Hurt Beyond Repair.

It makes it hard to breathe.

I don't understand, I don't understand. I don't care about myself and I don't want to do this anymorex I don't want to feel like this everyday I don't want to hate myself I can't stand this j can't stand the pain inside me. I can't stand that when kids try to talk to me in class that my throat tightens and my voices tell me to not speak and I can't speak I can't fucking speak and the kid is left to think that I don't care that I don't want to talk to him I want to talk to people and some days I can but when I can't I feel claws itching at my throat telling me to speak because I care but I hear words in my head saying don't even try don't even speak you don't care and they don't care about you either. I want to get rid of my boyfriend because I'm not good enough for him and I'm just a fucking teenager and I already have so much on my plate. I don't know what I want to be yet in the future and it gnaws at me every second of my god damn life because how am I going to make it through this life if I have no ambition if I have no fucking motivation because it claws at me telling me that it wants me out that it wants me to kill myself. I'm trying to stay in trying to get better in trying these self help tips I'm trying so fucking hard but I'm not making it anywhere and at night it feels worse and I'm collapsing inside of myself but nobody sees and a pain this real staying inside of me is something I'm not sure I can live with. I don't see a point. It's been since 8th fucking grade and I know I'm getting help now but it's been so long that when I go to the doctors office everything fucking shuts off I can't feel anything and I can't say anything because the voice shuts up and tell me if I'm quite right now it will go away and it eases off for awhile sometimes but it just fucking comes back and everytime I try to get help the fingers scratch at my throat and makes it hard for me to talk. The appointments cost so much fucking money and I can't fucking talk. But every night I'm stuck in this battle of thinking if I should take my life or not.
~E.M.C 

~ Just so you know this is just something I wrote and thought maybe some of you could relate. Stay Strong everyone!