as long as i am here, no one can hurt you | levi x reader 18+

15 | losing hope

A/n

trigger warning: mentions of abuse, suicidal ideation/attempt, depression, binge drinking

if u are uncomfortable with these topics, pls skip this chapter. take care of yourselves lovelies <3

The night soon fell and Y/n was heading outside to visit her parents grave. It had become somewhat a nightly routine for her. She almost reached the cemetery when someone's hand grabbed her wrist and pushed her against a wall. She flinched at the touch and looked up to meet Floch's eyes. 

"What are you doing?" Y/n asked, trying to hide the fear in her voice. 

"I'm not here to hurt you. Just to tell you something. You're little stunt may have stopped me from getting promoted, but it won't change the fact that you're a worthless, unlovable, waste of space. I heard about you back in Wall Maria. My parents knew yours. Your parents didn't even love you. How pathetic is that? They talked about how much of a burden you were all the time. They talked about taking you to the top of Wall Maria and pushing you off just to be rid of you. Instead your father put his filthy hands on you to try to push you until you gave up, but you never did. No guy you fuck will see anything other than that weak little girl begging to get mommy and daddy's attention. Enjoy your pathetic excuse for a life" Floch spat in Y/n's face. 

Floch shoved Y/n slightly into the wall and walked away. Y/n felt her body start to shake. Images of her childhood started to flash through her head and they only reminded her of one thing. Floch was right. That was the worst part of it all. Her parents didn't love her. They never cared about her well-being. They never protected her. How pathetic is that? 

Y/n felt her knee weaken as the familiar feeling of panic set in. She was having a panic attack. She felt tears begin to blur her vision as she dragged her back down the wall and hugged her knees as he began to cry. Her thought were racing. She felt herself start to hyperventilate as his words echoed throughout her head. Y/n was foolish to think Levi could ever love her. She was far too broken beyond repair. She'd only been burdening anyone who wasted their time with her. She was stupid to think she ever stood a chance at happiness. At a normal life. 

Y/n had been suppressing her negative emotions for so long that they were bound to come pouring out. She needed to do something, anything to stop the pain she was feeling right now. To stop the flashbacks of memories she wished she would forget. She needed it all to stop. She found herself walking to a storage room in a zombie-like state and found herself grabbing a bottle of whiskey off the shelf. Y/n returned outside and brought the whiskey to her lips feeling the hot burning sensation as it when down her throat. She began walking into the night, sipping generously with each step. She wasn't sure where she was going, she just knew she couldn't be here right now. 

She walked and walked until her feet hurt and the whiskey bottle was more empty than full. Y/n found herself atop Wall Rose, overlooking Wall Maria which was still flooded with titans. She sighed as she sat atop the Wall downing the rest of her bottle. Her entire body felt warm from the whiskey and she didn't need a mirror to know her cheeks were bright red. 

"I refuse to be a burden to anyone else" Y/n said out loud to herself, not caring that no one was around to hear it. She placed the empty bottle down next to her as she stood up facing the Wall. There weren't any titans wandering at nighttime, but she didn't need any for what she planned to do. She walked towards the edge of the Wall and stood facing the dark city. She held her arms out to the side and closed her eyes. With a step she was falling off the wall, feeling the cold air grace her lungs. Before she could feel and impact, she felt something grab her midair and she felt her body begin to move upwards again. 

When she opened her eyes, she was lying atop the wall once again and Levi was hovering over her. "Y/n" Levi said, a frantic look on his face. "What the hell were you doing?!" 

Y/n could barely think as the liquor was polluting her brain. All she could do to respond was cry. Levi leaned over her body hugging her and she felt his chest move up and down as muffled sobs left his lips. "Why?" he sobbed. "Why?!" 

She felt guilt fill her body at his reaction. "No, you don't understand. I was trying to help you" she managed to whisper. "That's the opposite of what you were doing" he said, without hesitation. "I'm sorry" she cried. "I'm so so sorry." 

"Shh" Levi cooed. "Let's get you back to my room. We'll talk about it later."

With that, Y/n felt her body being hoisted by ODM gear as he lifted her in his arms effortlessly, and they began to descend the wall. Levi carried her to his room before gently setting her on the bed. He grabbed a glass of water and started to brew her a tea. Levi entered the bedroom holding the drinks and placed the glass of water on the bedside table. She took the tea cup in her hand. "Drink" he said. Y/n obliged letting the sweet taste coat her tongue. Levi always made the best tea. 

"Now, tell me. What happened?" Levi sat on the edge of the bed and held Y/n's hand with his own. 

"I was going to visit my parents grave when Floch stopped me" Y/n began. She could see a look of anger pass over Levi's face for a moment before returning to neutral. He nodded slightly as if to say "go on." 

"Floch pinned me against the wall and told me that his parents knew mine back in Wall Maria and he knew a lot about me from them. He explained how my parents would constantly tell them how much of a waste of space I am and how I'd be better off gone. He brought up how my dad treated me and how my parents didn't love me and how pathetic I was for existing" Y/n continued feeling a lump form in her throat. 

"His words hit me and I just started spiralling. It just brought back a lot of horrible memories of what my dad did to me. How I was treated, how I wasn't loved...and I realized he was right. I am a complete waste of space..like my parents thought. I didn't want to burden anyone else with my existence, so I thought I'd do everyone a favour and just...go."

Levi squeezed Y/n's hand as she finished, hot tears streaming down her cheek. 

"Y/n baby, you have it all wrong. It's because of what you went through that you view yourself in this way. You are a strong, beautiful, and capable woman. I will tell you so a thousand times if that's what it takes for it to stick. You are not a burden to me or anyone. If anything happened to you, I would be absolutely devastated. Floch is a sick fuck. He's a coward. He put you in a vulnerable spot and preyed on your weaknesses. Please don't take this the wrong way, but your parents were fucking morons. Them not loving you is no reflection on you as a person. It's on their shitty judgement. Please baby, if you ever feel in such a state again come to me. I am always here to listen and get you through this. Don't let Floch win. Don't let those inner voices get the best of you. I want the best for you and I want you by my side always. Please never leave me."  

By the time Levi finished speaking, tears were flooding down both his and Y/n's cheeks. "Oh Levi, I'm so sorry" Y/n cried. "It's okay, baby. I've got you now" Levi whispered in her ear. He stroked her hair with his free hand lovingly. "Please don't leave me baby girl." 

"I won't. I won't leave you" Y/n said, regretting tonight's actions. Floch let her mind slip and convince her that Levi didn't love her for a moment. That no one could. She hated that he knew the right buttons to press to get her in that head space. He truly was despicable. She looked to Levi and saw the amount of care and concern in his eyes. You can't fake that. She thought. Could he? 

"I'm sorry I made you worry. I've just got a lot of healing to do. I love you, Levi Ackerman" she said. 

"I love you most" Levi said, embracing Y/n in his arms tightly.