CURSE MY LOVE

Chapter 8

                                  The Cheat

I get it when people are so obsessed with their first love. You became the reflection your gender.
But I must be content, I can't say you're the worst and it is not like I deserve all the good things, that is what contentment taught me.
Back when I was young and naive I thought I was grooming myself to be better so that I can find someone to share my life it.
I huff, scoff and I want to slap my old self now for thinking that way.

I couldn't be that for you so why bother thinking of somebody else.
At first I thought marriage was a blessing well there are rare lucky ones.
They taught us to be a good wife but right now I am doing it for myself.
Well I know I have bills to pay but I will think of me first. I can't relate to Jax Song like my father and I crossed my fingers when I can't help but sing that that is not a wish, I am just singing a good song.

I don't know if I am being selfish wanting more although there is contentment so I have decided to do all the good things I was taught to do for someone else for me.
It became a habit saving money and when you made an excuse why you can't perform your duty I felt sorry and I gave you all that I had knowing it was the right thing to do.
You promised me something and you got me excited and with the little I saved you asked and I just give it but then one day you snapped at me for using the money I saved to buy things for me.
It was a waste to you.

Your hurtful words continued when I reminded you of the promise you made and you went about how I should focus on my studies and not to waste your money and you even promised that that would be my last chance if I messed it up.
I remember vividly when I called you with a smile on my face and at the end of the call I was pulling strings in my face together to put on the smile and hold the tears in as a friend was watching.
The called ended but I had to pretend you were on the other line and say the goodbye with a smile and I went somewhere and I cried my eyes out and I remember begging God and this time using my royal card for him to help me.

Maybe it was written for me to be independent but when you made that sad face and said you had nothing when I asked you to fulfill the promise you made you said you have nothing and I should have kept the little I had but I gave it to you again. A few hours passed and I heard you talking and when your friend asked you for money you sent him some like it was an emergency but we both know he did it to scam you.
That betrayal hit damn hard and you went on pointing my flaws like I can't be your partner when things get hard.
Well I was pissed and you were right, I wasn't that partner who was going to follow you to the fire again. You left me to burn and then blamed it on me that I didn't totally burned.

This betrayal hit me to the core and I started teaching my heart how to live without expectations.
I had to get it myself whilst you attend your more important matters.
I had to be content, I shouldn't make a big issue out of me wanting something.
I just watched you spend it all away and it is not like I could say anything, it is your money.
I didn't want to talk to God about you to change it is not like I was going to open my heart again I just wanted the part where it hurt most to be numb till it reaches the perfection I want.
To feel nothing.

I was never your priority and I sometimes curse or maybe wish that karma was a bitch.
That someone will be as this caring and loving but I canceled that deal, I didn't want another person to go through what I am feeling now.
One is enough and it is not like I was going to open my heart and accept it.
All that I would be asking if I received that help is what do you want from me in return?

You were never sincere from the start and you made it look like I am the one who is never satisfied.
Like I am self centered and don't think of others when I haven't felt like that before.
The one I thought will be giving me the attention never looked at me.
I know that you have someone you care about and that is not me.

That is cheating.