Healing Scars

15. Talk

Kyler's P.O.V

The next couple of days were hard on me and Chris, specially on him. Everytime I didn't eat a full meal he would be upset the rest of the day, not at me though, I think he was upset at himself. I tried to tell him he didn't have to worry about me, that it wasn't his fualt I was so fucked up, but he didn't listen to me. So for the next couple of days, I saw him slowly wasting next to me. The frown on his face never seemed to go away, and everytime he would hold me the only thing he would talk about is how my ribs were poking out and how I needed to eat more.

It's not that I didn't want to get better, because I did. I wanted Chris to stop worrying about me, I wanted him to be happy, mostly; I wanted to be normal. But after every bite I would feel disgusted with myself and just couldn't keep it down. I knew it pained him, but I wasn't strong enough to stop on my own. So I wasn't suprised when one evening he told me we had to talk.

We sat down at his house and he sighed, his eyes avoiding mine as much as he could. I wasn't nervous though, I had been expecting this for a long time and I had prepared myself to face it. Chris seemed tired.

"Kyler." He spoke and I knew he was trying to sound strong, but his voice sounded shaky. "You know that I love you, right?"

I nodded.

"Well, I love you too much to let you do this to yourself." Chris paused. "I know you don't want to stop, I know you think you're not thin enough or some bullshit like that and I've been trying." He paused again, trying to sound confident. "I've been trying so hard to help you, but I can't. I can't help you and I can't lose you, so I think you need someone else to help you."

I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. I tilted my head, fronwing. "What do you mean?"

"I want to get you professional help."

"You want me to see a shrink?" I cried. "You think I'm crazy, don't you? If you don't want to be with me, it's okay, but you don't have to send me to a fucking shrink to get rid of me!"

I felt his arms wrapping around me, but I wanted out. He thought I was nuts, he hated me. I struggled to get out of his embrace, but he was stronger than me. I cried silently on his chest while he tried to find the right words to say.

"I love you and I don't want to get rid of you." Chris whispered stroking my hair. "If you don't want to do it for yourself, then I get it. But please do it for me, please." He begged.

"I've been trying to get better!" I cried harder. "I've been trying hard too, but I'm too messed up!"

"You're not messed up, Kyler." Chris replied with a deep voice and I was afraid he was angry at me. He never called me Kyler. "You have a problem, and it's okay because we all have problems. At least you stopped cutting."

I tensed and he noticed. I felt his heart beating faster against my chest.

"You stopped, right?" The concern in his voice was like a dagger in my stomach. I didn't answer, but he knew that the silence meant no. "You promised you would call me." He pulled away and snapped at me. "You promised you would try to stop, Kyler. I can't believe I was so stupid."

Tears were falling down my cheeks, but Chris didn't wipe them with his thumb like he always did. Instead, he started shouting angrily at me.

"What else did you lie about?" Chris grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me hard. "Do you even care about me? Do you even care about how bad you're hurting me?"

I started crying harded. "Let- Let go! It... It hurts!"

Chris pulled away with horror. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Ky." He tried to touch me but I backed away, scared. I had never seem him angry before, let alone angry at me. It made me realize maybe he was just like Brandon, a bomb that could blow up in your face if he had a bad day. He looked like he wanted to kill himself.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what got over me." He said reaching out for me. I didn't back away agin, but I was still scared. He pulled me onto his lap and hugged me. "Can you forgive me, Ky-Ky?" I nodded quickly and he pressed his lips against mine. "I got angry and I'm sorry. I know it's not your fault. I still think you need professional..."

I was desperate for a way to change the topic and my mind was racing, so the words blurted out of my mouth like vomit and I couldn't even believe I said them.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?"

Chris froze, his arms were stiff around me and he was holding his breath. I wanted to punch myself, it was obviously a sensitive topic.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I quickly added. "I'm sorry. I..."

He buried his face in my neck and purred. "I'll tell you if you really want to know." Chris bit my neck before he looked up and started talking again.

"I was fifteen and I was angry because the boy I liked didn't like me back. It sounds so stupid, but that's how it was." The pain in his voice made me shiver. "He was my bestfriend and I loved him to death, but he liked me as a brother you know... I had lots of 'friends' and I had a happy family and stuff, but I loved him." His laughter filled my ears, it was a bitter laugh. "And I couldn't have him. So the day he started going out with his new girlfriend I took a whole bottle of aspirins and slit my wrists in the bathtub."

I felt myself getting more and more jealous and Chris noticed, maybe because of the sudden blush on my cheeks or the angry expression on my face.

"But I don't love him anymore, I love you, Ky." He whispered before going on with his story. "Now, I've never told anyone about this, but I did it because of Brandon too. He stopped talking to me and I didn't know why. We had always gotten along well and... suddenly it was like he hated me. So I thought with me gone he would be happier."

Chris' blue eyes were sad so I hugged him tightly, letting him play with my hair.

"I love you and I'm sorry I'm like this."

"I love you, too, Ky-Ky." He cooed and smiled.

"Maybe... Maybe I should get some help." I stated quietly and I saw his eyes glistening with joy.

"I'm proud of you. I'm only doing this because I care about you." He kissed me. "And because I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy when you're around." I replied.

He raised his eyebrow. "Really? Are you happy enough to eat some pancakes with me right now?"

I didn't really want to, but the way he was silently hoping I would say yes was too much, so i nodded my head and smiled at him. He picked me up from the couch and carried me into the kitchen, sitting me on the counter while he prepared the pancakes.

Brandon came in with Denovan in his arms, fully awake and hungry. After the day Brandon had met him they were inseperable. We crashed here the day before and they had a movie night. My little brother reached out or me and I took him, seeing the hurt flash in Brandon's eyes. Oh my god, that shit is so weird. It was like they were bestfriends for real. Denovan snuggled into my neck.

"How did you sleep?" I asked, watching Chris throw an egg at Brandon, who returned it with tickles.

"Good. Brandon watched Toy Story 2 with me and it was cool." Denovan mumbled. "Can I go with Brandon now?" I chuckled and handed him to Brandon, who flashed me a smile and started playing with Denovan.

Chris laughed at something his brother had said and hugged me.

"Panckaes are ready!" He laughed.

I gulped, knowing I would have a real struggle eating them; but when Chris kissed my cheek I just didn't care about anything, because he was right next to me and that was enough.