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LEAVING JACKSON BEHIND reminded Cindy brutally of how much she missed the brief warmth of the fireplace. She was still giving Joel the cold shoulder. He missed her quick remarks and odd, random statements that usually filled the air, now replaced by an icy silence from her that cut him to the core.
As they set up camp for the night, the fire crackling softly in the darkness, Cindy sat apart from the others, her back turned to Joel as she stared into the flames, lost in her own thoughts.
He sighed. "I'm gonna... check the perimeter one more time." He pushed himself up off the ground, gun in hand, and disappeared to secure the area one last time before first watch.
Ellie shuffled closer to Cindy, smiling slightly to try and lift her spirits. "Hey," she began softly, reaching out to gently squeeze Cindy's hand. "Are you okay?"
Cindy forced a tight-lipped smile, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine," she replied, her voice strained.
Ellie, of course, wasn't convinced, her gaze searching Cindy's face for any sign of the turmoil brewing beneath the surface. "You're not," she pressed gently, her tone laced with a knowing empathy.
Cindy sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "It's just, you know... things between me and Joel," she admitted reluctantly, her voice barely above a whisper, "I'm fucking with my own head,"
Ellie nodded in understanding, her expression sympathetic. "I know," she replied softly. "I know you wanna figure things out. I know you want it to be back to the way it was in Jackson. Or even before that. Anything but this, right?"
"Anything but this." Cindy sighed. "How do you read me so well?"
"Years of practice." Ellie smiled and Cindy chuckled lightly. That was the most Ellie had seen her smile in days. "Joel cares about you, Cind. It's obvious how much you mean to him, as gross as it is to say out loud."
Cindy's heart clenched at Ellie's words, despite the sprinkle of humour. She knew Joel cared about her, just as she cared about him, so much. She didn't know why she was finding it so difficult to even just look at him.
"I know he does," Cindy murmured, her voice tinged with sadness. "It's just... it's the trust, I think."
"You don't trust him at all anymore?" Ellie asked.
"No, I do. I trust him with my life," she said, "but, it's so fucking cringy to say it, but I don't know if I can... I don't know if I wanna trust him with my heart anymore." She bit her lip, contemplating her next words. "I love him, Ellie. I don't wanna get hurt."
Ellie reached out to gently squeeze Cindy's hand, offering her a reassuring smile. "I get it," she said softly. "But he's so far from perfect, Cind, and I would go as far as saying that he hates himself for even just making you cry. He loves you, too. You're good for each other. Level each other out, you know?"
Cindy's heart ached at Ellie's words. She knew things could be different, and she had to find it in herself to speak to him. Before she could respond, Joel reappeared from the darkness, his expression weary, but confirming they should be safe here for the night.
"I'll take first watch," Cindy said aloud.
Joel opened his mouth to protest, to offer to take the first watch himself, but Cindy's dismissive shrug cut him off before he could speak. With a resigned sigh, he settled down by the fire, his gaze flickering between Cindy and Ellie, the guilt in his stomach becoming unbearable.
As the night stretched on, the embers of the fire were burning out and Cindy's ears tuned into the soft sounds of Ellie's snores and the rustling of Joel as he shifted beside the low fire, repositioning himself. She felt his gaze on her and he cleared his throat.
"I'll take over, Cind, you get some rest." He whispered.
She let herself make brief eye contact with him as she nodded before shuffling around on the floor to get comfortable in a lying position, her back facing Joel. She heard him moving, assuming he was getting his gun, or possibly rummaging in his bag to load it. No, he was more prepared than that.
After a moment, Cindy felt a gentle touch on her hair, the sensation sending a shiver down her spine. She tensed, her heart racing as she realized it was Joel's hand, his touch feather-light against her skin as he brushed the strand of curly hair out of her face. He pressed a soft kiss to her temple.
Cindy's breath caught in her throat, her resolve faltering for a brief moment as she felt the warmth of Joel's lips against her skin. She didn't push him away, didn't speak, but she didn't move either, her heart torn between anger and longing.
Joel withdrew his hand and settled down for his watch, deep in thought. But Cindy's thoughts were deeper. Especially now.
