remind me ; troyler

Chapter Twenty Seven

Tyler's POV 

(only one part in the beginning is graphic and goes into detail about Connor's accident and mentions of anxiety, death, and past plans of suicide.)

When I first got the phone call it didn't really affect me or worry me to what was actually happening. I had no idea that as soon as I picked up my whole world would be twisted sideways and everything shattered into a million pieces. When I first got the phone call I didn't bother checking the caller ID because I was so inthralled by the beautiful blue eyed boy sitting across me. Its funny how in minutes I can fall heads over heels in love with him as if it hasn't been ten years. Perhaps I've always loved him so it didn't shock me to feel this way, but hell I know its wrong and god it hurt me to know he was right. We can't be together, we never can be together because if we do people will start asking questions. People will start digging up the past and pulling out little details that once seemed like nothing and destroy everything.

When I first got the phone call I was so obsessed with myself I didn't realize what I'd done. When I first got the phone call I felt my whole world collapsing and my face-- quite literally, drain from colour. The words seemed to muddle together and I kept mumbling incoherent words, I kept denying the reality, the truth that I'd unfortunately caused with my own selfishness. I should've picked up his calls. I should've manned up and faced him because it was my fault Matthew hurt Troye. And it was my fault and I should've picked up on Connor's growing desperation with each phone call, each message, each text. If I hadn't been so stupid and brought Matthew with me to dinner knowing that he could potentially destroy everything-- and so he did; perhaps none of this would have happened. If I had picked up one of Connor's calls he wouldn't have been found laying in the middle of the road with dried blood staining his beautiful face and his warm heart barely stuttering to keep him alive, but too weak and feeble to last. If only I returned a text he wouldn't be dead and maybe everything will be alright. But I know I'm lying to myself, nothing will be alright ever again, neither would it have before.

"Tyler? Tyler!" Troye shook my shoulders gently taking the phone from my hands. "Hey, what happened? You look like a lost boy after someone told you they slaughtered your kitten."

I flinched at his words and shrunk away from him instinctively as if his touch burned. "Troye-- its C-" My breath hitched and my heart skipped two four six in uneven beats as the familiar feeling of an anxiety attack took over my body. I pictured Connor's crumpled body laying on the cold, tar black road with dried blood streaming down his face staining his clothes and pale skin a vibrant red. The rain splashing onto his wounds and the words still unsaid dying on his lips as his last breath got knocked out of him in a force that only a blind vehicle moving at night could cause in one swift motion. I pictured his arms splaying out in disturbing angles and his pupils dilating to the point that the green can't be seen anymore. I picture his broken body and slowing heart, suddenly I don't see him anymore. I don't see Connor laying on the ground his body frozen cold from the rain, I see myself. I see me breaking into pieces and my own body shaking uncontrollably as tears drenched my face the way the rain drenched Connor's corpse. Corpse. What a strange word that is. What a disturbing way to describe the dead. What a terrible way of naming a fallen angel. 

Through Connor I see myself at the age of 18 standing on that road freshly out of high school looking for a place to start my new life away from Troye and my past. I see myself willing the cars to hit me every day after he left me. I see myself waiting for the big red truck to slam into my side and take away my misery and pain but it never comes because before me always stood an angel and that angel just so happened to be Connor. He gave up everything for me. He picked me up and offered to help me get to know LA better when all I wanted was to drag my feet around and complain. He helped me pick up my YouTube channel hence giving me a purpose in life. He was my best friend and with him the distant memories of Troye slowly started to fade from my mind even though each day he would grow and grow in popularity.

But now Troye came back into my life and replaced Connor. It was almost like life playing a game. As selfish as this may sound, Connor is the fallen angel that helped me unknowing to the price he would have to pay. Connor is the life line that kept my on track and kept me alive. But when Troye came back he had to leave. Because in life you can't have everything, you pick and you chose. You take and you leave, nothing will ever be in perfect unison no matter how hard you strive for it to be. Troye and Connor are like two opposite magnets that was my job to balance, but I did a terrible job of balancing that beam and I lost Connor. I lost him because I was selfish and ignorant. 

Grabbing Troye's hand I yanked him out of the coffee shop tossing random coins onto the table for the coffees we never got around to drinking and bolted for the door. We're running so fast that we never look back and though not ever one sees we've got this crazy chemistry between us. Jump starting the car I turned to him my eyes wild and breaths heavy. "Lets go do something crazy, don't you want to see the world? All the countries and the stars, that makes up our universe because this city is a bore and sometimes livings too hard? Lets go insane, its just for tonight." And so we went throwing everything away, making bad jokes and puffing e-ciggaretts while watching the shooting stars beneath the silver moon because finally I realized. You don't have to say I love you to say I love you because we're two halves of one heart, two odds that makes one even and I'm ready to jump, I'm ready to swim if it means keeping the beautiful blue eyed boy by my side forever.

••O••

a/n

hey guys I'm so sorry these updates are so short and crappy, i promise once winter break starts i'll go full on long chapters. a lot has happened recently so its hard to keep up with everything. so all i can say right now is i hope you have a good day, week, month, year, life, whatever. you deserve it.

ily,

kelly