Life with(out) him

Chapter 16

Mira

My eyes scanned the entire area a million times but they couldn't find those warm paired, dark brown eyes. 'Stop being impatient, we're here earlier than the scheduled time of arrival!' Radha pointed out the board that clearly displayed that we still had about twenty more minutes to stroll around before we could meet our men. All the three of us were beyond exited at the mere thought of seeing them again. We sat down with a cup of coffee in our hands each lost in our own thoughts. I was pretty excited to meet Vikram and I wanted to show off the ring I had been wearing in my finger for over three months now. The ring that reminded me of him, the ring that always made me believe that he was there with me at every step in my life. I smiled as the thought crossed my mind. The disturbing thoughts of whether he'd even come back today were long put to rest.

'Waiting for me?' A husky voice spoke from behind us, all three of us turned around to see a smiling face looking back, it was Anuj. Natasha besides me couldn't hold it in any longer and squealed out loud like a child. I could see the happiness etched on their faces as they hugged each other tightly. My heart started beating faster as I thought about hugging Vikram and letting go all the troubles that had disturbed me for so long. Suddenly Radha started sprinting forward and as my eyes travelled along with her, I could see Shravan standing at the far end near the luggage counter. I smiled at the scene that was taking place in front of my eyes. I could see a happy Radha holding hands with Shravan, kissing his cheek while Shravan gently wiped the lone tear that was making its way down her cheek. I imagined Vikram doing the same to me. But where was Vikram? I couldn't believe my eyes, what was taking him so long? I started moving around frantically trying to find my handsome man. And not before long those disturbing thoughts starting clouding my mind once again. Did it mean he wasn't coming back? Or did it just simply mean he wasn't coming home right now? What do I make out of this? It felt like my mind could burst open any minute. My head started throbbing with pain suddenly and the vision in front of my eyes started to blur out. I started to feel faint. The last thing I could remember about the moment was Anuj picking me up in his arms and getting me home. How I wished it was Vikram instead of him.

By the time I opened my eyes, the colour of the sky outside had turned a darker shade of orange, suggesting that it was dusk, the day was coming to an end, and there still was no sign of Vikram. As my eyes slowly adjusted to my surroundings I could see the bare walls around, a desk with a photograph on it and a wardrobe. I realised it was Vikram's room. I looked around to see familiarity on the faces of the people sitting around me, a sense of fear portrayed all over.
'I'm fine now. Just that my head is still throbbing.' It was Ma who reached at me instantly caressing my cheek, 'You haven't had anything to eat since morning. I'll get you something, and you need to rest after eating that.' Saying that she turned to leave and suddenly stopped at the door, 'I think it'd be best for all of you to leave right now. Let her rest for a while.' And just like that slowly everyone along with Ma started moving out of the room. Everyone except Anuj. 'Go ahead Natasha, I'll be there in a minute.' I turned around to face Anuj with a questioned look on my face. 'Vikram always looked at Natasha like his younger sister and I just want to say that I'm here for you if you need me at all.' I knew he had probably much more to add to that but I couldn't stop myself from cutting his speech short, 'I do need you right now. Where is Vikram? Why isn't he home yet?' and before he could even manage to answer my questions I decided to voice my ultimate fear, 'I don't care if it's bad, I just want to know what's wrong?' and surprisingly I wasn't crying at all this time.

Anuj seemed baffled at my outburst but he closed his eyes at my fears. 'It's nothing like that. There was a war at some place, I cannot tell you the location, but the battalion needed volunteers and Vikram, the brave one stood up without thinking twice about it. He's fine, he's just still at war.' Anuj hugged me trying to console me and remove those fears out of my mind. 'I think you should still hold on to the fact that he's going to be back with us here, and we're going to see a smiling bride bear the name tag of Mrs. Vikram Shekhawat soon.' I smiled at that, of course that was the dream. Anuj continued further, 'I am the best man you know, I don't think I'm ready to give up on that feeling just as yet.' I sensed Ma's presence in the room. My eyes travelled toward the lady standing near the door listening to our conversation. Anuj immediately ran over to her and took the plate of steaming hot pancakes that she had baked for me in his hands. Keeping the plate down on the nearby desk he wiped the tears off Ma's face, 'He's coming back Ma. You know Vikram, the dare devil. He scares the hell out of us, but he's coming back.' Somehow Ma believed the idea earlier than I did. I guess experience did make it seem easy.

