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Frozen Flames

I came here every night. It's not like I couldn't, it was definitely not forbidden or wrong to do. However I felt like breaking the law every time I would step in to my own family's yard. The guilt was crushing me and burning my throat with tears. I tried to pretended that this pain came from seeking out and not telling my parents where I'm going, but in reality it was just a pretext to ran from the guilt.

I missed V.

I hated myself for admitting it. But I knew it was a right thing to do, a first baby step towards forgiving myself. I already forgave him, I don't even know how I ended up getting mad at him, but it was all left behind after his apologies.

The lamp in his room, which I could clearly see from the point in my yard that I was standing, wasn't turned on for I don't even know how long. Despite that, I would still come here, sit on the swings and just watch the empty window waiting for him to show up. He never did. Instead the moon would show this face from under the clouds and smile to me understandingly.

The moon was one of the only things left for me after V moved out. It was still the same white circle in the night's sky with the same odd look on its face. V liked that look, he would always smile, wave and greet the light of the sky like an old friend.

But he never greeted me like that.

This evening I did not leave my room. I stayed in. My chin was resting on my knees as I pressed my legs against my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I formed a little human like embryo with sheets covering me up, hiding me from the world.

There was no point in getting up and sitting on the swings for hours as usual. Was I starting to move on? Probably not. But I was glad to make the first baby step I was thinking about for so long. The clock struck midnight and I lifted my head to look at the window.

The moonlight was playing with a little rain drops on the glass. It was raining outside pretty hard and I didn't even notice, that's how caught up in my minds I was. Suddenly the light flashed in front of my eyes blinding me for a second. It was my younger sister, she opened the door and walked in like owning the place.

I quickly took off all the sheets and let go of my knees. Now I was just sitting on the edge of my bed, tensed up like crazy, hoping that my body didn't give it out for her. I knew she couldn't read my mind, but my cheeks was burning, I blushed.

However she sat down and happily grabbed my hands. The smile spread across her face and I smiled together with her too. That's just how I was. Doesn't matter how bad I felt I would still pretend it was alright and just smile. I would have better jumped out the same window I just looked at, than let the people around me know how bad it sometimes gets. I didn't want to affect them with my sadness. This life wasn't sad and I didn't want them to lose the happiness they had inside just by my fault.

"We have a guest!"

I looked at her like at some crazy person, but still kept my grin.

"Really? At this hour?"

I questioned her ability to think straight and it obviously offended her. But my sister quickly got over that fact and lightly punched me on the arm.

"I don't think it will be relevant when you hear who came."

She elbowed me on the side and my heart stopped. For one little moment, one short second I thought that she read my mind. Was it V? And if it was... what am I going to do? Pretend that I wasn't thinking about him none stop for the past, well, few months?

"V."

I whispered as my sister just shouted the same name at the same time. I smiled at her and chuckled. Inside I was crying. I wanted to set all of my feelings free. Let them fly as some butterfly, but... those creatures wouldn't live longer than a day. And I needed at least a century to rest from them.

"Come on!" My little sister urged me dragging me through the room to the hall down the stairs already. "He's waiting."

"V, it's you."

I said to him. He was standing there with his hands in the pockets, with his casual close and with the coldest expression on his face that I have ever seen. The light, which I remembered flaming in his eyes when he looked at the moon, showed up as he saw me. Was that hope tingling that I just felt? No, it was my inner fire trying to escape the ice grip that has been holding her inside, frozen, for as long as my mind could recall.

"Hi."

He opened his arms and let me ran in to them. Doesn't' matter how much time had passed I still wanted to hug him bad. However I walked over to him and reached my hand towards offering him to shake it like it was some official business meeting of some sort and not friends' reunion. He was still holding his arms wide open hoping that I was just pulling a prank on him and will jump in to his wither at any given moment.

When I didn't do as I was expected, he wrapped his strong muscular arms around me and hugged me tight. I didn't hug him back. I repeat. I. DID. NOT. HUG. HIM. BACK.

For many nights it was my only wish for him to show up in that window. But there was only dark captured inside behind the glass. The light never turned on, and I never got to see his rectangular smile. And finally I was about to get rid of it, of that feeling, and he came back.

It didn't seem like he was going to act like we never got separated. It didn't seem like he wanted to play a game. It was just a friend coming back after a long time to see the people he missed. But I was okay with him out of my life. Finally. The fire inside me didn't light up again as I thought it will. It was just a single flame that tried to escape the prison of ice. And it did not succeed.

"Excuse me."

I said and unwrapped his arms. I could feel my sister's stare on my back as I left.

"Where are you going?"

V yelled as I ran out the door and let my legs take me wherever they wanted me to go. But he didn't follow me. I don't know if that made me stronger or just more broken.

"It will be just a moment!"

I shouted back and ran away without glaring at the open door where he was standing. I didn't even take my words for granted, why should he? But I knew he will believe me. I wouldn't. But he will. He will wait for me coming back.

TheBabelle