Mama's Boy

Reflection

Josie tiptoed to her kitchen, as if she was afraid to wake her demons, moving to turn on her teapot and pulling out her favorite mug. As she listened to the water coming to a boil, she grabbed two peppermint tea bags and put them in the mug.

Staring out of the window, she let her mind wander off. She had asked a colleague to take over her yoga classes for a couple weeks. She had no modeling gigs coming up within the next month. She needed some time for herself.

Except to let her family know she was still alive and okay, she hadn't talked to anyone or even ventured too far away from her home. She only left to go to the supermarket once.

Her days swung wildly between meditation and tea drinking and waking up drinking drinking vodka as if she would find the solution at the bottom of her empty bottle.

When she heard the pot whistling, she moved to turn the stove off and poured the steaming water into her mug. Today was a meditation and tea drinking day.

Josie took her mug to her window seat as she stared down at the morning joggers on the beach, blowing the scalding liquid in her hands before having a tentative sip.

Nathan crossed her mind, his brown eyes staring into her soul as they shared an intimate moment. It wasn't the sex she was running away from. It was the way his eyes penetrated her. His arms around her slight frame, securing her. He awakened a part of her she had never even known was sleeping, better still that it existed.

How had he seduced her in such a way that she craved him more than she craved sex with him? How had he done that? She felt compelled to give herself to Nathan in ways Lenny could never dream of.

She had kept herself to herself for so long, and she liked it that way. The more she thought about it, she realized she had never given herself to any man that way. She had never divulged her truths to Lenny. She preferred it that way.

"What is this man doing to me?" she questioned herself, closing her eyes and heaving a deep sigh.

It had been days since she'd heard from Nathan, having turned her cell phone ringer off. Her house phone was for moments like this, when she needed to shut herself off, but her family needed to know she was still okay.

A part of her was yearning to be near Nathan, in his warm energy. That man had a light so pure, and she hadn't felt that in such a long time. It felt too good.

But she wasn't prepared to give anyone her jagged pieces. She liked it better to have someone love only what she willingly presented. She liked it better to crave to have a man inside of her than to crave a man beside her. It was easier, that way, to keep everything at bay. She didn't have to worry about anyone knowing about her wounds.

It had been such a long time since she had fallen apart, yet here she felt herself coming undone at the seams.

Josie had always felt safest in herself. The fact that this man had come and made his presence feel just as good as being alone made her push him away. He was already too close, and she didn't need him seeing any more of the broken pieces she didn't know how to put back together.

She made a show of being okay, day after day. So much so, she even believed it. She was okay with giving so much to the point that the man she was with didn't even realize that he didn't really know her. She knew already that that was going to be impossible to do with Nathan.

No part of her wanted to open up any more than she had. She didn't know how to share herself in that way.

"Who does he think he is?" she mused with a furrowed brow, opening her eyes and staring into the water now.