Yawn {Phan}

seventeen

(pretty descriptive depression trigger / tiny mention of suicide in this one guys)

dan

I'm a mess.

Ever since Phil left, I have absolutely broken down. It's not even like he's died, he's just a few hours away from me. Still, though, now that he's not here I don't have to pretend anymore.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have my suspicions, of course, but I refuse to believe them. It can't be happening to me again. The first time it did, I nearly died. It was a miracle I got better; I got a second chance at normal life. I could hope for another recovery, but there are no third chances.

But that's not it, that's not what's wrong. I'm just... tired. That's all. I'm going to eat something and sleep and then I'll be better.

I pull myself out of bed reluctantly, slip on a sweatshirt as it's quite cold in my house, and head for the stairs. Normally, the carpet of my hallway tickles my feet as I walk on it in the morning, but today I feel nothing. I start to consider what I should make myself for breakfast, but a voice interrupts my train of thought.

Don't.

I inhale sharply at the thought and stop in my tracks. No.

Even though I know my suspicions are wrong, I'm still curious, and so I run to the washroom and fling open the cabinet, sorting through various items to find the orange bottle I'm looking for.

-

When you're a lavender, depression is a little different from normal. Any neurocategory can get depression, but it seems to be most common and most severe in lavenders. 

Typically, it starts suddenly. You'll feel great one day, and the moment you wake up the next it's taken over you. Nothing seems important anymore, not even your own self. You're so upset all the time you can't even produce tears. Most of your time is spent staring blankly at a wall, trying not to concentrate on your demons that point out every flaw in your being and make you feel like nothing.

Of course, there's the stereotype among depressed individuals that they're attention-seeking and being dramatic. As one could guess, these stereotypes are added on to the long list of those which are all already attributed to lavenders. Somehow, the greater power who designed everyone's minds just saved all the inconvenient and bad characteristics for lavenders.

I was diagnosed with depressive personality disorder when I was sixteen. Self-derogating depressive. The doctors figured it was genetic, as both of my parents were lavenders as well. It was also partially brought on when three months earlier, my dad committed suicide from the very same disorder. He hanged himself in our backyard. Him and I were so close, and when his depression spiked we grew apart. It was a big hit to me when he died.

The first thing in my life that went were my friends. Oh, sorry - "friends". The shit people I associated with got distant once I started being depressed and then I was alone, which made me go down even further. Nobody can tackle depression alone. 

Then, my grades went. I used to be a good student, and I got high grades on everything I did. Once I became depressed, though, I lost my motivation and completely erased every future plan I had out of insecurity and self-loathing. 

Finally, my self-esteem went. Any shred of like I had for my physical being and personality disappeared in favour of hate. Every time I looked in the mirror (which wasn't often - I actively avoided it in fear of myself) my demons pointed out something different I noticed about myself. 

My mom recognized immediately that I was depressed, and got me on anti-depressants as not to lose two people to the disorder in the same lifetime. For a while, though, I didn't take them. My whole life, I will regret the year when I lied to my grieving mother and told her yes, I did take my pill today, I didn't flush it down the toilet because my head told me I'm not worth it. Soon enough, she found out. I got yelled at for a very long time and that in itself scared me into taking them.