Something about the Summer ON HOLD *EDITING*

Chapter 34

Tonight was Kirkes graduation party and the party was already in full swing, everyone was still feeling the realization that school was actually over for them. That they are entering the real world now and leaving people behind. I still had one more year to go but I wasnt letting that ruin my mood. I like high school, to be honest I'm quite frightened to actually go out on my own after high school is actually over but you only live once right? Alot has happened over this past year which has been straining on my emotions some good and others mostly bad. My brother being in hospital was devastating but at least he's in recovery now and hopefully will continue to get better and better. My dad finally went on a vacation without us kids and met a woman Laurie. I was not happy about this when I first met her but after a while I couldnt help but like her. She is genuinely nice. She also has two boys who just so happened to move in with us, Im glad though I get along with them. Gabriella is now apart of our family when Laurie and my dad went for custody over her. So my house is pretty full, 2 boys, one little sister, one dad and one mum. Speaking of mums my secret was finally shared with Kirke. It hurt alot but I'm glad that its out in the open now. I feel stronger.

Apart from how Kirkes been acting. Ever since Kirke decided to go to go to a university far away he began acting very strange. Every time I would try get close to him he would find a reason not to have to touch me or even talk to me. I was wondering if him finding out my secret has suddenly freaked him out and I’m now more than he can handle. I never wanted anybody to find out but I trust Kirke with my secret and my heart. This is a huge thing for me. It was hard letting people close to me after what my mother did to me, like all my trust was ripped away from me the moment she decided to lay a finger on me. Anybody living with abuse can definitely understand the constant nightmares, the constant pain of confusion and questions. That you know cannot be solved. I don’t know why I trusted Kirke, Maybe just because when I was with him my nightmares were gone. Everything bad was suddenly just gone as if Kirke was this protective force. I began staring at Kirke across the yard, he was leaning against the wooden fence laughing and chilling with his mates. His family had decided to throw a giant barbeque party in the honour of him going away. I haven’t got a chance to speak to him yet so when he made his way over to me, my heart began beating like a lunatic.

“Hi” I smiled brightly at him, wanting him to stay closer to me. To give me some affectionate attention this all for some reason just stopped.

“We need to talk” He stated not making eye contact. I frowned in confusion before asking if everything was ok. He still didn’t make eye contact with while he took a hold of my hand and lead me into my own back yard which was next door. A little more privacy, away from parents and friends.

“Kirke is everything ok?”

“Kris, this summer has been real fun but to be honest that’s all it is. Fun. I have gotten to know you even more than I have in the past 13 years our families have known each other. Though something’s different know and I’m going away to college and you’re staying here. We both want different things.”

“Kirke what are you trying to say?” I stood frozen watching him back away from me acting like my touch repulsed him. Frozen in fear was exactly how I was feeling right now. I don’t understand what he’s trying to say, I don’t understand why he’s treating me this way. I don’t understand what I did. Then he said them, the three words I had never wanted to hear.

“We’re over Kris” My breath hitched in my throat as tears covered my eyes. He began walking away but I wasn’t having it. He can’t just end it like that! He doesn’t get to chose that for us. He can’t just walk away like a coward without an explanation. Was I that worthless to him that I don’t even deserve an explanation? I ran after him catching a hold of his arm and forcefully pulling him to face me.

“Is this because of my past?” I asked my voice only just above a whisper, pleading with him to disagree. Though I got no answer.

“Why?” I asked. The simple question. The one simple question that seemed to replay through my life. Why had I been such a burden to my mother that I was left with the scars of how horrible she was. Why did I deserve to be hated by my own mother? Why was my father so distant from me? Why do I take everything to heart and then not let anyone in? Why did such horrible things happen to my loving brother? Why does Gabriella have a family that can’t see how amazing and great she is? Why can’t my own father look me in the eye? Why did I have be such a fool in love? Why did everything happy have to end? Why did Kirke feel the need that I wasn’t good enough? Why wasn’t I good enough? Was I not pretty enough? Was I not a good person? Had the past of my mother truly scared him away from me that he didn’t feel the same way? Why? That was the question and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know the answer. He froze as well, taking in my tear struck face. I thought I seen a look of sympathy cross over his face before returning to his non expressionate mask.

“Because I don’t love you. I never have and I never will”

 Because I don’t love you.

I never have

And I never will. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you. Because I don’t love you.

Surprisingly those words happened to hurt worse than ‘we are over’. I became instantly haunted by the little fact that contained my whole heart. If I felt like I had a broken heart before this was a thousand times worse. All my emotions just seemed so heightened with Kirke, in love and in heartbreak. The tears couldn’t stop spilling as he stood there fully aware of how small he was making me feel. Then in the slip of a tongue I was speaking without thinking. Which was a bad thing.

“I don’t believe you” I stated, my voice raw and shaky from crying. “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me” I whispered so afraid that it wouldn’t come out at all. This was the break or make it. He stepped forwards placing both hands on both sides of my cheeks, searching my face before looking me in the eye.

“I don’t love you” and with that his hands slipped away as I lurched forward in a dry heaving motion. The tears began to choke me as I began throwing up watching his figure walk away. Everything that was me, every little secret was with him. The tears wouldn’t stop as I stayed clutching the grass screaming at god. In all my life I have never hated as much as I did now. If god was really looking out for me why did I deserve this? Why did the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with rip me apart? Emotionally of course.  I just can’t see how things could get much better.