Strings of Memory

Chapter 29

Napalunok ako at hindi nakapagsalita.

"You left us hanging when we were in the middle of talking about what we should do with the band," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "And now that we're all trying to move forward, gusto mong bumalik kami doon?"

"Iba ka rin, Wynther. Why are you even doing this? Are you playing the role of a broken hero? Are you trying to keep Luna's dream alive? Are you trying to use her dream to move forward? Ha! That's just disgusting."

Lumapit siya sa akin at dinuro ako sa dibdib.

"Don't you dare use her as an excuse," he spat. "Kung wala kang magawang mabuti, mas mabuti pang bumalik ka na lang sa dati. Ang walang pakialam na Wynther."

Kumunot ang noo ko at napakuyom ang kamao ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

It angers me. I understand why he's being like this. He's angry for what I did and I deserve to face his anger but that doesn't mean he has the right to insult my resolve to move forward.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Nang maramdamang okay na ako, iminulat ko ang mga mata ko at tinitigan siya nang diretso.

I matched the coldness in his eyes.

"First of all, I apologize for what I did at Luna's funeral," I said. "I left all of you hanging and decided to quit on my own. Wala akong excuse sa ginawa ko. It was selfish of me, and I'm truly sorry."

I saw the flicker of hesitation in his eyes, but I continued.

"I'm also sorry for what I said to you when you saw me in that alleyway. You were just worried about me, and I said something I shouldn't have."

"I know you're angry and I understand why. But that doesn't give you the right to insult my resolve to move forward. I'm not using Luna like what you thought. Being in a band has been my dream since I was a kid—just like all of you. And finally achieving that made me so happy. But when she died. I decided to abandon the dream I already abandoned three years ago and you don't know how hard and painful it was."

Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko, pero hindi ako tumigil.

"You don't know how hard it was to pretend I didn't love my dream anymore. How painful it was to leave everything behind. Akala ko, if I kept running away, I'd save myself from getting hurt. Pero ang totoo, nasaktan pa rin ako kahit iniwan ko ang pangarap ko."

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga.

"You're probably wondering now why—why I suddenly decided to pursue it again after abandoning it for the second time." I looked away for a moment, then met his gaze again. "It's because I was just deceiving myself. I was only pretending that I didn't need it anymore. Na ginagawa ko lang 'to para sa sarili kong ikabubuti. Na mas okay nang talikuran ko na lang. Pero sa dulo, hindi ko pala kayang iwan ang pangarap ko. I don't want it to die without even trying. I don't want it to vanish without even being pursued. Ayokong mangyari 'yon."

Bumuntong hininga ako at pinakawalan ang bigat sa dibdib ko.

"I'm sorry for being insensitive. For trying to recruit you even though your future is already set in stone with the track and field club. But if you have time, please listen to the song I made. I'll just send you the time and place." Kinuha ko ang bag ko mula sa bench. "Don't worry. Zeira and Rive will also be there. I just want all of you to listen to it."

And without waiting for his reply, I left.

That conversation didn't go how I envisioned it. I lost my cool. I started talking without even letting him respond. But I couldn't help it when he accused me of something I'd never do.