I don't love

Part 11

Steve's POV

"I hope it won't be as much time until next time." Laura said to the Russian, red headed princess as we all was saying goodbye to the Barton's who were going home. "Maybe you can come for Christmas?" She said and Natasha smiled.
"You know I won't be coming for Christmas but I'll see you guys soon. Can't go to long before seeing these guys." She said as she rubbed her hand through Coopers hair. He giggled and went outside with his sister.
As soon as the Barton's had left, everyone took a deep breath.
"Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But those guys are too much for my brain." Tony said as he sat down in the sofa, looking exhausted.
"Maybe, that's because it's very small." Natasha said and I bursted out in laughter, Bruce joined me.
"Don't start a fight, Romanoff." Tony said annoyed and Natasha just smirked at him.
"So what about Christmas?" Pepper said. "I guess Clint's celebrating with his family but what are you all up to?"
Everyone was quiet.
"Well, I'm staying at home I guess." I said and the other nodded along with me.
"Me too. Jane's at some science thing over Christmas. She'll be back on Christmas Day." Thor said.
"That's wonderful! Tony and I actually thought about celebrating Christmas with all of you." Pepper said smiling.
"Bruce and Natasha? What about you?" Tony said and we all looked over at them.
"I'll be here." Bruce said smiling. Everyone smiled back and our looks turned at Natasha. She looked back at us with a little surprised face.
"Oh I don't celebrate Christmas." She said, raising her shoulders like it didn't matter.
"What?! Why?" Tony and Pepper asked surprised.
"Well, I've never celebrated it so I don't see the point of start doing it now." She said, tilting her head a little to the right.
Of course she didn't celebrate Christmas. There had probably not been anyone there to celebrate with her. Not someone to make her care for these such things. I don't even know her birthday. Or if she even celebrated it.
As much as it pained me, I understood her reasons.
"But can't you at least celebrate with us this year?" Pepper asked making puppy eyes.
"Fine. I'll be here for a while but then I have some things to do." She said.
Pepper agreed with the terms and was happy that Natasha would make it at all.

Natasha's POV

I do not enjoy Christmas. It's the time of year I've always spent alone. Well, I was always alone but I was more lonely than ever around this time. Because everyone had some families to go home to. When I was a child, before the red room, I mostly spent my Christmas on the streets. Trying to find some food or shelter. When I got trained, they took away all things that might bring love and kindness. So all of those things disappeared from my life.
But now, Christmas was around the corner and for the first time, I wasn't going to be all alone.

I was thinking of taking a walk outside in the cold and bumped into Steve on the way out.
"Oh hey, where are you going?" He asked, as his handsome smile was shown on his face.
"A walk." I said. "Want to tag along?" I said expecting a no since it's freezing outside, but got a yes instead.
The snow had fallen over New York City and our footsteps was shown in the snow behind us. It was dark outside and the cold air was like ice on my face. I didn't mind. I was used to it.
"Aren't you cold?" Steve asked, putting his hands in his pockets to keep them warm.
I laughed a little.
"Well, I'm Russian." I said and he nodded.
"Right." He smiled at me but it soon faded a little into a concerned look. "Can I ask you something?" He said.
"Yeah sure. What?" I asked curiously.
"When's your birthday?"
I chuckled a little, looking down at the snowy ground.
"22th of November, I think." I said.
"You think?"
"Yeah, I've been an orphan most of my life so I'm not sure, but that's what it says on the papers." I said and he nodded.
"Yeah, I get that." Steve said, and I knew he did. His parents died when he was very young as well. He haven't told me, I've read his file.
"My dad died when I was pretty young too. But I was lucky to have my mother for a little while longer." He said, giving me half a smile.
"Yeah well," I said. "I don't really know if my parents are actually dead." I said chuckling. He looked at me surprised. I tried to explain.
"I don't even know who my mother is or was. And for my father, well, he's no one I want to know." I said, feeling I've said too much. Why did he want to know my birthday? I don't even celebrate it that much. Clint does of course. But I don't see the day when I came to this world as something that positive. It had been better if I wasn't born, seriously. So many lives would be saved.
We went quiet for a while. I didn't freeze much but I could tell Steve was ice cold. I smiled and looked at him.
"We can go back if you want to." I said, laughing a little over how much he tried to hide the fact that he was as cold as he could be. Well, not really since he have been stuck in ice.. But almost.
"No I'm fine, I like walking with you. I just don't fancy the cold." He said, giving me a little smile.
"I would be surprised if you did." I said and we started walking back towards the avengers tower.
We didn't talk much at the way back. I was enjoying his company. I'm used to doing everything alone and liked it that way, but Steve.. He made me forget everything. I liked having him be my side. We were close to the tower when Steve suddenly asked me a question.
"Natasha, I forgot to ask you. Who do you want me to be?" He said as I stopped walking. He stopped as well and looked at me. My memories went back to the time in the car when I asked him the same question.
"How about a friend?" I said, smirking.
I started walking again and he grabbed my arm.
"I'm serious this time Nat." He said looking into my eyes.
"So was I when I asked the question." I said, just as serious. I took a deep breath before I finished my answer. "And I was happy with your answer."
Steve frowned.
"Stop playing games Natasha. I like you." He said.
"You shouldn't." I said as I walked away from him. Leaving him alone outside in the cold. His words made me furious. Of course I felt some kind of shit for him but he shouldn't feel it for me. I'm nothing of the sort he deserves. But I was egoistic. I always am. I want him beside me. Still, this time, I had to stop and think about others.
"Oh god lord Natasha! What were you doing outside? It's freezing." Pepper said as I walked inside the tower.
"I took a walk." I said and it didn't take long until Steve got inside as well. He looked at me and I stared back.
"Steve you too? What's gotten into you today?" Pepper said smiling at us.
"Well, I enjoy the cold air." He said, smiling. I lifted one eyebrow as I looked at him. What a bad liar.
"We're putting all Christmas things up. Come on!" Pepper said happily as she ran into the room where the others were. I hanged of my coat and went inside unwillingly. Steve literally pulled me into the living area, knowing I would hide in my room if he hadn't.

