From the Backseat | ON INDEFINITE HOLD

vi | Holland

H O L L A N D 

Every time I stand from the bed my head spins and I rush to the bathroom. My throat is raw from the hours spent losing my lunch into the toilet. I've spent the last three days in my bed, not wanting to get up for the hate of throwing up. It's the worst thing. My mom feels bad for doing this to me and she should. The first night when she literally shoved the pill down my throat I was mad. When I started to throw up I was even madder. Now, I'm just furious. Every night she forces me to take the same pill and each night I feel even worse than the last.

Now, I don't eat and I don't get up out of bed. My lights are off, the door is locked shut, the blinds are closed and my head is still pounding. I force some ibuprofen down my throat and curl up in a ball. My blanket is wrapped around my body and a towel is lying on the bed in case I don't make it to the bathroom.

There's a knock on the door and my mom says something to me. I'm almost asleep and can't make out her words but when the door opens and I can smell the plate of chicken I hurl. The ibuprofen and my last cup of water come out and my mom immediately sets down the plate of food. My mom sits beside me, her hand rubbing circles on my back.

"Oh honey," I don't say anything to her, I don't even bother looking back at her. I close my eyes and lean into the pillow, away from my mother's cold hands. I can still smell the chicken on my nightstand and my stomach churns. My mom places a cool washcloth on my head and I push it away.

"Just go away." My words come out mumbled by the pillow but she catches on. "And take the food with you."

"You can't be mad at me forever."

"I can sure as hell try," I said. "I told you what those pills do to me and you didn't listen. You forced it down my throat and now look at where I am. So just leave me alone and lock the door on your way out."

She doesn't say anything as she makes her way to the door and then closes it behind her. I hear it lock and kick the blankets off of me as it gets too hot. I'm sprawled out, being careful not to touch the water-vomit on the towel next to me.

These are not the same pills as last time. They're a stronger kind, some more expensive drug they had just come out with. It tastes different than the last pills and makes me even sicker, just the thought of food makes me want to rush to the bathroom.

"Experimental," I heard my mother telling my father when they thought I was asleep. "They should be better for her than the last kind. More expensive too, but nothing we can't handle." I don't want them to waste this money on me. There are things more important than me sleeping through the night, like college.

Just before I can fall asleep there is another three knocks on the door and I groan. I don't say anything to my mother and try to go back to sleep. There's another three knocks, "Go away mother. I do not want to talk to you right now."

"It's not your mother." I hear Shannon say and then the lock clicks open. Does everyone have the key to my bedroom door? I really need to push something up against it if I want to keep everybody out. I don't bother looking back at her as she makes her way into my room. "I've brought you some guests."

"Guests?" I open my eyes and slightly turn my head. I make out the two boys keeping their distance from my bed and groan. "Why are you two here? And why the hell did you let them in here?" I direct the last question towards my best friend.

"They were worried about you. You haven't been answering their calls, so I brought them to see you. They just wanted to make sure you are alright."

"Well I'm not, so all of you can leave now. Let me die in peace." I flip back over onto my side and away from them. My stomach churns and my hand flies to my mouth. I gag a few times as I make my way to the bathroom. Shannon is behind me and her hands tie my hair up into a ponytail as I dry heave into the toilet. I have nothing left to throw up and that hurts my throat even more. My stomach feels as if I've done a hundred sit ups. Shannon has to help me stand from the tiled floor.