Taming the Green Eyed Monster

First Loves

They say that first loves never work out.

Perhaps it was because as people aged, they grew out of it. Or perhaps it was because most who experienced their first love were in the throes of childhood and their understanding of love was too immature to grasp the complexity of what it meant to truly love someone.

And that was how Lee Jong In convinced himself that his love for Han Ye Jun would never be more than these unrequited feelings. His love was likely too immature, having been derived too early in his youthful days.

It had been entirely an accident as to how he came to understand what his feelings were. While girls were a common topic for 12 year old boys, love was not. He simply knew that he had wanted to always be with Ye Jun, to be near him, to laugh with him, to have fun with him. It wasn't until one hot summer afternoon when the sun was glaring angrily onto the bed, where the two were lying, thinking up random ideas to fill the remaining days of summer break when he finally put a name to his feelings.

Jong In had come home, after having had a haircut, to find Ye Jun lying in his bed, reading a manga book that Jong In had bought on the first day of summer. Ye Jun had simply gazed up at him from his position and grinned. "You look like a chestnut," he had said.

Jong In had shrugged, not particularly interested in the way his hair looked. He had simply picked a style that was easy and could help him fight off the summer heat. He made his way directly to the bed and joined his friend, picking up a book of his own on the way.

But instead of reading, they had spent the rest of the afternoon talking instead, dreaming up plans of what they would do if they had all the money and the means in the world. They talked of building rockets, mining for rare rocks, digging for dinosaurs, building a life-sized catapult, sailing to the americas. Each scenario was more extravagant than the last and they talked through every potential detail that they could think of. And in each scenario, one thing always remained the same - it was always just the two of them, off on their little adventure.

Lee Jong In and Han Ye Jun together.

Then Ye Jun had then made an offhand comment that stuck with him for years to come. "I don't really care what we do," he had said, flailing his arms up into the air in random arches. "Just as long as I can do it with you, every summer for the rest of our lives."

Jong In had looked at his friend then. A strange but familiar feeling had bubbled up in his chest after hearing Ye Jun's words. It was a feeling he often had when he was with Ye Jun but this time, there was something more to it. His fingers itched. He wanted to reach out to him, to hug him... kiss him.

Kiss him?

Startled and terrified of the direction of his thoughts, Jong In had forced his mind to focus on his words instead. Every summer from then on, he had said. They had promised so it had to be made true.

And for a while, they had kept to that promise. But that summer... the summer of their 20th year, Ye Jun did not show his face once.

Jong In, who was lying on his bed, stared at his phone, willing it to ring telepathically. But it remained silent.

Jong In closed his eyes and quietly groaned as his thoughts ventured back to the previous winter. Why? Why had he acted in such a manner? It wasn't as if he had just realized his feelings for his best friend. He had been in love with the guy since middle school and it had been eight years since then.

He had been good at controlling his emotions all that time so why had he spiraled? Even Jong In could tell that he had become too clingy, reaching out to him constantly, meeting up with him after classes for meals, standing on the sidelines, waiting for him to finish his conversations with other students, forcing Ye Jun out of guilt to end the conversation or outing quickly just so that Jong In wouldn't wait too long or feel too uncomfortable. Jong In too would have hated it if someone had done that to him. So of course, Ye Jun had felt burdened.

What was wrong with him? Had he somehow lost all his pride that year? Even worse, now it seemed that Ye Jun finally realized that the guy who he called his best friend was attracted to him. Was he uncomfortable now that he knew that Jong In was gay? Or was he uncomfortable with the fact that it was Jong In who liked him?

They had never gone so long without speaking. In the past, even when one of their families had gone away on vacation, they had constantly kept in contact via text and phone calls. The longest length of time without contact had been only a few days.

Jong In felt anxious. If Ye Jun could go so long without speaking to him then did that mean that... their friendship was over? Could the length of time exceed this into six months? A year? Five years? A lifetime?

He reached for his phone again then stopped. It had only been a few days since he had last tried calling him. He had been outside on campus somewhere between their two departments when he rang his number. Jong In had seen him when he turned a corner just as the third ring began. Ye Jun had been with a friend and he glanced at his phone for a moment but then simply placed it back into his pocket and continued along his way.

It had been a bit of a shock to Jong In, to witness him purposely avoid him.

Had it really only been a few weeks since they were hanging out together like they normally did?

He closed his eyes again, searching for comfort in his memories.