Tell Me A Lie

Chapter 17

The dance was on my mind as I ate lunch with Jai at my side. We were facing the vast field with silence surrounding us. I enjoyed this type of silence, especially when my mind was on lighter subjects such as the dance.

It was odd knowing I had a date to the dance. Both excitement and fear were instilled in me after Jared asked me, and I wondered if the whole thing was a good idea.

For one thing, I seemed to be leading on Jared. He was a good guy and everything, but romance was out of my cards. It wouldn't matter if romance was in them anyways, because Jared wasn't someone I could imagine myself being with. Fucked up people like me were better off with fucked up people. It was the only way I could possibly not scare off the guy I was with.

Without thinking, I glanced up at Jai. For once, he wasn't smoking. Instead he was staring out into the field and I watched him, feeling something in my heart twist. I wanted to tell him about my date to the dance, but I didn't have the guts to for some reason. Probably because he hated Jared.

As if reading my thoughts, Jai asked, "Are you planning on going to the dance?"

"Yeah," I said cautiously, surprised that he brought it up. "How about you?"

"I am now." He smiled at me and my heart suddenly skipped a beat.

That was new. Jai had always said stuff to me like this, but I never reacted - until now, that was. It was strange.

"So, here's a crazy idea," Jai said, staring directly into my eyes. "Since I'm going and you're going, why don't we go together?"

I blinked, dumbfounded and confused by his sudden request. Deep inside I felt hope swivel up in me, but I fought it back down. Jai and I were good as we were. There was no way he could be asking me on a date anyways.

"Don't make me say it." Jai sighed. "Scarlett, please."

"Say what?" I asked.

I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know excatly what he meant. My heart was even pounding with anticipation as I stared at his glimmering eyes.

"Scarlett Rose," Jai said, sounding adorably nervous. "Please come with me to the dance."

My heart stopped beating. Staring at his sincere eyes, I found my mind screaming in delight. Blush rushed into my cheeks as I wondered why I was so happy. Why my heart was now racing at the thought of Jai asking me to the dance.

I stared at Jai, knowing at that moment that despite everything I wanted to say yes. Even if I was confused and embarrassed, I wanted to go to the dance with him.

I opened my mouth to tell him that, but I quickly clamped it shut as I remembered something suddenly. Jared. He had asked me to dance already.

My heart calmed down and the blood from my face rushed away. Staring at Jai who looked so nervous, my heart sunk. Suddenly, I wished I had been more upfront with Jared.

"I can't," I said, sighing suddenly. "I'm going with Jared."

"Jared?" Jai didn't bother to hide his surprise. "He asked you?"

I nodded, looking at the ground. For some reason I felt really disappointed. More in myself than anyone else, though.

"When did this happen?" Jai asked.

"A week ago," I answered, staring at my black boots now.

"And you didn't tell me?"

I looked back at Jai who was now frowning. You would think he was offended, but looking at his eyes I saw anger. An anger I had never seen before.

"Sorry," I said, growing nervous. "It's just..."

"Whatever," Jai cut in, sticking his hand into his pocket. "I guess I'll just stay home."

Jai suddenly pulled out his pack of cigarettes. I frowned as he took out a cigar and lit it. As if I wasn't there anymore, he just began to smoke it. Seeing him with it caused the usual heart drop I felt.

"You can still come," I said, wishing he would look at me again and forget about the cigarette he seemed to be focussing on.

Jai didn't reply and I felt my stomach drop. He was just staring out into the distance and how disconnected he looked bothered me. I had to blame the cigarette.

"I want you there," I added, hoping he would come back to me. "Honestly Jai."

Still he didn't say anything. He didn't even move, leaving me feeling helpless. I hated that feeling. It wasn't something I should feel. So staring at him and his stupid cigarette that was killing him, I decided to tell him how I'd been feeling for a while.

"I think you should stop smoking," I said.

To my surprise, Jai looked at me. Slowly, he blew out a puff a smoke, annoying me. This wouldn't end well.

"And why should I?" Jai asked.

"Because you're killing yourself," I said, frowning.

"We're all going to die one day," Jai said, raising an eyebrow as if death was nothing.

"But you're speeding up the process by smoking," I shot back.

"Well if that's the case I should smoke more often."

My eyes widened as he put his cigarette to his mouth. His words were like a knife to my heart because even though I had those same kind of dark thoughts, I didn't want to hear those words from Jai. For the very first time, I wished we didn't relate so much.

"Jai..." I put my hand on his arm, willing him to look at me. "Smoking isn't the answer."

"Maybe," he mumbled, eyes softening as they locked on mine. "But it sure as hell helps."

Sometimes I forgot that Jai was fucked up. It wasn't like I didn't know about it, but Jai was different than me. He was so good at pretending to be okay. He was so neutral when it came to everything that I believed that maybe, Jai was better off in this world than me. This moment showed me that we were both fucked up teenagers in a fucked up world.

"I'm sorry," I said suddenly, taking the cigarette from his mouth. "But Jai, I care about you."

I threw his cigarette on the ground and stomped on it. Jai's eyes widened but thankfully, he didn't seem angry at what I did. Instead, his eyes suddenly expressed a sad vulnerability I only saw once before.

"If you really cared about me, you would have picked me," Jai whispered, shrugging my hand off of him.

For a moment I was confused, but then I realized what he meant. As he stared at me with those sad, hopeful eyes, my throat constricted.

"Why do I need to pick between the two of you?" I asked, feeling as if a giant weight was on me. "I don't understand Jai. Isn't it obvious that you're the one I truly care about?"

"You said yes to Jared." Jai laughed bitterly. "You wouldn't have if you thought about me first, but it seems like you didn't."

"What can I do to prove that you matter to me?" I asked helplessly. "I don't understand why you're so insecure when it comes to Jared."

"I'm not." Jai suddenly stood up. "Okay?"

"Jai, what are you doing?" I asked quietly.

"Nothing, I want to be alone."

Jai suddenly walked off, leaving me all alone. I was shocked. Sad, hurt, and even angry. I didn't know why Jai was acting like this. I didn't understand him.

But as I stared at him as he crossed the field, my heart ached at the realization that he was broken. Those people were the hardest to understand because you could never really complete the puzzle to who they were, because the pieces of them were damaged. I knew from myself. I could never understand myself and why I felt the way I did most of the time.