I don't know what to do. My whole life is being flipped upside down right now. My mind is telling me to stay with John. We work together. We're basically the same person. He just gets me.
My heart is telling me to choose Sam. We're completely opposite but after all these years we still find our way back to each other. That has to mean something right?
All I can do is think back to the time I was with Sam and think of all the awful things that happened. I mean I was in treatment because of how toxic we were. But that was my fault. Not Sam's.
"You okay?" John snapped me out of my thoughts as we sat in the booth for dinner.
"Yeah" I smiled fakely back to him.
"Are you sure? You've been seeming distant lately" He said putting the menu down.
"I just have a lot on my mind, with the wedding and stuff" I quickly saved.
"Are you sure? You've barely kissed me in the past two weeks. You're not getting cold feet are you?" He questioned.
I thought about it for a moment.
"No of course not. I love you" I lied.
My perfect time to come clean about my affair. To tell him that I love Sam. To break his heart but I couldn't. I couldn't do that. I couldn't send him spiraling downwards back into his addiction. I couldn't put him through what I went through when I was hurting. I couldn't put him back in treatment.
"I love you too" He smiled and we finished our dinner.
That night I laid awake in bed. It was 10pm and John was already snoring. I couldn't sleep I needed to see him. It's been 2 weeks since our last encounter and he's given me my space but it's not helping. It's making me miss him even more. Constantly thinking about what he's doing or who he's with.
I got up out of bed and threw a hoodie on grabbing my keys and sneaking out of our condo.
I drove in silence to Sam's apartment without even telling him I was coming. I hope he's not busy, or out, or with another girl.
I walked up to his door and took in a deep breath. I couldn't do this. I can't just confess my love for him. Then what? I wasn't breaking off the engagement to John. I couldn't have it both ways. Everything's fucked up.
I shook my head in thought and started walking back to my car until I heard the door creek open.
"Ronnie?" His voice echoed down the hall.
I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him letting a small smile creep on my face.
"How did you know I was out here" I asked walking closer to him again.
He leaned up against the door frame.
"I heard your car door shut outside and saw you walk into the building" He smiled
"What's wrong?" He asked as I finally got inches from him.
Everything.
"Nothing" I answered quietly.
"I know when you're lying you know" He smirked slightly but persisted in my telling him.
"I love you" Were the only words that came out. I saw an expression of happiness in his eyes.
"But I-" Tears started forming in my eyes and the look of happiness disappeared.
"I just don't know what to fucking do Sam. Like what do I do in a situation like this? No matter what I break someone's heart along with my own" I let a few tears fall.
He pulled me into an embrace and let out a sigh.
"What does your heart tell you" He asked still holding me. I lifted my head to look at him.
"My heart tells me you." I answered
"But that doesn't mean it's right. What about John?" I asked kind of rhetorically.
He brought me into his apartment and sat me down on the couch.
"Do you love him?" he asked sitting next to me.
I thought about it for a few minutes in silence.
"Yes...but not as much as I love you" he lifted my chin and connected our lips.
"I promise you Ronnie, I love you more than anything. Come back to LA with me, I'll take care of you. Please" He pleaded.
A tear rolled down my cheek.
"Can we just talk about this another time?" I asked
He nodded and pulled me up leaded me to the bedroom. I laid down as he crawled behind me and pulled me into him. I slowly closed my eyes.
Sam kissed the back of my neck and a smile crept on my face. Through everything he's been there. He always has. He made me smile more than anyone. But he's also been the cause of so much hurt.
Could I possibly let all of the past go and start over with him? I'd be giving up someone that truly understands me and knows my struggle for someone unpredictable and completely impossible sometimes.
Sleep came over me and my clouded thoughts as I drifted in Sam's arms. Something I couldn't do so easily in John's.
YOU ARE READING
Friends With Benefits (s.w.)
Fanfiction"We can fuck but that's all this will ever be" "Okay" "Like strictly friends with benefits" "Like the movie?" He smirked at me "Exactly like the movie...except you DON'T fall in love with me in the end"
