Stray Kids Drabbles

To Saturn and back

Hyunjin's attention went back to you. He tried to memorize the feeling of your hand in his. This was the last time the two of you would be together. He bit down on the inside of his cheek and closed his eyes again.

"I have to keep reminding myself you're already gone. Deep down, I know you're gone, in my heart, but my brain wants to tell me otherwise." He reopened his eyes and pulled his hand away from yours.

Without a word, he stood up and moved toward your hospital bed. He sat on the edge of it and grabbed your hand again, this time with both of his hands. "Your family spoke to the doctors and they've decided to donate some of your organs."

"I struggled with it, at first, because I didn't want to imagine that, but the doctors have told us about the receivers. There's a five year old boy who struggles with kidney failure. Your kidneys are going to him and the doctors say if everything goes right, he could have a normal life."

A memory popped up of the two of you walking in a park. The two of you were holding hands and talking when a kid fell off the swing. You let go of Hyunjin's hand and rushed over to console the crying child. You wiped away their tears, pulled a band-aid out of your bag, and reassured her everything would be alright as you bandaged her scraped finger.

"And there's a father of two children that'll receive your liver. The doctors said he's fighting liver cancer. I got to meet with him and talk to him. He has two cats and a goldfish," Hyunjin chuckled. "Can you believe he has a goldfish? I've never met anyone with a single pet goldfish."

"And your heart is going to a woman around your age. She just had a baby a few weeks ago. She needs the heart, so she can raise her baby." Tears pricked up in his eyes. "I wish it didn't have to be yours, but you own the biggest heart I've ever known."

"You might not be alive anymore, but parts of you are going to keep on living. I think if you were able to hear that, you'd be at peace with it. You always liked helping people. You're one of the most selfless people I know."

He moved forward and gently laid himself between the small opening of you and your bed. His tears blurred his vision as he glanced over at your face. He pushed a piece of your hair away from your forehead with a trembling hand.

"I'm going to miss everything about you. The way you used to smile at me when I came home. The warmth of your body when I crawled into bed after a long day of work. The home cooked meals you used to make sometimes. All those times I annoyed you while we shopped for groceries." He laughed at the memory.

"I know it's part of life and this is how it works. I have to let you go, I know you'd want me to, but I miss you so much. I don't want to do this without you."

The suppressed emotions were bubbling up inside him. He was hit with a wave of anger and his voice came out a little louder. "Why can't you just wake up? We need you here! I need you!" His ugly sobs filled the room. He rolled over and stuck his head in your chest.

He wasn't met by the comfort of your arms. The soft sound of your voice never appeared. You used to gently tug your fingers through his hair, but that was gone too. Your heart monitor continued to beep. Your brainwaves ceased to exist. The ventilator continued to breathe for you.

He sobbed until his throat was raw. Snot and tears coated your hospital gown. His arms wrapped around you and he moved beneath the ventilator tube to listen to your heartbeat a final time.

He closed his eyes and laid there for a while. The nurses must have heard his sobs from outside the room. They must have decided to let him experience this human misery in peace. His heart had cracked open like an eggshell and the only thing left behind was the runny intangible feeling of despair.

After a while his sobs turned into quiet singing. His voice cracked and the pitch was wrong, but it didn't matter. The never ending stream of sadness flowed out of him in the form of your favorite songs. With his ear pressed to your chest, he sang, and sang, and sang until he finally ended it with your favorite song.

When he finished, he was left with a hollow ache in his heart. This was it, the end of everything, he was alone now. He forced himself to pull away from you. He took in your face a final time.

The way your eyelashes brushed against the tops of your cheeks. The slope of your nose. The feathered eyebrows that you used to get mad at because you had to pluck them regularly to keep their shape.

He leaned forward, so his face was a few inches away from yours. "Please just wait for me. Wherever you are, I'll find you one day. If you're not there, I'll find you in the next life." His bottom lip quivered, "I-I promise."

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the middle of your forehead. They remained there for a few seconds until he pulled away. "I love you to Saturn and back."

Saturn was your favorite planet. It had been your favorite planet ever since Hyunjin bought a telescope after you mentioned you liked space in a passing conversation. For your latest birthday, he bought the telescope and set it up to view the planets and stars.

He set up a picnic for you on top of a hill. The two of you watched the sun set side by side. You fell asleep in his lap and he woke you up when it was dark enough to see the planets. After spending nearly twenty minutes searching the cloudy darkened sky, you finally found Saturn.

It was your thing ever since that night.

I love you to Saturn and back.

Such a simple phase that held so much meaning to the two of you. That picnic was the place where Hyunjin asked you to date him. It was beneath those stars that the two of you shared your first kiss.

He gave your hand one last reassuring squeeze before he reached over to press the call button to let the nurses know that it was time.