Maybe I Don't Want Heaven

I'm sorry

Troye's POV

I couldn't sleep at all that night; I did not get one wink. The first rays of sunlight pierced through my bedroom window and I hated myself even more so than I did last night, knowing I had school in a few hours. I heard footsteps outside my door and closed my eyes, hoping that whoever it was didn't know I was awake. I heard my door open and felt my bed sink. A warm hand brushed my unruly hair out of my face and I knew that it was my dad. I slowly opened my tired eyes, seeing my father staring down at me.

"Troye, you know it isn't your fault that your sister is in the hospital. The doctor said that she has been ill for a while now and that we didn't spot the signs." He reassured me. That's what I loved about him though; he always knew what to say. He always made me feel better about myself no matter how upset I was. "Sage has small-cell lung cancer. It is quite a rare type of cancer that spreads quite quickly. There's not much we can do, the cancer is extensive and it has spread beyond her lungs, I'm sorry Troye."

Tears pricked my eyes. No, I'm sorry dad, my sister is dying and there's nothing we can do about it, I thought. It's my fault.

{~-~}

Sage's condition worsened over the next few months and sadly on March 29th 2011 the disease took her life. I cried for days on end, longing for the comfort of my baby sister. I was starting to accept myself more now, with help of my dad and Sage, while she was still with us.

Three months ago...

I stepped into my sister's hospital room, relieved that my mum had finally allowed me to see her. I looked towards her; her frail frame sprawled across the bed. She had lost a lot of weight and had begun to resemble my body. She was skinny but for all the wrong reasons. Her bones were protruding and her face was gaunt. Whereas my skinniness was the outcome of MMS (Mild Marfan Syndrome), a disorder that affects mostly my bones, my sister was just skeleton and skin. There was little to no fat on her body whatsoever.

"Hey." I greeted weakly.

"Hi." She replied softly. I took a seat next to her bed and gripped onto her hand. We started talking and for once in a long time, I was happy.

"Sage, I have something I need to tell you." I told her nervously. She frowned at me and cocked her head to the side like a confused puppy. "I-I'm gay. P-please don't hate me."

"Why would I hate you?" She asked.

"Because it's a sin." I cried. She pulled me into an embrace, rubbing my back.

"Troye, it's okay to be gay. Who cares what anyone else thinks?" She comforted. I wiped my eyes and sniffled, feeling guilty about piling my own problems onto my ill sister.

"Mum cares." I began. "She said that I'm a disgrace to our family."

"That's utter bull, Troye Sivan Mellet, and you know it. You're talented, you're funny, you're kind and one day you're going to find a lovely man, you're going to get married and you're going to have a little house on a hill with an adorable little family." She answered.

"I love you, Sagey." I informed her.

"I love you too, Troye." She started. "I'm proud of you for coming out."

I brought her into another hug and nuzzled my face into her neck. I heard the door open quietly and I whipped my head around. I sighed in relief when I saw it was just Isabelle, glad my time with Sage wasn't up. She launched herself towards us and into my open arms. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and sobs racked her small frame.

"I missed you, Troye." She sniffled. My mum had cut off any contact from my siblings when I had told her about my sexual orientation and I had sadly missed Tyde and Isabelle's birthday. "I don't care that you like boys, I just want to see my brother."

"I'm sorry, Izzy, I missed you too." I sobbed. "I love you so much."

Before she could answer a nurse interrupted, telling us that Sage needed to rest. I vowed to myself, that I would make more effort with my siblings; I loved them so much and I didn't want to lose them.