, he's just going around telling all his teachers what they should call him." Jaida stepped in.

"Well, that's fine, I mean I guess I already use male pronouns for everyone when I say 'hey guys' when you guys walk in."

We laughed. She left us. That was one of the better coming outs I've had.

There are some times where everything's going great, just wonderful. I'm having fun and talking with my friends, nothing could be better. Then, just out of the blue, I just have to feel terrible. Something in my mind just needs to bring up everything horrible that's ever happened to me and I start shaking, I can barely talk, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I normally end up leaving my friends behind and having to pull out my phone to try and distract myself from my own mind. Today was different though, I went back to my friends before it had passed to where I could hide it again and Coltan got worried about me. He eventually got me to talk and that really helped me. I'm really glad I can have people like him who are actually willing to help me.