into the light - destiel

chapter 1

~sams POV~

he didn't know what dean had done to upset cas, but it must have been something majorly dickish. the Angel had been avoiding dean for the better part of a week now, and he seemed to scuttle from the room every time dean graced them with his presence.

which wasn't much come to think of it...thinking back, sam realised how much dean had been keeping to himself lately.
he didn't come and watch tv anymore...he didn't go out to bars...he kept away from outside life, unless it involved going to the nearest gas station or supermarket and buying the strongest whisky he could find.
sam groaned inwardly, running his huge hands through his mop of long brown hair.
how could he have let dean become so...depressed. that was the word he had to use, despite how much he hated to admit it.
dean was depressed, it was as plain as day to see. but, dean being dean, was completely oblivious to his illness, and just carried on, perfectly content at drinking himself into a reckless stupor most nights and babbling incoherently at sam and castiel from his room.

'Sammy, we've got to find a hunt soon. we've not had anything for weeks...come on man! I'm bored.'
'dean. we need to talk, before we find a hunt.'
'spit it out then, I'm itching to kill an evil son of a bitch.'
'listen, dean...I don't know what's wrong with you. I know you won't talk about it, so I won't bother asking. but what have you done to cas? he barely comes around anymore...he won't even look at you, what did you do?'
'for Christs sake sam. I didn't do anything to cas...he's probably just on his Angel period or something.'
'dude. gross. and fine. you won't talk about cas? talk about you then. tell me what's up with you.'
'there's nothing wrong with me Sammy, stop sticking your nose into my business!'
'dean you drink yourself under the table most nights, you have been for the past month! and don't think I don't notice all the missing pain relief...dean I don't know what to do with you. if your not careful you'll end up in rehab, or worse!'
'Jesus Christ sam just fuck off, leave me alone. there's nothing fucking wrong with me okay.'
'dea-'
'I said fucking drop it sam!'

sam watched as dean stomped off round the corner of the bunker, punching the walls several times on his way.
sighing deeply to himself, he prayed to the Angel castiel.

hey cas. it's sam. listen...I don't know what dean...I don't know what we've done to upset you. can we at least talk about it? I'm worried about dean. he's getting more and more...depressed, angry, I'm worried he's even suicidal lately. he doesn't care about getting hurt...I've been avoiding hunts for weeks now, because I know he wouldn't try to save himself if he got into trouble. cas, please. we need you...dean needs you.

~deans POV~

fucking sam, always assuming somethings wrong with me. there's nothing wrong with me! I'm fine. I am fine. I'm okay. I just-

'dean.'
'hey cas. how're things upstairs?'
'everything is in order in heaven dean. I merely came to check on you and sam.'
'yeah well everything's fine down here. everything's just peachy. Sammy's in his room. I'm going to get a drink.'
'is that wise dean?'
'to be honest cas I wouldn't care if it was the stupidest decision of my life.'
'oh. of course. I must go and speak to your brother. I will return shortly...to check on you.'
'whatever man. don't let Sammy chew your head off, he's kinda in a bad mood.'
'I'm sure my head will remain intact dean, but thank you for considering my safety.'

dean watched as cas disappeared, and heard the ruffle of feathers as he did so.
sighing, he sunk down into one of the library's comfier chairs, and inspected his knuckles. three were bleeding on his right hand, the left hand was badly bruised.

cas didn't ask to heal you.

dean ignored his thoughts as he poured himself a large glass of whisky, and downed the drink in two mouthfuls.

it's because he doesn't think your worth saving. not anymore.

shuddering slightly, dean pulled out small container of incredibly strong painkillers, and took three, washing them down with whisky straight from the bottle.
sinking further into the seat, he took another two mouthfuls of whisky, and let his mind drift away from him.
he didn't usually get this drunk this fast...and why were his legs numb? but at this point, dean didn't even care.

~cas POV~

cas paced the room he was in with sam, his heart racing despite him being at full power with his grace. he placed his eyes on sam and stared directly at him, before hissing harsh words.

'how could you have missed it sam? as soon as I spoke to him, all I got was...was misery. anger. hatred. centred around himself...'
'I don't know cas, I'm sorry. I just didn't see it, and then all of a sudden it was really bad...can you fix him?'
'I don't know. when I was in that room, all I could hear was his soul screaming...it was quite unnerving actually...it reminded me of when I raised him from perdition.'
'so you're telling me dean is suffering like he was in HELL and I didn't notice. oh my god.'
'Sam do not blame yourself. humans often...misconceive emotions. you do not have as plain sight as I have...you could not have known. dean is a good actor, he can hide his true feelings incredibly well.'

cas. cas. CAS.

castiels jaw clenched as his heart sped up even faster. he looked straight at sam, pure fear in his eyes.

'dean.'

cas turned on his heels and flew away, to whichever room in the bunker dean had found his way into.