fix you // liam payne

chapter thirty-seven // straight to voicemail.

ellie's pov

I slump up the creaky steps of my apartment building, my arms full of every belonging of mine that had resided at the hospital. For now they act as a landing strip for my tears, which seem to have a never-ending stream. 

I struggle to unlock my door with my hands so full, but I eventually manage to push it open with my foot once unlocked. The silence of my apartment greets me, pulling me in with wide open arms. I drop my things the moment I shut the door behind me. 

Guilt sits in the pit of my gut as I think about Louis and Mia. I had just left the hospital without telling anyone - not that I could really get anywhere near Liam. I figured they're in good hands with the rest of the boys.

And I just really wanted to be alone. 

Actually, what I really wanted is the exact thing I couldn't have: Liam. I wanted to crawl into his lap and just cry. That's honestly what I've wanted to do since the boys walked in on us and I knew the end was near. But instead I hid from him.

How could I have been so stupid?

Liam may not be able to comfort me - I think I'm past the point of being comforted - but he could at least share my misery with me. We could talk out what's going to happen next, what's going to happen to us. If there even is an us left after this. 

My body shakes as I begin sobbing again, my thoughts going into the deep pits of heartbreak and fear. 

I kick my shoes off in the hallway and pad across my carpeted apartment in colorful socks, making a beeline right for my bedroom. 

My body collapses onto my mattress, forcing Crookshanks to scramble away before I completely squish her. I bury my face into my pillow and it doesn't take long for the pillowcase to become soaked with my tears. 

What if I never get hired at another hospital again? I was already a year into my residency, and now that's just time wasted. Will I become permanently unemployed? Will I have to go back to college and pick a completely new career path? 

My effortless optimism feels as if it has disappeared completely. I just keep thinking about those years  I put into becoming a doctor, all going to waste all because I fell in love. 

That thought digs a whole new hole in my heart. Love. I came to terms that the heavy feeling in my chest that made my head spin, and my stomach twist was love. I have never felt it before, but there's no denying it. As I was talking with Louis this morning, the mere mention of Liam's name brought a jittery feeling from my brain all the way down to my toes. 

I sure know how to pick a convenient time to fall in love. 

This is not how I had things planned in my head. I always figured that I'd have my career all in line and then I'd fall in love, with like an IT guy, or some other boring office job. Then we'd both take our boring selves back to our small little apartment and watch TV while we ate frozen pizza. 

That's all I really wanted. 

Instead I fell madly in love with my patient, which was far from being in my plan. It was more in my plan of things not to do. And not only is he my patient, but he lives such a wild and crazy life. He's traveling all the time, and he has paparazzi constantly following him. 

There would be no returning to one another after a day at work to a relaxing night at home. Instead it would be late night skype dates, or crazy travel schedules when I finally get some time off of work. 

And it's not as if I haven't voiced this concern before. Back in London, when we decided to give this whole secret relationship thing a go, I made sure I vocalized every small thing holding me back. Liam had a solution for everything.