A Bucket List for Ella

Chapter 23

            “Agreed.  I’ll go break out the bottle of champagne,” Mike said, standing up from the table.

            He came back with a bottle and quickly popped the top off.  He went around, pouring for everyone, and when he got to me I put my hand over my glass.

            “Oh Ella, just have some,” Aunt Jodi laughed.

            As Mike poured me a glass, I realized that Aunt Jodi had finally accepted my living with cancer and she discovered that keeping me away from certain things in life wouldn’t help or hinder my disease.  And that’s when I realized that although I may not be able to cross off the last thing on my bucket list, to conquer cancer, I could live with living with cancer.  Because the disease doesn’t have you; you have the disease.  And it’s up to you to make the best of your life with the cards you’ve been dealt.

            “To the family finally all being together,” Aunt Jodi said, holding up her glass.  We clinked glasses and sipped our champagne, and everyone was smiling.  And I finally had a solid group that I could call family.

            Aunt Jodi and Mike leaned in to each other for a long kiss.  At the same time, I felt Nico’s hand on my face, gently prompting me to face him.

            “To us,” he said quietly.

            “To us,” I replied, leaning in.

***

            Finally I was back in the swing of things with school and volunteering at the hospital.  Nico had gone back to Vancouver for a couple of weeks to get everything sorted out with packing and such, and Aunt Jodi and my future Uncle Mike were busy with wedding planning.

            So I decided to spend a day at the hospital, which is when I ran into Liam.

            I walked into the hospital in a really positive mood, making my way to the elevator which I knew so well.  I pushed the button and waited, and when the doors opened, there was Liam.

            Instantly I got a sour taste in my mouth.  Liam was coming down from one of the upper floors, and I was getting onto the elevator.  Liam nodded at me and stepped off the elevator.  I was about to get on, when I stopped.

            “Liam, do you have a minute?” I turned and asked him.

            “Of course,” Liam said, walking towards me.

            “What are you doing here?” I asked out of curiosity.

            “Visiting my mom.”

            “Is she okay?” I wondered.  Suddenly I was worried; I liked Liam’s mom.

            “Oh yeah, she’ll be fine.  She just had food poisoning last night and we didn’t know what it was because it was pretty bad so we brought her here.  But she’ll be fine; I think they’re discharging her later today.”

            “That’s good to hear,” I said.  “About her being okay, not about her being sick.  I would never…” I trailed off.

            Liam sighed.  “I know Ella, its okay.  What did you want to ask me earlier?”

            “How is it with you and Melanie?” I asked quietly.

            “It’s…I mean, honestly, it’s tense and awkward.  But we’re making do, for Hallie’s sake,” he told me.

            “I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not really…” I said.  “I am sorry about those things that I said to you though.  That Hallie would grow up hating you.  You didn’t deserve to hear that, even if it is true.”

            “Gee, thanks,” he said, smirking and looking around the room.

            “But I also know that I screwed up.  I told you I kissed Nico while you and I were together, which is true, and I definitely should have come clean about it, even if you would have hated me for it.”

            “I could never hate you Ella,” Liam said, placing a hand on my shoulder.  “You have to know that I am sorry, and that I never meant to hurt you.  I was stupid, and a jerk and I recognize that.  I would not hate you even if you could never forgive me.  I don’t expect you to forgive me.”

            I absorbed all that Liam was saying and thought deeply for a moment.  Then I spoke.  “I’ve learned from the past that holding a grudge isn’t really the best thing, and that forgiving is the way to go.  Even though you’ve screwed up, I’m not perfect either.  I’m not going to say let’s forgive and forget, or to go back to the way things were when we were friends.  But I hope we can be acquaintances at the very least.”

            “I can live with that,” Liam said, smiling the smile I once loved so much.  Looking back, I didn’t love it at all compared to Nico’s bashful and goofy smiles.

            “Good.”  I smiled.

            “Nico’s a lucky man,” Liam said.  “And you’re a lucky girl.”  Then Liam took a few steps back, raised his hand to wave, and said, “I’ll see you around Ella.”

            “See you around,” I called, and then I watched as Liam turned around and walked out the door.

            I waited for another elevator to take me to the kids’ room, where I played with them for a bit.  A lot of them had their whole lives to look forward to, and even though some might not make it, as Lina didn’t, a good amount of them would be able to lead a relatively normal and fulfilling life, just like me.

            And at that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than for that to happen for them.

***

            “I’ll be in Australia by Friday,” Nico told me. 

            We were Skyping, and truth be told, I missed him.

            “That’s great,” I told him.  “I’m so excited.”

            “I can’t wait to see you again,” he told me, mirroring my thoughts exactly.

            “Me neither.”

            We talked for a few more minutes about random things, and then we said not goodbye, but see you soon.  Nico was going to be living in the same building as me, a few floors down, so we would be able to see each other whenever.

            I closed my laptop and walked over to my nightstand where I kept my list book.  I opened it to the page where I had taped the bucket list so long ago. 

            With one swift movement, I tore out the bucket list, crumpled it up, and tossed it into the garbage can.

            I no longer needed the list; I had completed everything on it except to conquer cancer, and I had accepted that.  My bucket list was never necessary in the first place, because I was still alive and still living life to the best of my ability.

            And when you live life to the fullest, every day is its own bucket list.