remind me ; troyler

Chapter Twenty Five

(a/n- sorry in advance, whoops.. my finger might have slipped while writing this. wanna give me some comments and votes? haha ya know the drill. ;))

Connor's POV

@TylerOakley

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My finger skimmed over the keys and just as I tried to retract I forced my finger down and I did the one thing I never thought I would do. Sitting back, my hands shaking I gazed down dazedly at the bright screen thinking how this was the beginning of the end. Immediately tweets of confusion flooded in with distraught fans as one by one people started to take notice. It no longer shocked me to see how fast news spread, how every word I said and picture I took was over analyzed beyond belief. All I wanted was to take back my actions and apologize for everything. But I'm burning all the bridges now and there's no going back. I'm a wuss because I can't stick up for my own actions, I can't face him because I know I did something wrong. Perhaps one day in another life I will be able to beg for his apology. Maybe, one day I'll look back at all this and would all be a stupid game.

Friday night is young and most are out living and having the time of their lives, but me with all the remaining energy I have left is spent fending off the growing migraine pulsing behind my eyes. And for the first time in years i felt myself back teetering on the edge of depression, an act of sadness I never wanted myself to fall back into. Tyler once saved me from drowning in self hatred, perhaps thats why my biggest fear is drowning. Scared that the next time I fall no one will be there to catch me. Though isn't it ironic how I'm a swimmer yet my greatest fear is my biggest achievement?

And now as I sit at home seconds turning to minutes to hours texts and messages pilling up in my phone all I can do is wonder if I've made the biggest mistake yet by shunning off the only people who seemed to care about me. No, my mistake, people who used to care for me. I'm such a big fuck up, ruining everything for myself and turning everything I touch from gold to dust. A burning, uncontrollable spark that will destroy everything in its way. Thats me. Nothing but destruction and continuous downwards spiral of sadness.

My fingers searched the rough fabric of my couch cushions looking for my phone, and without needing to turn it on manually flashes of messages danced across the screen lighting up the dark room. I think it was the first time since I moved in to my apartment that my living room was devoted of light and much less with life.

9:43 PM

The ground seems to tilt beneath my feet as I shakily stood, stomach lurching I made my way to the front door. Rain splashed down in relentless sleets as I slugged down the road hunched over in cold, for all I could think about right now was going somewhere, anywhere that would make me forget the feeling of dread and guilt. The city lights flashes before my eyes as I ran blindly down streets and dirty alleyways my reflection blurred from grit and dirt in the muddy puddles never to be seen again. Just like me, I don't know who I am anymore, certainly not the same cat loving and coffee drinking boy everyone knows. Not the son my parents want, not the brother my siblings look up to, not the friend a person would want by their side. I guess I'm just defeated by life, and sometimes I don't want to fight on anymore, but I know I'm weak and I'm not strong enough. I know that if let myself go undefeated I will be a hypocrite to my own words, so I try to pick myself back together, but-- 

A large red truck comes skidding down the highway headed straight for me and time seemed to freeze, my breath cold as ice stuck cemented in my throat. My legs turned to noodles and nothing seemed to make sense anymore. All I felt was a sense of floating as the searing pain ripped through my right side, the driver's eyes met mine and the look of pure terror crossed his face as I felt myself going under. Nothing seemed to matter anymore except my promises of apologizing, of starting over and being a better person. But now I realized that sometimes soon is too late. Sometimes you want to do something, but you wait and you stall. Just like I did, when my head finally clears and my path is in mind all I can fathom is the feeling of regret. Because in my life, I've accomplished so much, but I lost the ones I cared for most. Soon is too late, and all I can think about is how foolish I was letting my mind run wild and my body lose the touch and time of happiness and purpose. Is it too late to say sorry? But after all this, I'm glad I said hello.

I wish I could tell people I lived a good, and healthy life, but now as I lay on my death bed and think, they don't really know me. Sure people would mourn my death and cry, but soon they will forget about me. Not the Connor behind cameras, but the real Connor that I was too scared to show. Maybe Troye was right, we're similar in many ways. Too many people knowing us for our achievements and forgetting our past. In ways the scariest thing is to forget who you are. I'm glad I know who I am, but I regret not knowing sooner.

And as I take my last breath, I gaze up to the sky, rain stinging my glazed eyes and I pour out my heart until its empty, I pray that with all I have left inside, for Tyler to live a happy life and for Troye to be okay. Because I owe it to them, I owe them everything for making me happy, for giving me a purpose in life when I lost the feeling and spark of faith.

In the back of my mind I see the little box sitting on my kitchen counter and hope with all my might that whoever finds it will give it to its rightful owner, and the two small words I wrote will be remembered. I wrote these words,

Be Happy.

••O••

a/n

ahhhh im so sorry :( i love connor a lot asakjdhjksad I'm so so so sorry, but this was an important point in the story for me to continue the plot. (or maybe i just wanted to write angst)

but troye is COMIN GTO VANCOUVERAJKSDH JFC PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, MYSELF, AND MY SANITY TYVM.

i hope you liked the update, I'm sorry its so short it was meant to be a 2 part update but I didn't really have the inspiration to keep it going so sorry ehehasdj

hope you have a good day, week, month, year, life, whatever.

i promise it will get better soon. 

ily,

kelly.