I know right now might not be the best time to be telling jokes, but it helps me hen im sad...
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There was this cop and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work at the station and discovered that a woman rookie officer had joined the force. Her name was Officer Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this cop was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing else he could do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with the new rookie.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current was strong and it carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing........
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone."
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Star Wars
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says,
"Use the FORKS, Luke."
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An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a f*ck"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
Im still not happy yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >.<
