Carmen - Lana Del Rey FanFic

Chapter 8: I'm A Mess

I've survived one week of hell so far. The voice has won so many times and left with with cuts and bruises everywhere. Although , something good did happen this week. Lana agreed to see me again. She'll be coming tomorrow evening and spending two days with me then resuming her tour once again. I'm so excited to see her that i could explode. Ive cleaned so much that i don't even recognize the place. Now all i have to do is make my self presentable and that starts by finding an outfit that covers most of everything and the rest i can just blame on Callie, my cat. But now I'm going to sleep! 

               -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I awoke in a hurry, Lana was going to be here at 11:00 and it already 10:30! I quickly grabbed the outfit i picked out last night and threw it on. I decided i was going to wear a pink floral dress that came down to right above my knees. I covered my arms with a flowy white jacket that covered all of my arms. Man, i really hate hiding all of it, its such a hassle. I ran into the bathroom and brushed out my wavy morning hair. I then checked my self once more in the mirror before sitting down on the couch to watch T.V. and wait for Lana. 

She really didn't take that long, just one episode of Spongebob. Before i opened the door i took a deep breath to calm my excitement. I twisted the knob to see lovely Lana looking even more beautiful then ever and right next to her is her sister Chuck. Great, now I'm going to have to deal with her this week. Oh well, I put a smile on and let them into my house. "Wow, what a beautiful home you have" Lana spoke for the first time in weeks. "Thanks" I say back to her. Soon after Callie runs up to her.   "Oh well who's this little kitty?!" Lana asks dropping her bags to pet Callie. "That's Callie" I answer. "Awh she's beautiful" Lana says giving her one final pet then standing up and picking up her bags from the floor. "Thanks." I say unsure if i should be thanking her, "Let me show you to you're rooms."

I led them down my hallway to a spacious yellow room with a view of my back yard. The room had two twin beds and resembled a hotel room. Mostly because I'd sometimes rent out my extra rooms to nearby collage kids during the school year for extra cash. "You'll be staying in here and the bathroom is down the hall to the left if any of you need to use it." I tell them.  "Was just about to ask that haha" Chuck said heading down the hall. That was weird she said something not rude and sarcastic.

 "Sooo" i say to Lana as i sit on her bed. "Sooo" she repeats putting clothes into the closet. "Did you miss me?" i ask her. "I guess so" she says putting a shirt onto a hanger. "Guess so?" i reply confused. "Well..yeah. Was i supposed to miss you? I've only known you for a week" she says her voice slightly rising. "Well i guess it was long enough to say that you love me!" i tell her almost yelling. "I meant that i love you like a best friend." She says calmly as if those words had just popped into her head that very second.

"Then why did you kiss me!" i say angry and upset. "You kissed her?!" Chuck said poking her head out from the side of the doorway as if she were a child hearing her parents fight and trying to give her opinion. "Chuck go away" Lana said sounding exhausted. "No. I'm not going to go away. Why didn't you tell me I'm you're sister!" she yelled at Lana. "Because it was a mistake" she says still with her calm voice "A mistake?!" I yell at Lana with tears starting to fill my eyes. "Yes Carmen, a mistake. I was drunk the entire time." Lana says avoiding eye contact. "What are you talking about? I never once saw you drink a bit of alcohol the whole time! Only that Pabst Blue Ribbon at dinner where you said you loved me supposedly as a "Best Friend" yeah right." I yell at her with my voice beginning to sound scratchy from my tears.

"You know what i don't have to deal with this. I'm leaving" She says putting the shirt in her hand back in her suitcase, "C'mon Chuck."    "No." Chucks tells her, "What you did was wrong and you have to stop doing this whether its to guys or girls or whether you're drunk or sober." "Wait, you do this to other guys too? Is that who that Charlie guy on the phone is?" A  simultaneously  laugh comes from both Lana and chuck. "What?" i ask them. "Charlie is our brother" Chuck answers. "Oh" i say feeling incredibly stupid. "Besides i have a boyfriend. His name is Tony and actually he lives in this town and is the reason I'm here" Lana tells me, "And anyways, you cant  stay here Chuck. Who's going to take you home?" Lana asks as if that will get her to go with her. "I'll just call Keegan, I'm sure he wont mind. We can even have a shoot around here!" She tells Lana. "Well fine then" Lana says as she picks up her final bag a leaves.    

 At that moment i start crying because i realize that she never really did love me and how incredibly stupid i really am. I mean shes a girl.. and I'm not lesbian and she isn't either; But why did it feel so good to kiss her? 'Haha i told you she didn't really love you' " Oh go away voice, you're no help right now" i say aloud. ' I hope chuck didn't just hear that' "What?" Chuck asks coming closer. 'Crap. she thinks I'm crazy now' 'That's because you're are' 'I said go away'  'Never. Not until you're dead. Remember?' "Carmen? Are you ok?" Chuck asks me now sitting next to me. "Yeah, i i'm fine" i tell her a bit shaky. 'No you're not. Not until you cut at least. C'mon make blondie run too' "Stop!!" i yell covering my ears as if it would block the voice out. "Carmen!" She says trying to shake me out of it. 'C'mon cut, you know you want to' "Fine!" i yell as i take off to the bathroom. As i run down the hallway i can hear chuck run after me. "Carmen! Where are you going" she yells. I don't answer as i run into the bathroom and close the door behind me.

I open the drawer where i keep my blade and lift up the towel that i hide it under. I sit back and look at the drawer a little closer. My blade isn't there just the bottom of the drawer with a few small blood stains. i pick up the towel and shake it around. Its not in the towel either. I begin to shake in panic. 'You better find it.' "I'm trying!" I yell searching through every drawer. "Carmen!" Chuck yells while she bangs on the door, "You're never going to find it!" My head turns toward the door in confusion. I get up from the ground and open the door with what i assume to be tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes. "Find what?" i say. "Happiness.. You're never going to find happiness with this" she says pulling my blade from behind her back. "How'd you know?" i ask her curious. "You seem to not pay attention to whats covered when you're lost in Lana's beauty" she tells me looking directly into my tear filled eyes, "You lifted up one of you're sleeves before walking us down the hallway" "Well how'd you know it was in the bathroom? i ask her. "I didn't I just guessed." She answers me. "Well can i have it back?" I say with a cheesy smile hoping it would work. "No! this is mine now!" She says walking away.  I close the door once more and slide down against it. 'What am i going to do now?' The thought of no blade sends me into another break down. God, I'm a mess.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading! Hope this was good! Send me feedback if you liked it or not :)