Behind the Camera Lens [On Hold]

Chapter Nine

            It was freezing cold outside and the sky had suddenly darkened. Great, I thought and set off in the direction I had seen Wes go. I started walking slowly, hearing the snow crunch beneath the bottom of my boots. I wanted to run after him, but that would probably result in me falling flat on my face.

            Once the walkway became clearer and there was less snow and ice, I ran shouting his name.

            People sitting inside the other quaint restaurants were watching me, probably thinking, Who is that crazy girl thinking she can run in the snow without breaking her leg? I brushed it off and continued.

            It was hard to run, especially with the below freezing weather. I slowed down and sat down on a nearby bench. Boy, was I out of shape. While catching my breath, I saw a tall figure through one of the narrow passageways in between the line of shops and cafes. It had to be him. There was no doubt.

            I got up from my spot and jogged in his direction. Once I got close enough and saw that it really was him, I said, “Wes, what are you doing?”

            He spun around and I saw his cheeks were rosy, his hair sprinkled with bits of ice. “Trying to escape,” he continued to walk in front of me.

            I caught up with him and remarked, “Well, it’s not going to be easy now that I’m here.”

            “Oh, I’m not worried,” he replied.

            “Huh?” he had left me puzzled.

            “I saw you running down the street. My grandma can run faster than you,” he chuckled a little bit.

            “You did not just say that!” I punched him playfully on the arm. “Damn, you suck,” I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll admit, I’m no Olympic athlete, but at least I try.”

            “You were pretty cute out there. You know, running like this,” he imitated me running off into the distance and I practically fell to my knees.

            “Ha! I think you did it perfectly. Probably even better than myself.”

            We walked in pure silence for a few minutes, and caught our breaths. “So, what’s the deal with this tour?” I made sure I mentioned it calmly. I didn’t want him to think I was pestering him about it.

            He took a deep breath. “You know when you love doing something and you couldn’t imagine living without doing it?”

            I nodded.

            “That’s how I feel. Except sometimes. Sometimes I get really sad about it because of someone. Someone who I wish was still around,” he finished.

            “Who is that someone?” I inquired.

            He didn’t respond for a minute. “Come with me,” he took my hand and we began walking towards a lake, a speck of water off in the distance.

            I obeyed, and wondered where this was going to take our conversation. I just knew in my heart he was going to tell me something that was really personal.

Wes, beside some lake in Washington

            Well, I guess you could say I’ve done it again. I’ve let everyone down. Believe me, I didn’t want to, but I just had to. I couldn’t go through it. Not another time. Now here I was with a beautiful girl who didn’t even know I was actually ‘Nate’. I find this pretty depressing.

            After wiping down a bench that was covered with ice, we sat down. It was the coldest thing ever, but we made it work. I thought I was actually going to tell her. I had to. 

            “A couple of years ago,” I began my story. “I fell in love with this girl. She was the quiet girl, didn’t have any friends but me at the time. I remember her smile; it was beautiful. She didn’t like to smile, and I was one of the only few people that could actually make her do it. Anyway, like I said, I was her only friend and we did everything together. We went to get ice cream on the weekends, we took stupid pictures together, and we even sang our own versions of songs. One weekend we were at the mall and a group of other guys and girls approached us. I didn’t like them, and I was shocked when she surprisingly got along with them. She started to call them her ‘friends’. I didn’t want to tell her not to hang out with them because I figured she would just think that I was jealous. One night she said she was going to go to a concert with them. Nonetheless, a Third Eye Blind concert. They were our band. I couldn’t go because I had to work, and even though I wasn’t too keen about her going with them, I let her do it.”

            I took a deep breath and paused. “God, I wish I hadn’t let her go.” I shook my head, hoping it would take away the painful memories. “She went, and later that night I get a call from her mom saying that she’d been in a car accident and was in the hospital.”

            Miranda gasped. “I’m so sorry,” she sympathized.

            “It’s okay,” I glanced up into her eyes, knowing she was listening to my every single word. “It turned out that the guy who was driving was drunk. I felt so bad because I let myself believe that it was my fault. I had let her go, and therefore, this has had to have happened because of me. Sometimes I still think it’s my fault even though it really wasn’t. Her name was Dakota, and I miss her so much,” an unexpected tear came out of the corner of my eye.

            I wiped it off gently. “The concert was a few hours away from where we were living,” I continued. “It was in Oregon and we lived in Northern California at the time. She died somewhere in Oregon. Our next show for the tour is in Oregon and that’s why I cancelled the tour.”

            “’Cause you can’t imagine going back,” she finished for me, as if knowing what I was feeling.

            “Exactly,” I nodded.

            “How come the other guys don’t understand? Do they know about her?” she asked.

            “Yeah, they know. But I told them so many times that I have moved on when in all actuality I haven’t. I feel like I have to put on this big shield around them because I don’t want them to think that I’m some weak guy who can’t handle his feelings.”

            “But you’re not weak. The fact that you had to go through that made you a stronger person,” she pointed out.

            “That is true. I just never get times like this where I get to say what I truly feel. I’m the kind of person who keeps my emotions inside.  I don’t like others having to worry about me.”

            “Well I’m glad you talked to me. We’ll figure this all out,” she reassured me. “But first I think we should get up-before our butts get frozen to this seat at least,” she grinned.

            “That would be a smart idea,” I cracked a smile.

            We started our walk back to the restaurant where everyone was waiting for us.