'Before I leave you to rest, I've got something for you. A little something from Vikram.' My eyes jumped with joy at that sentence from Anuj. I'm sure my face looked alive again as Anuj brought a letter out from his jacket pocket. 'That'd keep me at peace. Thankyou Anuj!' And with that I was alone in Vikram's room with the letter in my hand wondering what it could be. I opened it up to find two letters in there. I opened up the first one that fell out of the envelop. I could sense Vikram screaming out from the letter, the neatness of the writing, his particularity of writing the date on the right corner. It was dated recently, around a week ago.

Dearest Tot,
I'm sure this would reach you. I didn't want Anuj accompanying me at this war. Natasha and he had just gotten married. They still have days ahead of them. And I do know what you're thinking about right now, so do we. Don't get me wrong. I wish life were that simple, but it isn't. I do not want to give you false hopes darling, but where I am headed to is dangerous. But you know me and you know it in your heart that I had to stand up for this. I have it etched in my mind and my heart that I want to come back home to you, and I will always believe in it. But just saying, if I don't, then please don't do what you had been doing for the last fifteen years. Life without me won't be that bad, maybe you'd end up finding someone who's not so thick headed and who'd want to put you and your happiness before the love for our nation. I just had to say it even if I didn't want to so stop cursing me and read ahead.
If you ask me what I want, well I want to be selfish right now and I don't want you to picture a life like that, I always want you to have a life with me, forever. And if you do too, know that I always have loved you since the day I started calling you my tinytot. I will be back soon. I promise and I hope to keep this promise till my last breath. Take care of yourself and Ma.
PS: Hold on to our love and believe that I'm going to come back to you.
Love forever, Vikram

'Selfish idiot! How could you even think of asking me to move on in life when all these years I have yearned to be just with you? I don't care Vikram how dangerous it is, I want you back. I want you sitting right here next to me, holding me in your arms and telling me what a fool you'd been to think about such things.' I had to say this out aloud, for me to believe in it and hoping that somehow my voice would reach inside Vikram's thick head. I moved on to find the second letter inside. It was dated some eight years ago, probably the letter I'd been searching around the house. It seemed like that mean person had been carrying it with him this entire time!

My tinytot,
Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I couldn't imagine facing you and having you deal with the horror that your favourite person has made us go through. How could a tiny person like you deal with the fact that people can be mean enough to break homes? A person like you who believes in happily ever after. I just couldn't sum up the courage to burst that bubble of yours. Maybe I'm too devastated to be a part of your life. Maybe I'm not the perfect person for you. Right now I don't even know if I am the perfect person for anyone. I want the best for you, and right now it's not me. I want to prove it to that man that I am brave enough to face anything in life. And more importantly I want to prove it to myself that I'm worthy enough to be with you. And I've made a promise to myself that the day I think I've achieved this, I'll come back to you. That is if you'll have me, and if not I'd still be happy to see you move on.
Love forever, Vikram.

'You've always been a fool. I hate you from the bottom of my heart right now for not posting this to me back then. I hate you for deciding the best for me all by yourself when you knew that there's no one who fits the description other than you. You were and always have been the best for me. Prove whatever you want to, I don't care but come back to me like you have before.' I closed my eyes as I hoped deep in my heart that my voice would reach him somehow. I could see that smiling face, the twinkle in his eye, those dishevelled dark brown hair as I closed my eyes.

I woke up after a few minutes as my phone started ringing. 'Is this Mira Kapoor, Vikram's fiancée?'
'Yes. It is her.'
'This is Commander Randeep Singh calling from Kashmir, to inform you about Vikram.'
That just made my heart beat faster than usual. What was wrong?