into the light - destiel

chapter eight

~deans POV~

fuck. cas knows about...cas knows how I feel about him.

Dean paced across his bedroom, wringing his hands and breathing heavily.

that will be why he's been acting so weird lately.
it makes him feel uncomfortable. he doesn't like it. that's why he was avoiding me. why would anyone love me? I mean, family yeah, they have to. but cas? cas is too good for me.

Dean crouched down beside his bed and put his head between his knees.

cas will realise soon.
he'll leave again.
Sammy will leave again.
Charlie will leave again.

and I'll be alone.

'Dean? you okay?'
'm'fine sammy.'
'can I talk to you?'
'what about. Sammy I'm tired...I just want to sleep.'
'not until we've talked. we need
to sort things out.'
'spit it out then Sam.'

sam walked towards Dean and grabbed his elbows, pulling him from the floor roughly before sitting him on the bed. sam grimaced awkwardly before sitting down next to Dean.

'Dean. why...why did you hurt yourself?'
'I don't know what you mean Sammy.'
'dean, I know. Charlie told me, while you were stuck under Morpheus spell.'

Dean leaned forward and put his head in his hands, before trying to get up and walk away. sam grabbed his left arm, and after a short struggle from Dean, pulled up his sleeve.

fuck. he's going to make you go to counselling or something.

'dean? when did you do these?'

don't answer. he'll go away. don't talk.

'Dean answer me. now. when did you do this?'
'after you saved me.'
'why?'

it was only one simple word, but it was enough to make Dean break down.

pathetic. a grown hunter,
crying about a couple of lousy scratches. grow up, Dean Winchester.

'sammy, I'm sorry.'
'why did you do it, Dean, tell me please.'
'because everything's so fucked up! our lives are completely jacked sam. we account to nothing, nothing at all on this earth, yet we get such fucked up lives. I don't know what to do anymore Sammy. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I just don't want to do anything. you, cas, charlie, you deserve better than I could give you. all I do is ruin lives Sammy! I'm toxic!'
'Dean, stop. stop punishing yourself for everything wrong with this world. stop treating yourself so badly. you went to hell for me Dean. you followed cas around purgatory for a year. you've risked your life for Charlie so many times...you help us all, and we're all grateful for it. stop thinking so badly of yourself Dean.'

sam grabbed Dean and pulled him into a hug, and despite being the taller brother he burrowed his head into deans shoulder. it was something he'd done since he was little, something that comforted him.

'thanks Sammy.'
'it's okay.'

sam broke apart the hug and stood up, smiling awkwardly at Dean. Dean smiled back forcefully, the emotional trauma evident on his face.
he turned and left the room, to search for Charlie and cas.

Dean stayed sat on his bed, his face void of any emotion.

fucking pathetic.

~sam, Charlie and cas POV~

'he thinks it's all his fault. everything that's ever happened to us, he blames himself! it's stupid, he won't listen to me. he never has!'
'Sam, your brother has always carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. it is something he has grown used to, he has developed certain coping mechanisms that you don't agree with.'
'cas, cutting himself is not going to help him. we need to make him stop it...'
'Sam, cas...just be quiet okay? Dean isn't going to like hearing us all yelling about how fucked up he is.'
'he isn't fucked up Charlie, he is merely misunderstanding his own emotions and is failing to express them appropriately.'
'can we all just shut up about that, and decide what were going to do about it?'

half an hour later, sam had moved all of the knives, razor blades, painkillers, and even lighters, into a locked drawer in the kitchen. the weapons were locked in the boot of the impala, and sam had the key in his pocket.

Dean could Hotwire the car but he wouldn't be able to get the boot open, unless he harmed the car, and Dean would never do that.

Charlie had been sent to deans room, to talk to him, and to keep an eye open for anything he might abuse.

cas had flown off to find Dean some pie, because if anything would cheer the elder Winchester up, it was pie.

~Charlie's POV~

God dammit. why did you tell sam? dean hates you. fucking shit. fuck. shit.

'dean?'
'what, Charlie?'
'I'm sorry...I only told sam because I was scared.'
'why the hell were you scared.'

Charlie looked up to face Dean upon hearing his sharp response, and despite how she knew he was trying to appear stony faced and cool, she could see his eyes glazing over, the tell tale signs of emotion creasing around his eyes.

'Dean Winchester, I was petrified. I thought you were going to die. I thought you tried to kill yourself. are you aware of what that would do to me? it would be my fault Dean.'
'no it wouldn't. if I killed myself, it would be my own fault. I'm not going to kill myself!'
'it would be my fault Dean. it would be my fault, because if you had killed yourself, it would have been because you couldn't get the help you needed, because I didn't tell anyone.'
'Charlie I'm not going to fucking kill myself, okay?! it's just something that I do. get over it.'
'no. I will not get over it! neither will sam, or cas! Dean we love you, and I know neither cas nor sam, nor me either, will stand around and let you hurt yourself because of some petty emotions you have.'
'oh, so we're insulting me now.'
'shut up! you have bigger problems to worry about than hurting yourself! my god, it happens on an almost daily basis with your job anyway!'

Charlie looked at dean, who was evidently now more pissed off that upset. but he still looked at her with that fondness in his eye, that he had always had for her. Charlie was a like a sister to dean, she knew she was, and she couldn't stand to upset him or make him angry.

'Dean, I'm sorry...but this has to stop.'

she grabbed his wrists gently, and held them in her hands, massaging her thumbs along the scar tissue.

'you don't need to do this...ever. no matter what evil thing comes around, no matter who gets hurt...don't do this. please.'

Dean looked at charlie, his eyes again brimming with tears.

'next time you feel like doing this...just don't. break a plate. scribble all over your arm with pen...call me. don't shut yourself out.'
'I'm sorry Kid...I do try to stop.'
'I know. but it's something you need to take one day at a time. never give up, always keep fighting. it'll pay off one day, I promise.'

Charlie took a deep breath, and made one of the hardest decisions of her life.

pulling up her sleeve, she licked the corner of her flannel shirt and rubbed at a spot on the top of her forearm.

slowly, but surely, makeup began to come off her arm, and Dean could see very faint scars along Charlie's arm.

'Charlie no...'
'see? I got over it. you can too. it's hard Dean, but it's not impossible.'
'why?'
'it doesn't matter. it's over now, I don't need to think about that time of my life again. when it's over for you, you won't need to think about it again.'
'thank you.'

Charlie reached forward and grabbed Dean, pulling him into a massive bear hug.