CURSE MY LOVE

Chapter 5

                        Never Was I His Queen

                                   Wife

I never got to wore the crown of a princess, my dad wasn't a king. He was a whore with pride. ( this is my words as I am observing my mother's life, she is too kind to say this but I guess he is not my father). Remember the irresponsible father I talked about yeah I had someone in mind and I guess it is my mother's father and my father's father too.
It is not like they didn't have the money, they had, they were considered rich back then and could have done something and this is how dark their souls are.
I hope they rot in hell, well for now this is for my father's father, my mother's father will follow him soon.

Sorry I had to recall my daughter's words.

I don't need to do a study to show you this is the attitude of most men, those that were considered good died way too soon, I guess God needed His angels.
I guess the whole world was jealous that I got someone better, a perfect gentleman.
Even his sisters were jealous that I took their best brother and not to go in the heads of all those girls that wanted to be the Mrs...

Scoff I should have thrown the wedding bands instead of the bouquet and run.
I regret all the time I declined when he gave me money and that was the dating stage, damn I should have asked him for car and lands in my name and at that time he would do it.
What was the point of proving to him that I was a good woman?
Or maybe was it my blood? The independent blood? Maybe that. Of course it is the blood. That will make the regret lessen.

I was ready to go down the fire with you and I did but I ended up burning.
I thought it was the two of us and our family that we were going to raise and you called me selfish without even hearing the other part of the story.
Charity begins at home but that was not the case, for you charity is your family members not your home. You made them look at me like the adorned queen because they think of how generous you are and literally I am voted as the one who benefits the most.
We could be starving at home and you will be yelling that you have no money but then I will see you giving all you have to your family members like I was a stranger to you.

I wasn't asking to care for me but I would be grateful if you have treated me like how you do for your family members and strangers.
Marriage didn't let you consider me a family, to you I was a stranger who took your name and one day give birth to your kids. There is no life for us, it is like we did our duty and that's all.
I couldn't reason with you because to you that is selfishness, your family first and you always give account to me when you have spent the money.

Our first child, that is something to celebrate about, well you didn't say that you didn't want the child, to you it was part of the duty to bring forth offspring of our own if it is God's will.
It was almost time, I wasn't working at that time and I asked you to give me money to buy things for the baby and it was the same old story.
I didn't say it but it was like I was the invisible witness to you giving it all away while you told me you have nothing.
It was almost time and I was like Mary, my baby had nothing to cover himself and although I was in labor I had to talk to my baby and explain things to him why he has to delay for a while for me to get things together and he listened and it happened like a miracle.

You taught me to be wise and that i can never rely on a man. I had to be independent and that was when I decided that I will be ready the next time before giving birth although when I said that why daughter said why didn't you stop and get a divorce?

We have been like this and I was determined to never think about the hurt, I focused on my babies and I knew no one would take care of them like I would do and all that I was asking God was to give me the strength, bless my work and give me a long healthy life to care for my babies.
You were good with the kids, you care for them, paid their school fees because you nitpick how your father couldn't, you were faithful with me and that I can even lay my life for that and I guess getting these qualities the world will call me greedy if I say I want more.

The cliché words you hear is women are never satisfied, what more do you want?

You never cared about what they will wear because to you it was just a waste and you even complained how they have many things to wear whilst others don't. You believe to be all righteous and you always scold them when they ask you for such things but you sympathize with kids that tell you that they don't have a father or their father doesn't care.
I thought I could keep it to myself and let my kids believe what they see but you started acting that way with them the way you did with me.

You will say that you don't have but they all know now how you prioritize other kids over your own. You have said it countless of times how it is a waste when you spent on them but it is different with other kids because they have to be content and be grateful to have a dad in their lives.
Those kids you care for more than your own sometimes look at your kids with a smug on their face, like saying we are like you but deep down in your kids' hearts they know those kids are the lucky ones.
They only wears the crowns of a prince and princesses but deep down they ain't.

My eldest daughter has suffered the most, all the hurtful things you said, she remembers it all and it saddens my heart to see how she thinks of marriage now. She told me she won't marry because of you, she is going to do all that she can on her own and she might pay you back for all the money you said you wasted on her. I remember hearing her cry at night because of the words you said when she couldn't make it to the scholarship interview you asked her to go, it was midnight and on her birthday.
She acted all fine in the morning and didn't even tell us it was her birthday until late in the evening when we remembered and it didn't make any difference.

You never apologize anyway.

Not once, not twice or thrice but more than that you have hurt her emotionally and she huffs when marriage is being mentioned.
I told her she will find someone better and I am scared of how her eyes gleam with something unknown. She said she is not going to marry but even if she did she has thought of divorce in advance, she knows she can't completely rely on anyone.
She is independent I know and I am proud but as a mother I am worried that she might go through with her plan.
All that I want is for her and other siblings to have a wonderful life in all aspects of life.

At her age she makes a face when I asked her if she has someone.

I guess they found out that I was never your queen.