Scouting Legion High School [ An Attack on Titan Modern High School!AU ]

The Story of Thanksgiving

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So anyway, before the rude interruption, a certain pilgrim named Ymir was especially excited about coming to America, since she loved the Micheal Bublé Christmas Album. However, it was made illegal back in their home country, Australia.

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Reiner dared to speak up next. "Didn't the pilgrims come from-"

"Your stupid face?" Christa asked. "Yes, yes they did. Now all of you better shut up and listen before I fucking murder each and every one of you."

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So Ymir-San, the gayest, sexiest pilgrim, was excited about the new album...

Ymir-San sighed. "Oh, I can't wait to finally get the Micheal Bublé Christmas album."

However, all of the sexist, oppressive pilgrims on the ship mocked her.

"Ha!" Laughed Reiner Braun, the meanest penguin on the ship- "Men are cool and women are stupid."

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"Hey!" Reiner called out. "First of all, I'm not a sexist! Second of all, why am I a-"

"Don't question history," Christa threatened.

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"I'll show you!" Ymir-San swore. "I'll show all you assholes that women can also wear pants!"

"Land ho!" Shouted Armin, as he pointed to the land in front. The crew celebrated and danced. Except for Ymir-San for she found everyone stupid.

The men began to flood off the ship, but stopped the women. They laughed at them. "Women can't step on the new land until we check that it's safe." Eren stated. "We all know it's scientifically proven that if a women becomes threatened, her boobs will fall off."

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"What the fu-" Eren began. However, he was interrupted.

"Oh my fuck," Christa groaned. "I will staple all of your mouths shut."

"But everything you have been saying is wrong!" Jean shouted.

Christa's eye twitched. "Ymir, give me the duct tape..."

-

So anyway... Ship, Michal Bublé, land, boobs.

Men left the ship, leaving the women all alone.

"I'm hungry..." Sasha whined.

"We can't just stand here and do nothing!" Spoke up one young, heroic, and admirable lady named Christa. She stood on a crate and raised her fist to the sky. "I'm strong! Stronger than all of you!

Except for Mikasa of course. She can probably take down a Bigfoot in a death match.

But I am still strong!" Christa shouted louder. "Very strong! And we will march into the new land, and find what we are looking for!"

All the women cheered while Ymir started crying. "That's her! That's my girl!"

And so, the women of the Ocelot left the ship and explored the land. At first, they saw nothing. However, after like ten minutes or something, they encountered a native.

"Wow, the natives are tall..." Ymir commented.

"Oh, actually, most of us are short..." Bertolt spoke up. "I'm the only exception. So what brings you to our home."

"Surprise, bitches!" The men hopped out from the trees wearing ridiculous tree hats. They pointed guns at the native who looked as if he was about to wet himself.

Reiner the penguin waddled up to the tall native. "We're here to take your bitches and fuck your Michael Bublé Christmas albums. And I did not mix up those verbs."

Christa walked up to the penguin and slapped him.

"Hey-" Reiner honked before he was kicked onto the ground. He struggled back into his feet and let out an angry "NOOT NOOT!"

"Look," Christa stated. "Violence is never the answer. Why don't we come together for dinner, settle our differences, have some turkey...

And have a wicked rave party."

Everyone cheered. Even the incompetent men liked the idea. They all went over to the native's place because the chief wasn't home and they raved like no tomorrow.

The day after, everyone got guns, slaughtered all the Indians, took away their homes, and set a foundation on which America was built on: taking shit that wasn't theirs...

-

"That was beautiful," Ymir cried.

"And historically inaccurate," Armin murmured.

Jean let out a muffled sound of agreement behind the duct tape.

"That also didn't explain the true meaning of Thanksgiving," Eren stated.

"And I was a mean penguin!" Reiner whined.

"It did happen! None of you ever paid any attention in school obviously," Christa scoffed.

"Honey, I think it's the other way around," Armin sassed.

Christa held up a knife. "The next person who dares speaketh against the prophecy will get hurtheth and a knife in thy liver."

The room fell silent.

"That's what I thought, bitches," Christa said. "Now. Who wants to listen to the Micheal Bublé Christmas Album?"

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AN: GUYS I'M SO SORRY THAT I COULDN'T GET THIS PART OUT EARLIER.

I was basically busy all Thanksgiving and I couldn't work on it until now so I hope you'll accept a late thanksgiving story...

And if you're wondering what I'm thankful for, it would be all you lovelies who are reading this right now. ^-^ love you all!