Reminiscing

Drunken State

Me.

Despite being in a room filled with plenty of others, she had directed her gaze specifically at me.

I remember being so naïve and thinking I had experienced 'love at first sight'.

When Nancy and I first began dating she had awakened so many feelings within me. Feelings I hadn't experienced before. I couldn't recognize them much less accept them. Not at first. So she was extremely patient with me and always made me feel special. All of the time. Whether we were in private or in public--it made no difference. I never had a reason to question her loyalty or love for me. There was no doubt in my mind that she was the one. Because when she smiled at me I felt like I was the only person that mattered to her in this world.

I was such a hopeless and naïve girl yearning for her love.

That's why I accepted her marriage proposal as a teenager. She was five years older than me and my parents were never too fond of her. They persistently tried to talk me out of my decision arguing that I still had a lot to experience.

I never listened.

How I wish I would've. God knows the difference it would've made in my life.

After our wedding and honeymoon, things began to change. The tension was slowly building up day after day causing Nancy to have hundreds of mood swings. Bitter words began to replace the reassuring ones that I once couldn't get enough of. Only making me realize that what my brother had warned me about was true.

All Nancy wanted from me was one thing.

Thrilling was the chase that leads to our marriage. And once that was conquered she was no longer intrigued. What else was I supposed to believe?  In my eyes that was the only logical reason for her to distance herself from me.

In our years of being married, Nancy has said so many hurtful words to me that I could no longer remember the familiarity of what her caring voice sounded like. She has not only harmed me verbally but physically as well. Her protectiveness over me was comparable to that of a man. I wasn't supposed to cast so much as a second glance towards any woman because Nancy was already b*tching about how I was staring at them with lust evident in my eyes.

It wasn't true. But you try and explain that to someone blinded by jealousy and anger.

What's truly sad is the fact that she has never bothered to buy me flowers on our anniversary or given me a simple birthday hug. I would have to be extremely lucky to even get a muffled 'happy birthday' from her.

That's when it had dawned on me that I would never truly be happy while being with her.

I wanted out.

I wanted out so bad that it actually pained me. I could still remember myself lying on an empty bed after receiving my third beating from Nancy. The stinging trail left by my tears as they made their way down my bruised face. That night the realization hit me like a freight train.

Marrying Nancy was the worst mistake I had ever made in my entire life.

I was afraid of mentioning a divorce to Nancy in fear of her kicking me out of her apartment. Of course, I had a job, but I was nowhere near ready to begin living on my own. So after that night, I began to save up money into a separate account. I wasn't going to fend off of others and I wasn't going to take anything from Nancy. I wouldn't allow myself to be humiliated that way. I wouldn't receive a thing from her, the reason behind why I had to leave to begin with.

I was much more mature and responsible for my age.

All thanks to Nancy, I thought bitterly.

After her downhill spiral, I had to take care of all the bills. I had to make sure everything was paid on time and that everything was taken care of. At least Nancy had the decency to let me use her money to pay for all our necessities. She never questioned me about bills, she just provided me the money to pay for them and leave her alone.

I didn't really care about her health, safety, or presence. Not to be harsh or inconsiderate but she was purposely killing herself with the alcohol and excessive smoking. I'm pretty sure she did drugs as well. I wouldn't put it past her at this point. So if she didn't care enough for herself then why should I?

She wanted to be left alone and that's pretty much what I did.

I was glad that we never got around to adopting. I wouldn't have been able to tolerate this behavior of hers with a child around. I really wanted a baby. I just didn't want Nancy involved in my baby's life. She was a bad influence and I didn't want her messed up life to be reflected onto them.

When I finally managed to get a very limp Nancy to our bedroom and help her to bed, I walked over to my side and plopped myself down. I snuggled the blankets closer to me as I closed my eyes. I would at least try to catch a few more hours of sleep.

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