Silent Cries (Niam)

Chapter 20

To Harry
I am.

From Harry
Then why did you kiss him?

From Harry
Louis said to warn you not to play with Nialls feelings.

To Harry
He was kissing a girl and she didn't believe he was gay, so I said we were dating and kissed him to prove it.

From Harry
Why did you even bring up Niall being gay?

To Harry
They were kissing!

From Harry
Yeah, I know. But why did you want them to stop?

To Harry
He's gay, He shouldn't have led her on.

From Harry
I doubt she was looking for much of a commitment.

To Harry
Still!!! He shouldn't be kissing someone he doesn't like!!!

From Harry
Sorry mate, But it's really none of your business who Niall kisses.

To Harry
I'm just trying yo protect him

From Harry
No, you're just jealous

To Harry
I'm not jealous, I'm straight. I don't like Niall like that.

From Harry
Then why did you kiss him?

Liam threw his phone doen on the couch next to him in frustration. He wasn't jealous, and he didn't like Niall as anything more than a friend, and why was Harry so convinced other wise. When his phone buzzed, he had half a mind not to check it. But his curiosity got the better of him and he did. He was surprised to see a text from Louis.

From: Louis
Just thought you might want to know that Niall's phone is blowing up with messages from some guy named Grant.

To: Louis
Who is Grant?

From Louis
No clue. Which means probably the boy he was out on a date with.

Liam threw his phone down for good now. He didn't know why he was so frustrated. Niall had every right to go on dates with and get texts from this Grant guy. But Liam couldn't help but wonder if Grant even know what Niall did. Did Grant even know how Niall felt? Shouldn't Niall go out with someone who knew what was going on in his life?

But he didn't like Niall. He couldn't like Niall. It just wasn't a possibility. Even though Niall was so beautiful, so perfect, so delicate, and all Liam wanted to do was make the Irish boy Happy, He didn't have feelings for Niall.

"Stop," Liam said the word aloud, as though speaking it would make it more tangible than the confused jumble of thoughts in his head.

I'm straight. He reminded himself. And then he began to repeat the words, a constant reminder of their truth. I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight. I'm straight.

But even as Liam repeated the words, Harry's question cane to mind.

Then why did you kiss him?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Niall stared out the window at the darkness. The beach house was secluded, and the only thing visible in the dark night was a single pinprick of light, far on the horizon. It was tiny, barely visible, and Nialls mind wandered to what it could possibly be. It could be a single building, alone and isolated from the world, nothing around it, or it could be an entire city on the horizon, all of its lights melding together into one dot that was still barely visible. It was hard to think that something so strong as a city could seem so weak, and it was also one of the reasons he was passing a razor blade back and forth between his fingers. He didn't look down at his hands, But anyone who had would have been impressed with how easily the blade moved between his fingers, never slicing through the skin. He was upset. He wanted to cut. But right then, for the first time in a very long time, Niall swallowing himself to really truley think throigh and process the days events.

It seemed like ages ago that he had woken up at the park to find Grant missing. He remembered the automatic response He had given when Grant had asked. Yes, He cared about Liam. He hadn't thought much of the response at the time because he hadn't thought about it, but now that the took a moment to really process what had happened. He did care for Liam, he realized. He cared for Liam so much more than he should and maybe it was obvious because Grant seemed to have picked up on it.

His first instinct was to get rid of those feelings. Throw them away. Cut until he felt nothing but the spring of the blade and the warmth in his chest had fizzled into nothing more than a tiny spark struggling to stay alive in the bitter ice cold of his heart.

But Liam had kissed him.

He had promised himself He would do whatever it took to make Liam happy. He had told himself that he would fix himself until Liam could move on and forget about him.

But what if Liam didn't want to forget about him?

What if that kiss meant something to Liam?

What if Liam actually liked him?

Niall clamped his hand down on the razor, stopping its careful motion. He wished it would have torn into his skin, just to give him some release, but he had played with blades so much that His muscles automatically kept his hand from being cut. He took a deep breath and began twirling the blade between his fingers once more. He needed to think about this. Cutting doesn't solve everything.

What if Liam did like him? Would he be willing to date Liam? It would mean so much hiding, so much keeping a smile on his fave when he wanted nothing more than to cry. Or at least it would if Niall wanted to keep Liam happy. And that was what Niall was aiming for. But even he wasn't sure he could fake for that long.

But what if Liam didn't want him to fake it? What if Liam was inly taking interest in him oil of pity? Should he even date Liam if that was the only reason Liam had any interest in him?

No.

He shouldn't date Liam.

No matter what.

Harry is gay, that's fine.

Louis is gay, that's fine.

Niall is gay, that's not okay.

He needed to remember why he was there and the frustration bubbled up in him. He couldn't make himself better and make Liam happy, not at the same time. If Liam liked him, He would have to take one of the things he considered one of his biggest flaws and face it head on. He couldn't do that. He didn't face problems head on. He blocked them out and bled them out, never taking the time to really truley process. It was too hard.

Niall looked out at the pin prick of light. He imagined one tiny house, one tiny upstairs room, the light turned on. The rest of the people in the house were fast asleep, but the boy stared across at Niall. In his mind, him and the boy were deeply connected. Because maybe it wasn't a city reduced to the power of a tiny light. Maybe it was a tiny light so strong it could be mistaken for a city.

But Niall couldn't be like that. He couldn't be the tiny light that shone like a city. No, He was like the city that was nothing but a tiny light. He was given so much, and yet he was so weak.

And what if Liam didn't even like him?

What if Liam had only kissed him because he didn't want Niall to use the innocent girl?

What if the kiss meant nothing to Liam?

The blade between Nialls fingers stopped its dance, for good this time. He vouldnt but his wrists, The braces were in the way and Liam would see. He peeled off his socks, staring at the pale skin of his ankles. The blade kissed his skin and the red liquid flowed freely. He kept pulling the blade over his skin again and again. The thoights he had spent so long dwelling on poured out if him in the thick red liquid that coated his hands and eventually the carpet. He let the thought s wash away until he was nothing but a boy alone in a room, and he watched as The tiny pin prick of lights that he had watched so intently flickered out. Everything to hope for had been washed away by a gentle tide, and yet the only thing Niall found himself thinking as he drew the blade over his skin was that Liam is straight.