in the same place.

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CHARLIE

"Knock, knock," mom taps a knuckle on my bedroom door, proceeding to let herself in.

My gaze shifts from my the wall, across to her.
It's nearing ten A.M. on a school day. Mom left for work before I was awake this morning—she's in the middle of directing a movie. I, on the other hand, ignored both my alarms and made the decision to skip school.

Usually when I do that without permission, mom gets frustrated. Rightly so.
Today was most likely going to be no different, especially since I dodged all her messages and calls.

"Babe, you've gotta tell me when you need a day off," she speaks in an assertive manner, making herself comfortable at the end of my bed. "You know I panic when your principal calls and you're not in class, especially when you refuse to answer the phone."

With a hint of guilt, I sit up and pull my knees to my chest. My hands fiddle nervously with the sleeves of my shirt. "I'm sorry," I say, my voice raspy.

Mom shuffles up and takes my hand. "What's going on?"

She's always been very intuitive. She can sense when something isn't right with me, especially since my low point last year.
I spent two whole months in rehab, and then another three weeks in a psychiatric ward because my therapist saw me as a danger to myself.

He was right of course.

Ever since the hell I put myself and mom through, I've been so afraid of screwing up like that, or falling down the rabbit hole. I never, ever want to be back in the same place I was.

But, I'm struggling to pretend it's not getting bad again.

"Talk to me," mom's voice is calm. It's comforting.

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

"For skipping school? You already apologised, honey. You don't need to again."

"Not just for that."

The look of concern on her face increases. She takes a breath. "What for then?"
I don't answer her.
"Charlie, if something has happened I need you to tell me," she reiterates.

She has a knack for thinking the worst when it comes to me keeping secrets, because it's never turned out to be something good.

Regardless of the fact that I'm almost completely certain I'll feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I'm extremely hesitant to tell her what I've done.

I feel stupid. And so, so guilty.

"I don't know how," I finally answer, my heart racing at a speed that almost makes my body feel numb.

"Is it possibly something that you can show me? Or you could try writing it down?"

Again, I stay silent. I know if I do that, it all becomes too real again.
I won't feel like I'm carrying the weight of it alone, I know that, but it also means that I have someone else holding me accountable and that is terrifying.
What if it just keeps getting worse? What if I'm not going to get better?

"Charlie," mom gives me a look.

My eyes grow teary, and my hands become clammy. "Please don't be upset with me."

"Honey, I promise you I'm not going to be. I'm just worried about you, that's all." she explains. "You can talk to me, there's no judgment."

Her words provide me with an overwhelming sense of relief. Deep down, I know that but sometimes I need the reassurance.
My mom has maybe only once yelled at me, in my entire seventeen years of living. She's always shown up for me, in whatever way I've needed her to.

With that in mind, I wipe my eyes on my shoulder and take a breath. "I've been hurting myself again."

There wasn't really any point in wiping my tears, because they immediately start pouring.
Mom's head tilts slightly to the side. Her eyes weep with mine.

"Honey," she starts, her voice soft. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't see it was so bad again." She places her hands on my cheeks and manages a small smile.

My lips quiver, afraid to tell her that there's more. "I relapsed on LSD too."

"Oh, sweetheart." Her arms wrap tightly around my body. My chin rests on her shoulder.
"I'm so proud of you for telling me. We're going to get you some help, okay? You don't deserve to feel like this."

I nod, and bury my head further into her neck.

"I'm here for you," she breathes. "Do you feel like you could tell what triggered this to happen?"


_______
the end of this was kinda rushed but HEY

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