The Crying Pennant

Part 2

  “Don’t get all self righteous on us now Biggs.  Just light the lamp in a common sense sort of way.”

  So in a common sense sort of way Biggs lit the lamp.

  “It’s dark.”

  “I know it’s dark.”

  “Even with the light on it’s dark.”

  A pause.

  “I’m getting muddled up with who’s spaking.”

  “Who’s spaking,” quibbled Biggs, “can’t you spell correctly Author?”

  “Correctly,” I typed.

  “That’s it Mr. Author sir, if you don’t stop trying to be funny I’m going to make a complaint to the funny characters union.”

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “Oh look there’s a dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door.  It wasn’t there just now.  I bet that author just put it there,” bibbled Quiggs. “Oi! Get the name right B I G G S not Quiggs,” corrected Biggs.

  “What, you mean that dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door to the left or the dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten door to the right?” questioned Arthur, as he looked from side to side.

  “It’s that author again Arthur, he’s messing around again, that door wasn’t there just now.”

  “What you mean the dark, mildew coated, metal....”

  “Shut up Arthur just go through the door on the right, the one we saw first.”

  “That’s a fine way to talk to your lord and master, I must say.”

  The dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door swang open, sorry, swung open with a high pitched, kind of wobbling falsetto creaky sound.

  “That was a high pitched, kind of wobbling....”

Biggs hit Arthur with the map he was carrying, to shut him up. “I didn’t know I was carrying a map.  Especially one that I could hit you with.”

  “Don’t you hit me with it again. Let’s just read it,” quivered Arthur.

  “If you quiver again that might give us some arrows.”

  So Arthur quivered and they had some arrows.

  Spreading the lamp on the floor they looked at the map. It showed a dungeon underneath an old castle.

  “That’s pretty scary, look we’re in a dungeon under an old castle. When I signed on to be a funny character I didn’t expect a Spanish inquisition.”

  They both looked around half hoping that a mad cardinal would leap out and threaten them but all remained quiet.

  “Well then, this is where we are, outside the room called the er!” erred Biggs.

  The author could not think of what to call the room.

  “Well any way we’re outside this room marked with a skull and crossbones, so we can assume that it’s dangerous,” said Biggs as he pointed at the map.

  The map said with disgust, “Didn’t your mother tell you that it’s rude to point?”

  This stunned Biggs and Arthur because they had not expected to meet a talking map.

  “A talking map, my, my, what will they think of next, I wonder how many silicon chips its got in it,” mused Arthur, because he liked to think of himself as a kind of computer expert.