A Light Like the Sun (Merthur fanfic)

Part 8

"I can't sleep," Arthur declared that night, "I've been sleeping for a thousand years, I've had enough sleep. I don't want to sleep anymore."

Merlin couldn't blame him. In fact, Merlin admitted to himself that he was nervous for Arthur to go to sleep. He feared he wouldn't wake again.

"You two need sleep to keep your strength," Ellie chided, "I can make you both a sleeping draught."

Arthur looked a little uneasy about the prospect of consuming something magical. Ellie sensed his apprehension. Arthur caught the look in her eye.

"I'm sorry," Arthur blurted, "it's...it's nothing against magic. It's silly of me to be hesitant of it when it saved my life so many times. I mean, when Merlin saved my life so many times."

Merlin and Arthur were gazing into each other's eyes again, and Ellie felt it was probably time for her to retire for the night and leave the two of them alone.

Merlin and Arthur sat together on the couch. Arthur looked at Merlin with an expression of sadness.

"What is it?" Merlin asked.

"It's just...Merlin, you have to know how ashamed I am."

"Ashamed?" Merlin asked, "Ashamed of what?"

"Ashamed that I was blind to your pain all those years."

"Arthur, you weren't," he assured, "You always knew when something was wrong with me. You always sensed it, even if you didn't know the reason behind it."

"I just feel so...bad," Arthur lamented, "I was such a fool. I wish I could have known. Merlin," Arthur looked into his eyes with such intensity, "I am truly sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," Merlin said, "I'm sorry I never told you."

The two of them stayed up all night simply talking. They talked and talked forever it seemed like, but neither of them wanted it to end. They even talked about the difficult things; Uther's bigotry and extremism, Morgana's discovery of her magic and her tragic fall from grace.

"I think my father is largely to blame for how Morgana turned out," Arthur had said. "If he hadn't been so discriminatory of magic she would not have felt so alone and bitter."

"One of my greatest regrets is not telling her that I had magic too," Merlin admitted, "I've thought back on it so many times and I think that maybe...maybe if I had let her know that I was like her, that I understood, she wouldn't have gone down the dark path that she did."

"You couldn't have known," Arthur assured him.

"But the dragon told me she would become an evil sorceress but...at the time that he told me that she was still the Morgana that we knew. She was still my friend."

"You couldn't have believed she'd turn out like she did," Arthur reassured, "I wouldn't have believed it beforehand either."

"You may have regrets about not revealing your magic, Merlin," Arthur said solemnly, "but believe me when I say all the regret is mine. I should have been smarter, sharper. I should have been honest with myself. Sometimes I think...I think I might have suspected something about you...but I could never admit it to myself. I couldn't let myself think of what it would mean if it were true. If you truly had magic. I couldn't let anything happen to you."

Many hours later, Arthur had inquired about Merlin's travels and years he spent abroad. Merlin told him of his many adventures and people he'd met along the way. It sounded exciting but Arthur could tell there was a twinge of sadness in Merlin's tales.

"Did you enjoy those times?" Arthur asked cautiously.

"Well," Merlin began, "at times I found small bits of solace. There have been some happy times. But mostly I was just...distraught because...because you were gone."