Steve's POV

I was helping Thor with the Christmas tree as I looked over to Natasha. She was in a couch with a big yellow cup of tea in her small soft hands. I knew she didn't mind the cold but you could tell she enjoyed the hot cup in her hands that are usually cold. She didn't help at all with the Christmas decorations and no one expected her to. We were all just happy to have her around, especially Pepper and myself.
"Can you believe it's already Christmas tomorrow?" Pepper said happily. Tony kissed her cheek and she blushed.
"I've never understood Christmas." Thor said. "And why a tree? It's weird." He said laughing.
"Thank you." Natasha said. And I smiled.
"Thor you don't understand. It's a really great holiday when you care for everyone and the ones you love." Bruce said.
"But shouldn't a person do that anyway? Like everyday?" Natasha said smirking at Bruce.
"Well, sure but it's a holiday of love. I think it's great." Bruce continued.
"God Bruce you're so cheesy." Natasha said and everyone laughed a little.
"How about you Cap? You like Christmas?" Thor said.
"Yeah, I love all it's cheesiness." I said smiling at Natasha. She rolled her eyes and took a zip of her tea.
"Let's all tell our best Christmas memories!" Pepper said. Steve, you start.
"Oh really, em.. Well, I only remember one Christmas that I celebrated with both my mother and father so I guess that's the best I've got." I said, trying to think of a better Christmas, but couldn't come up with any.
"That's sweet, but mine was last year when I bought another big teddybear for Pepper. It was great." Tony said.
"No Tony. It wasn't." Pepper said and rolled her eyes.
"I actually have one memory." Natasha said and everyone turned surprised. He raised her eyebrows to everyone's curiosity.
"Tell us." Pepper said smiling.
"Well, I think I was around 6 or something. I was wandering around on the streets looking for food to steal when this woman asks me how I'm doing." She started.
"That's it? Easy to please you Natasha." Tony said. Natasha gave him a death stare. He regretted what he had said and everyone laughed at him. 
"The woman took me to their place and gave me food. Well, I ate Christmas dinner with them. It was my first real meal in.." Natasha had to think about how long but continued with "a long time."
Peppers eyes got watery and she smiled.
"That's really great Natasha." She said and felt very sorry for her. I knew Natasha wouldn't like it.
"Wanna hear another one? I'm really great at ruining christmas. Ask Clint." She said laughing at Peppers compassion.
"It's getting late. We wouldn't want to be up all night and miss the Christmas morning." Pepper said and everyone just laughed at her excitement. But to not disappoint her, everyone expect Natasha started to go back to their rooms.
"You're not going to bed are you?" I said as I sat done on a part of the couch. She shock her head and smiled at me.
"How did your story end?" I said, looking at her. She looked at me surprised.
"How do you know it didn't end well?" She asked curious about my answer.
"I could tell." I said and she looked at me suspiciously.
"Her husband came home. I was beaten and kicked out on the street. I'm pretty sure he hit her too." She tried smiling at me. "No one wanted an orphan eating their food when they could barley survive themselves." She said.
"I better go before Pepper notice me out here. She'll freak if I'm not pretending to sleep or whatever." Natasha said as she stood up. She put her cup on the table in the little kitchen area.
"I'm really sorry for you Natasha. You didn't deserve what happened to you." I said, feeling an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. She looked at me and tilted her head a little to the right. She bit her lip a little and gave me a small smile.
She took a few steps towards me and didn't stop until she would step into me. She looked up at my face. Her eyes searched to find mine and stayed there for a while before they closed. She took her hand around my neck and pressed my face to hers. Our lips met for a while and I tried breathing in all of her smell. When the kiss stopped, she let go of my neck but we were still standing close. I couldn't resist and kissed her once more. I wrapped my arms around her waist and put my lips on hers. She didn't obey. When I stopped she looked me in the eyes.
"Merry Christmas." She whispered as she got out of my grip. She started walking away towards her apartment with light steps. It was impossible to hear her steps. She looked back at me with sad eyes as she turned around the corner.
I looked after her in silence.
I think I love her.