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Dear Old Friend,

I miss you.

There was nothing I could do to save you from yourself.
And that's what I hate the most.

I think I always will miss you.

You were everything to me. You were the first person who really cared about me in awhile.

You were the most amazing person ever. I remember every talk I ever had with you.

I'll remember them forever.
I'll never let them go, no matter how hard I try.

I still know deep down that you died.

You died.
I can't still quite grasp that yet.

Because I still hear your voice in the back of my head.
Every time I see a girl with red hair, I see you in her face.

I remember all of the conversations we had.
I remember laughing about nursing homes with you.

I remember you telling me about that gross smoothie you made when your parents were gone on vacation.

I remember how nice you were when I asked if I could refer to you as a friend.
And your exact words.

You were the nicest person I've ever met.
And I wanted to keep you that way. I never wanted anybody to hurt you, ever.

I remember talking to you about how much you meant to me. I remember writing you a long paragraph right after I heard the news that you tried committing.

You said it made you cry. You said I was an angel and I remember saying that I was gonna go all the way to Europe to hug the SHIT out of you.

And I remember you told me that was cute, not in a weird way. You never wanted it to sound that way.

I remember that time in late December when you had to go to the hospital when you were sick, and I remember asking about if you could watch the Ball Drop Celebration for the new years on a hospital TV.
You didn't know what it was, then I remembered OH IT'S PROBABLY AN AMERICAN THING.

I remember when you said that the hospital was scary, and I asked if it wasn't clean then you laughed.

I remember the way you'd tell me how funny I am. I remember the way you'd let me turn the conversation to myself.
You kind of just listened, and I really needed that.

I remember it all.
And if I could change ONE thing? It would be the way it ended.

I'd change it all; even if it meant I never talked to you.
I'd change it all just to make you stay.

Just to stay alive.
Stay here.

So we could have more funny conversations about nursing home food and how gross it sounds.

But I was able to cuss out anyone who fucked with you, I thought I was able to keep you safe.

I thought I saved you from everybody.

But I wasn't able to save you from yourself.

I'll miss you forever.

-Crystal/Cam/Robin