Differences

part twenty-one - frustrations

Everyday was a challenge for Tessa. 

She may not be dying, sick, or without a home. 

Everyday she lived, and sometimes, it's not what she wants. 

Her work place had become her nightmare, every night she had horrible dreams, flashbacks, and all of it was of a winter day during her Freshman year. A day where she blamed herself when she was only the victim, on that day she was taken advantage of. 

A better word for it, would be rape. Her innocence being ripped right out from under her own feet at 13 years old. 

It wasn't just that day that came to mind whenever she closed her eyes, but she'd have flashbacks of even worse times. Memories that she suppressed from when she was a small child. 

It was hard, because now they were coming back, she was restless at night because she was realizing that some of her extended family were somewhat too friendly as teenagers when she was just a toddler. Sometimes, this would even lead to her crying, laying awake and wondering what she did to deserve any of that, and why it brought her down such a horrible path when she lived in Indiana.

Moving back to her hometown seemed to be the only solution, it fixed her, helped her to forget. 

Three years later and now her work was no longer a safe zone, her general manager had begun to pray upon her and another co-worker who she was good friends with. Not wanting it to go any further past his attempts, she tried terminating her own employment. 

But the owner and a few other managers began to set her back, trying to guilt trip her into staying. Begging for her to not leave. 

She thought maybe, just maybe, they really needed her. But then again, she did find out that they had said the same thing to her co-worker who also trying to escape the dreaded place.

Tessa was sick of going to work and being scared, being uncomfortable. It should be a comfortable work place. But instead, she was terrified for her life and her own well-being. She wasn't going to physically die, but she felt that if she were taken advantage of again.. she wouldn't supress the memories... she would just die inside slowly till becoming a shell.

This is what she was scared of. 

She was scared of the nightmares that came to her every night.

Scared of realizing that the people she trusted once thought of her as a toy. 

Sometimes, she was frustrated. She kept all of her nightmares, all the gory details to her self. She was frustrated because she felt there was always something wrong with her. 

And she was frustrated because she couldn't tell Max all of it. She couldn't take it if he got upset as well, he had enough on his plate for her to bother him with her silly nightmares. To come crying to him every time something would happen. 

Even thought she wanted to, she felt wrong about it because she just didn't want to make him angry or upset. No matter what, he deserved to be happy, not share her burdens. 

He already had a large knowledge of her past with him. Maybe one day she could talk about what happened to her in the flashbacks, but for now, she didn't want to worry him. To stress him out more than he already was. 

This also frustrated her. Because even when she wanted to run to him, to her mother, sister. She couldn't, he was already upset over her general manager. 

Her mother would cry, and she didn't enjoy that, she hated making her cry.

And her sister wouldn't care, at one point she would have. But they've grown so far apart since moving to Michigan that she didn't even feel that they were related any more. 

Besides for all of this, all of the memories of sexual abuse and her work place becoming a hazard. 

She suffered from head pains that would transpire from her neck and back, ever since her sessions at Physical Therapy had stopped. She would begin to feel large concentrations of sharp, small pains along the top of her spine and her neck. 

When those would start, so would the terrible head splitting aches. Sometimes they rendered her immobile, every sense of hers focused on the horrific pain. Walking it off wouldn't work, the doctors no longer help, and the nerve blocks she received only would last two to three weeks when they were meant from three months. Already she has had four shots in the head in the last two months. 

Sometimes, she just wish time would stop. She wished she could forget about her past and draw herself a new one. 

But she couldn't. She was stuck while going forward in life. 

The only hope she has now is to have a bright future, one away from her extended family. From her troubles. To get away and just be happy finally.