Cold Ashes

Chapter 12 - Aftermath

"Look, Leah, I've made mistakes before. I know I have, but getting out of your life is probably the only good thing that I'll be doing in a long time."

"Why? Because you're bit?"

Ryan stared. The argument paused for that moment, for a few seconds where they both absorbed what had just happened. What was just admitted out loud - for them both to hear. That he was bitten and there wasn't anything they could do about it.

In the end, there was only ever one question on his lips, but he didn't even need to say it before Leah answered:

"I looked at it when you were out. You can cover it up all you like, it's pretty hard not to miss - and it's your eyes that really gave you away." he covered his hand with his sleeve, suddenly going pale at everything that he would need to explain. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He shrugged. "It was never the right time."

"We had kids there." She spat viciously, jabbing her finger at the window.

He looked down, ashamed. "I know."

"Yeah. And you still stayed."

"Only because you-"

"I haven't got you on a fucking leash, Ryan! You could've gone any time you liked!"

"Bullshit! You know that's not true."

"I know it's true, Ryan."

"D'you think I wanted to leave, Leah? The life you have is much better than mine-"

She scoffed. "Now that, is bullshit."

"You don't know what it's like! I've been alone for years, I've been stuck in this personal... hell where all that existed was me. I hated it! I didn't want to go back."

"You could've at least mentioned that you got yourself bit! Maybe not in front of Heather, but you could've told me. We're meant to be friends-"

"Friends? Where d'you think you are, in another one of your stories?"

That silenced her, hurting her much more than it should've. So Ryan continued.

"What d'you think was going to happen, Leah? That we'd actually live happily ever after? That Heather and the kids'll grow up and be able to get away from Boss? That we'd actually fall in love and do that lovey dovey crap? D'you really think any of it would work?"

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Ryan! Are you really that big-headed to think that I like you in that way? You're a complete douchebag - all you ever give a crap about is yourself!"

"And? That's kept me alive all this time."

"There you go again! Seriously, you go first before anyone, don't you? Where do I come, huh? Third? Fifth? Come on, let's hear how selfless the amazing Ryan is!"

"You can talk!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You left a man to die in the street because you couldn't be bothered to beat up Boss' men! Why is that, by the way? Why do you of all people give a shit about what Boss thinks of you? Why d'you think that for even a second we could live the dream and actually be good people?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" she screamed, tears beginning to drain from her face as she thought of what was coming. The ending that she would never, ever be able to get away from. And the alternative. The dreamland which she'd been living. Simply because she couldn't stand the truth.

"The life I wanted was so much different from this. I wanted to be away from the city, I wanted to live somewhere where Boss wouldn't find me or the kids or anybody else ever again. I wanted to have a family! But I know I wouldn't be able to live like that, I know that. More than most. There would've been people trying to stop us, to hurt us, but it would've been fine. It would've been fine because we'd be together and that's all I would've wanted. That's all I want, Ryan.

"I can't ever live happily ever after. But that doesn't mean that I can't pretend - even for a second - that I will."

Ryan looked at her, breaking down in front of his eyes. He hadn't seen her like this - even in front of the mega-zombie, she never shed a tear. Now here she was, spilling out her heart for him. He never saw anything like it, and didn't know whether to feel intrigued or as hurt as she.

In the end, it was a little bit of both that drove him forward. He stepped so close to her that he could see the tiny drops of water that fell from her eyes and into her shirt, the redness around them that overflowed and the ragged breathing.

"Why did you stay, then?" She gasped through the tears, "Come on, it wasn't the food or the fucking accommodation, why? Why be stuck in that old shack for days?"

He choked on his own words. About to scream but stopping himself at the last moment, managing to get another look in those bright, sparkling eyes. A thin layer of sweat on his brow. "You."

A shiver went up her spine, but this one didn't come from the hurt. This came from another feeling that she was unaware of. "What?"

"It was you." He shrugged, admitting an obvious truth: "My only friend in the world."

She was breathless, but kept her head. "Then, for once, why don't you just treat me like one?"

****

It took little effort to convince Leah to go. The excuse was that she needed to get back to Heather and the kids anyway, to tell them what was happening. How plans had changed. Ryan assumed it was also to tell her what he was turning into.

To tell Heather that she was secretly housing a monster, to tell the kids that no matter what, he wouldn't be coming back. He couldn't help the guilt that was sewn in his chest. Lying being a sin that his father told him countless times not to do.

His father... His dad... He was often in Ryan's thoughts, lurking somewhere to repeat a piece of advice. To show a happy memory. It was a curse that Ryan gladly carried. As if he needed some kind of redemption. His own small payment to what he'd done.

He still had many questions about Leah. About everything.

Like why she hadn't tried to escape the city with Heather and the kids if Boss was after her? She had the means and ways, so why didn't she just do it? What was stopping her? Why did she keep saying that she had no choice?

He also didn't understand Heather - why was nobody else trying to look after the kids but her, why was it her responsibility? Why were the parents selling them off so easily? Why did nobody care anymore like Ryan's parents always did?

But the one thing he kept asking himself was why he didn't go when he had the chance. Why was he staying here, endangering the only survivors he knew of, just because of his greed and selfishness? Because he, after all he'd gone through, just couldn't stand the deafening loneliness for one second longer?

He had no good answers. He was just a selfish person - a terrible person - who only wanted to survive. And her words haunted him like a terrifying omen of truth through his ears.

It was at this point that he made his final decision. One that he should've made a long, long time ago. He packed up the backpack he had; taking a knife that Leah had left behind but not bothering to take any food or water.

Both would be kinder deaths than the one he was facing. He could only hope that they'd take him first rather than the bite on his hand. He took a second to think of her - allow himself one more dream before everything would go forever.

Then he sighed, and opened the door. Intending to never look back again on the kids, on Heather or even Leah.