Karma ||H.S||

Chapter 21

Song: Beautiful Girl - Hedley <3

---Harry---

Getting Paisley to trust me has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. There's times when I think I've accomplished this feat and others I feel like I've just scratched the surface. She, for the most part, is all over the place. Her mind goes somewhere else when I want her to just be present with me, and I'm always left with more questions than I want to admit.

Even though she found out about Ruby, she still, for some reason decided to trust me. I thought for sure I would have lost her completely after that, but it's almost as if the whole thing didn't phase her at all, which is kind of surprising. It was kind of a dick move on my part, giving into Ruby's desires, but Paisley's back and forth with me before then, had me squirming. I didn't have a clue what the hell was going through her head or how she felt about me, but the night she practically threw me off of her when I was so close to kissing her, gave me all the more reason to believe she didn't see me the way I wanted her to. And maybe it bruised my ego--just a little. Being with Ruby was my way of trying to forget about Paisley, just for a little while, although it didn't work very well, because no matter what, I was wishing it was her the entire time, every time.

I feel at the moment though, that I have her right where I want her. The last few weeks she's shown me a great deal of trust, although now I know she worries I'm going to go to someone else for sex. I wouldn't dare do that, no matter how much I feel the need for it. Not again. Not after knowing how hard it has been to get her to where we are, and I have a feeling she wouldn't give me a second chance if I did.

When I think back to High School, she was different. She wasn't at all timid or apprehensive around guys, and as I remember, she was always the one to kiss me, initiating our heated make-out sessions that always lead me to wanting more of her. I knew she wasn't a virgin. She lost her virginity to that douchebag Adam, who cheated on her more times than anyone deserves, but she always used the excuse that she wanted to do things right with me, which I thought was because they way Adam hurt her, but apparently that was a load of bullshit.

But now, seeing her act the way she does with me sometimes, is confusing and somewhat unnerving. It shocked me at first; The way she constantly withdrew from my touch like she was afraid of me, but I learned quickly that I had to be cautious with her, and I make sure I am, always. I have no clue as to why, because knowing how she used to be, this is something that I don't understand. And no girl has ever shied away from me over the last two years, making this situation with her something I have never endured and can't comprehend.

I think maybe it's because she hasn't had a boyfriend in so long. She did say that she hadn't been on a date since high school. Maybe she decided after what she did to me, that she needed to take a break from guys, to let what she did to me, sink in. And now everything is all new to her again. Or maybe she just has this unbelievable amount of respect for herself to be overly cautious when it comes to that sort of thing. Fuck if I know. I'm usually pretty damn smart---That is, I'm realizing, until it comes to her.

Today, I admitted to her that I was broken. It just sort of slipped out of my mouth. I'm not exactly sure why I said it, because as broken as I know I've been since the day she broke my heart, I don't exactly feel that way anymore. She fills that void just the same as she did in high school. I need her now, just as I did then. The darkness that turned me into a heartless asshole, was replaced with a feeling I could only ever remember her making me feel.

I'm realizing that over time, I'm forgetting more and more what she did to me. In the beginning, it was always there. That little tinge of anger and pain every time I looked at her was very much present within me. But it's easy to disregard the bad when there are so many good things to remember about her; About us. And as time passes, those unforgettable moments we shared, easily overtake what happened in the end. It's starting to lose it's meaning and I'm letting those negative thoughts and feelings slip away as we become closer. I've turned any negative energy that surrounded me into nothing but positive, because that's what she deserves. What we deserve.