2024: diary of a girl in her 20s

04.09 Sadness

I had a presentation today it didn't go so well so now I'm kind of depressed and when i get sad about something i start thinking of many other things in my life that make me sad.

i texted sonny to see if i felt better.

"i don't want to date with anybody i always have such a difficult time when i do" "i feel so much external pressure to 'make the most' out of my 20s" "but i'm so scared about pain and feelings"

he answered "you're not missing out for not dating" "if he's not the one then it is better to just wait" "no reason to suffer for nothing"

i came back home had dinner and went straight to bed.

the easter break was stressful, i had so much work to get done and spent it all locked up at home studying. my dad was an asshole as per usual. my grandma turned 93. she spent the entire next day crying because she didn't remember who she was. she acts like a little girl lately, she always says she doesn't want to bother anybody so she keeps saying that she wants to go home tho she is already home.

it makes me so sad to know my mom will forget about everything, and so will my dad, and so will i, and everybody else. i don't want to think about this anymore, it makes me deeply sorrowful.

i saw alys in the train station on monday.

i also saw mikkel, an old high school classmate.

we talked for a little and i think i had never realised how beautiful his green eyes are. he sat in the same wagon as me in the train and he kept turning around to check if i was looking at him. i've always wondered if he has ever found me good looking, i think not. he is the kind of guy that i just assume to be way too much out of my league— he has the looks, the intelligence and he is a scholarship athlete. before he exited the train he checked back if i was looking at him and he gave me a smile and waved while saying goodbye.

i'm going to bed. i'm sad