Life with(out) him

Chapter 9

Vikram

I was toying with the gift in my hand. I couldn't help wonder what was inside that wrapped paper that made her want to keep it safe for fifteen whole years? I decided to find out, but was interrupted when Ma came inside my room. 'Vikram, are you alright son?' I looked at her dazed. 'I saw you cry out there on the porch, with Mira in your arms.' I breathed slowly. How could I possibly explain the complicated mess that I had going on in my mind right now to her? To Ma, who had witnessed worse than this? To the woman who had to sacrifice more than anyone just for my sake? Lost in these thoughts I didn't realise Ma sit down next to me until she placed her arm on my shoulder. 'You are a strong man, you've turned yourself into one. And I couldn't be more proud of you for that. But Vikram I am also proud of the feelings and emotions that you carry along with it. It's the fact that you cannot hide them that makes you my son.' I couldn't look at her in the eye. Especially when my own eyes were on the verge of brimming with tears at that. 'You know when your father..' She never completed that, because I cut her mid-sentence, 'He is not my father anymore. You should stop calling him that as well. The day he set foot out of that door he became a stranger for me. Our whole life took a complete turn because of that event. Because of that man.' But even though that incident still made me angry, it seemed like it no longer had the same effect on Ma. She was as calm as ever. 'No Vikram. I do not agree to that. He left us, and maybe what he did was wrong, maybe not. It's not our place to judge that. The fact remains that he is not with us anymore and what we do about this fact is what makes us the person we want to be. It is always in our hands.' I looked at her all the more confused.

'When he left us, I was shattered I agree but more importantly I did not know what to do about you. You were just fourteen years old back then. You had your whole life ahead of you. Would I be able to raise you alone? What effect would this incident have on your mind? I had a whole lot of questions but no answers. And then you came up to me and wiped my tears and hugged me saying it was all going to be okay and that you were the man of the house now!' We both smiled remembering that. I was naïve I agree. But I still was not understanding the point of this conversation. 'And then I realised that my fourteen year son was no longer as young as I had portrayed him to be. Suddenly you wanted to be someone brave, someone we all could be proud of, and accept it or not you wanted your dad to be proud of you too. And today we all are, and he must be too.'
'I still don't understand Ma, what has this got to do with anything?'
'You men do not understand anything about love do you?'
'Wait, what? Love?'
'You know you do love Mira right?'
'Ma! You are out of your mind. I do not love her. I care for her, I always have since childhood. You know that.'
'Yes I do. I've seen you two practically grow up together. You both have always been in love with each other.'
'Stop it Ma!' I stood up and started walking away from her. What was she talking about? 'You know you walking away, hiding your face from me is not going to change that fact. And before I leave, just so you know, the day we left it was your decision to leave without saying goodbye. Do not put that blame on anyone else.' I could hear Ma walking out of the door but suddenly the sound stopped at the doorway. I turned around to look at her questioningly, 'And lastly, before I forget the earlier you accept that you do love her, the better for the both of you.' She smiled and left my room at that parting sentence.

I sat still for a while with the gift in my hand, but my mind wandering to the words that Ma had just spoken about. Was I in love with her? What was love anyway? Leaving those thoughts to where they were I resumed to open the gift in my hand. The moment I saw the gift I stood very still. It was a watch. And looking at it, just like that, my mind wandered to the incident that took place seventeen years ago. I remembered Mira's words as if it were just yesterday.

She was eight when her maternal grandfather had expired. Mira was the apple of his eye. A few days after that incident Mira had come to meet me quite happy with herself and I couldn't figure out why. She showed me the watch on her wrist, 'Do you know what this is?'
'Whatever it is has certainly made you genuinely happy, and I'm glad that it happened.' She had smiled smugly at that. 'It is a wrist watch that Nana had got me for my birthday, Nani gave it to me today.' I had looked at her confusingly, was that supposed to mean anything? As if reading my blank look she had continued with her explanation, 'Well, with the ticking of this watch I can still feel Nana's presence everywhere I go.'
'Mira I'm glad for you to have found peace through this, but it doesn't work that way.'
'It does. It will for you as well. You will understand this theory only when you would lose someone dear to you.'
'So you want me to lose someone very dear to me?'
'No I don't. It's just the relevance that I made from Nana's. Maybe you'll understand the theory when you'd want to spend your time with the person dear to you. You'll be connected to each other through this watch then. See that's even better and sweet.'

I shook my head vigorously as I thought about that incident. She had got me that gift back then because she wanted to be connected with me? Was Ma right after all? Have we always been in love with each other? Of course I had to admit, I hadn't been attached to any other woman in my life other than Mira. Mira somehow always had the knack to figure out my mind one way or the other. And when it came to her so could I. But was this love? I picked up my phone from the side table and browsed through the familiar photos of hers on her facebook profile. The ones that I had seen umpteen times. Really? Was I in love with her? And before I knew it I was already on my way to composing a text message for her.

Me: You remembered.

And before I could even keep my phone down I got a reply.

Mira: Of course I did, there's nothing about you or us that I'd ever want to forget.