Savior ↛ Phan

Chapter 12- Untrustable

(This '~/~' means flashback for the earlier part of the day)

(PS- Saviour's by Black Veil Brides is on help me)

I don't even know who I can trust anymore. I honestly don't. I thought I could trust Phil...but it turns out, I know nothing about him. I don't even know if I can trust my own sister anymore.

The worst part? They never told me anything. I had to see it with my own eyes and for myself. I don't think they were ever going to tell me.

Ever.

But, they just go on all happy like it doesn't even matter. Mainly because I am too god damn good at masking my feelings. It came with many years of practice although it's not the best character trait in some situations.

One lie leads to another lie. Think before you lie. If the consequences don't seem to phase you, go right ahead and lie.

That appears to be my new modo. It's quite a good one for a person like me if I do say so myself. I don't really know the extent of my thoughts right now...at least not with almost a full bottle of whiskey in my hands.

Oh yeah, that happened too. I re-lapsed. Nothing much really. I'm just surprised that I'm not getting drugged up with Ryan and jumping on him like I used to. Ah yes, the days where getting hurt felt so numb. Now I have feelings again and like before, I feel pathetic having them.

Feelings. Who needs feelings? Not me. Love? A bunch of bullshit. That's right, love is a bunch of cow poop. I'm 17, I don't need love. Although I have a burning desire to claim something like it, I can live just fine without the toxic emotion.

You're probably wondering how I got into this state of mind or, the huge mistake I made earlier. The mistake, trying to make things work with Phil and going to his house without notice. What got me into this state of mind? Boy oh boy you are in for a ride.

~/~

I guess I could make things work. What have I got to lose? Nothing.

Except Phil.

That little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me everything awful about the situation I'm in. If I'm honest, I'm tempted to put a bullet in my head just to shut it up.

My hands clench into fists and unclench as I sit on a bench in front of the school. Maybe I should go over to Phil's place. He seemed awfully fine in class as I was once again masking everything with a bright smile. If Phil actually was concerned, he'd realize that I'm not alright. That I'm hurting.

He just doesn't care.

This is what I'm talking about. Phil does care about me. Of course he does...right? See, if I truly believed he did care I wouldn't be questioning it.

Screw it, I'm going to Phil's house. My brain can say whatever it wants. I'm not listening. I'll let my adrenaline take me where it wants to be and that's with Phil. I'll kiss him again for the hell of it because I don't give a flying fuck anymore. None.

~

I use the house key Phil gave me and unlock the door and I can't believe I went from cuddling Phil to almost hating him. Yet, I still love him no matter how much I deny it...

I cautiously walk through the front of his house and I remember when I wasn't scared to let myself in. It was a normal thing. It's amazing how much my mind can change with just a few actions of a certain boy.

My eyes dart towards a familiar purse and my heart instantly drops, making me lose my balance from the shock.

What...?