n y c t o p h i l i a

n i n e

D E S T I N Y

I didn't tell him.

I didn't tell him that I had vomited right after the bell had rang. That that's why I was late.

But I wanted to so badly.

I want someone to ask me if I'm alright.

And every time they do I push them away.

I don't want to push them away, I want to open up to them. Tell them how crap I feel.

I want someone to always be there for me and tell me that everything is alright.

(A/N: If anyone can relate please comment)

But I can't let them.

It makes me feel weak. Fragile.

I want to feel strong.

And sometimes I just want to end my life.

Honestly I'm over the fact that everyone calls me suicidal.

Because you would feel the same way if you went through what I'm going through.

It's like this huge hole inside you. Inside your heart. That can't be filled with anything. Not love. Not happiness. Not even hope.

Just darkness.

I wake up dreading the day ahead. It's like I'm a zombie. I'm doing things. I'm walking, talking, writing, eating. But it never really feels like I'm actually doing any of it. It just feels like my whole life is in slow motion. And everyone is speeding around me. A whole crowd of people just buzzing around and continuing life. While I stand in the middle of it all and stare into darkness.

And for some reason, for the past 4 years I can't feel anything. When I eat food. I can feel the food in my mouth but I can't taste it. It's like I suddenly lost the ability to live.

And I want that feeling to go away. I want it to leave me.

It's like I'm possessed with this demon that can't be controlled.

I snap out of my thoughts as I see my house.

"We're here." I tell Theo.

He follows me up the front porch and I unlock the front door with the house keys.

We step into the house and I take my shoes off.

Theo looks around before shrugging his leather jacket off.

"Where are your parents?" he asks.

"My parents are dead remember?" I say.

"Oh sorry I forgot."

"Don't worry about it. I live with my aunt but she's at work right now." I say walking into the kitchen. Theo follows me.

"Oh okay." he says.

I grab a glass and fill it up with water. I hand it to Theo. He gulps it down and hands the glass back at me.

As I finish drinking my water my phone buzzes.

I take it out of my pocket and see that my aunt had texted me. I usually call her Gloria.

Gloria: Are you home yet?

I type a reply.

Me: Yes and btw I brought a classmate over so we could finish our assignment.

I press send and look up to Theo. "Lets go upstairs."

"Okay." he replies.

We walk up the staircase and enter my room. He examines my room before taking his shoes off.

He sits on my bed and I take a seat across from him.

"So," he begins. "We agreed on star-crossed lovers?"

"Yep." I reply

"Okay let's get started."

Ugh this is gonna be a long day.

"So I've been planning a few plots in my head," he says as he takes out a notebook and a pen. "I'll just jot them down and you can tell me if you like any of them." he smiles at me.

"Okay, while your doing that I'm gonna go to the bathroom." I say standing up
and making my way to the bathroom.

"Okay." he replies.

Locking the door I look at myself in the mirror.

I want to feel better.

I open one of the drawers under the sink and take out a razor.

I pull up the sleeve of my jacket exposing my left arm.

I take the razor in my hand.

The blade hovers over my wrist.

But instead of cutting my wrist I choose to cut the skin underneath it.

The blade pierces into my skin causing a sharp pain to erupt.

I clench my teeth as I slide it down my forearm.

As I finish I look at the razor which has blood covering it.

I clean it off and put it back into the drawer.

After cleaning up my cut and making sure it has stopped bleeding I wrap it in a large band aid and put my sleeve down.

I still feel the pain but it brings relaxation into me. A really nice feeling.

I stand there staring at myself.

Better.