you can talk to me

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Age: 17
Warnings: talk of self harm

Y/N:
My mom is my best friend. I tell her pretty much anything and vice versa. But, when it comes to opening up...well I'm not very good at it.

I don't really know how it started, but I know that it's gotten out of control. Cutting is the only way I know how to cope now. It's the only way I know how to cope with my grades, with my shitty friends, with life in general I guess.

In my right mind I know that I desperately need help because living in a constant state of depression, anxiety and fear is not really living at all, but still there's a voice that tends to override that. It tells me that I'm not sick enough to need help. I don't cut deep enough to need help or for it to be even counted as "self-harm". It tells me that I'm just overreacting and this is how life is supposed to be. The list goes on.

I feel like I need to tell my mom because I can't carry this weight alone anymore. I'm beginning to get scared of my own mind now, but I don't want her to have to carry this weight either.

I don't want to burden her. She has enough to carry already. I mean Cosmo is only a year old and Mom is constantly up in the night and constantly has him attached to her hip. She's got her new brand that is very hands on. She's got Rose who sometimes can be very hard work, but you know...she's at that age. I was a nightmare to deal with when I was seven.

I thought about talking to Colin about it, but truthfully I'm not ready for him to know yet. Or at least I don't want to be the one to tell him.
It's not that I don't trust him, because I do. It's just...I don't know....I just think that I've I'm going to open up to anyone it's going to be my Mom because I already have a hard enough time doing it already.

•••

Today everyone was home. It's a long weekend too so all of us have the whole three days off.
It's currently just gone eleven a.m. and Mom just finished feeding Cosmo and put him down for a nap so I made my way down to the kitchen where Colin and Rose were baking and Mom was finally eating breakfast.

Her and Colin smiled as they watched me sit down on the kitchen stool closest to her. Rose didn't see me come in, she was distracted licking the cake batter off the spatula.

"Mom?" I hesitate to ask as she takes a bite of her toast. "Mhm?" She hums. "Um, do...can I talk to you, when you're done eating?" My voice wavers.

This causes her to turn her head to me. Her expression is worried as she nods. "Is everything okay?" She questions, her bottom lip falling into a frown. I just shrug in response, not really knowing the answer.

She takes the last bite of the toast and stands up from her seat, telling Colin and Rose that she'll be back before taking my hand with a small smile and walking me out of the room.

She takes me into her bedroom and sits in front of me on her bed.

Scarlett:
I could hear the hesitation in my daughters voice when she asked to talk to me. Instantly it made me worry, so I quickly finished my breakfast and took her up into my bedroom.

"What's up, sweetheart?" I question. Her eyes immediately become glassy as she starts to pull at the sleeves of her hoodie as she shrugs. "You can talk to me, Y/N. About anything. You know that right?" I assure her. She nods, "I'm just scared you're going to get mad or look at me differently," she admits. A few tears falling from her eyes.

"Baby, nothing will ever change the way I look at you. Now, did you do drugs?" I ask.

"What?" She laughs slightly, wiping her tears.

"I take that as a no. Okay, did you crash my car?"

She shakes her head.

"Did you smoke?"

She shakes her head again.

"Okay so we've crossed off everything that I could possibly get mad at you for so you're good," I assure her with a small chuckle, "now tell me, what's got you so upset, huh?" I speak in a gentle manner. "I don't know how to tell you," she cries, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her hoodie. "Oh sweetheart," I sigh, "Is it something you can write down, or show me?"

She nods.

"Can you show me then?" I ask gently. I could feel the anxiety coming off of her. I don't think I've seen Y/N this distressed since I told her she couldn't watch Tangled when she was seven because she had to go to school.

"You promise you won't yell at me?" She asks shakily. "Honey, I promise," I smile lightly.

Her head drops to her hands as she takes a deep breath, wiping her tears on her shoulder. She hesitantly reaches for the sleeve of her hoodie and slowly pushes it up her arm.

When she asked to talk to me I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know it was going to be this bad.
Angry red lines and scars are littered up her forearms. I can't believe I didn't see this happening.

"I'm sorry," she sniffs, trying to catch her breath. I feel a tear drop from my own eyes before I shuffle up next to her and hold her in my arms. "You don't have to be sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry I didn't see this happening."

"Can I ask why you did it?" I question gently as she clings onto me. "I just didn't know how to cope anymore," she explains through her sobs. "Cope with what, baby?" My fingers softly run through her hair. "Everything. Life. I don't know how to stop now either."

I wipe my own tears on my shoulder before resting my head on top of hers as she cries hysterically. "It'll be okay. Mama's here," I coo.

"Why did you think I'd be mad at you for this, sweetheart?" I ask after a few minutes. She shrugs, her cries beginning to slow down. "I could never ever be mad at you for this, Y/N. I'm so sorry that your felt like this was this only way out or the only way to cope. I promise you though, it's not. I'm going to help you through this, yeah? It will get easier," I speak softly. She nods and whispers a "thank you".

"Do you think it would be beneficial to see a therapist or a psychologist?" I suggest. "Maybe. I'll try," she mumbles. "Okay," I kiss the top of her head before resting my chin back on it.

Another few minutes pass as Y/N continues to cling on to me. "Would it be okay if I helped clean up your arms?" I ask. She shrugs, "okay. Can we just have cuddles for a little bit longer first?"
"Of course."

"I love you so much my beautiful girl. Thank you for opening up to me about this, I know it can't of been easy," I say. "I love you too mom, so much."


___________
A/N: heyo
I'm so sick at the moment it's not very slay
this hasn't been proofread so I'm sorry for the mistakes that are most definitely there

wait I hope you have a great day/night wherever you are in the worlddd <3

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