CURSE MY LOVE

Chapter 3

New Discovery

After dating myself my whole life, I have no regrets. I am experiencing middle life crises well technically I am at the legal age having crushes and desiring to date and getting married is the next step in my life. Friends and age mates are getting married, some even have babies but there is this part of me that I couldn't understand back then and I read it somewhere that I could be hyper independent.
I loved to date yes well back then but it lasted for a short period of time when I hate the feeling of my heart constantly thinking and behaving out of control for someone else instead of me.

I hate being vulnerable like that and out of control. It is funny because I even bribed God every single year for me not fall in love even crushing was out of the question, I needed my heart to be only mine, feel free and above all be at peace.

Boys making my heart skip a beat are not my favorite, I keep them lingering on my heart until I produce immunity so that they can no longer have control but not once did I opened for them to enter.
I hate this guy up to this date, I was playfully crushing on him and I got mad when he actually liked me back. The nerve of him to like me back.
I am always attracted to what I can't have and I lose interest when he like me back.

I was young back then and I allowed my Delulu boyfriend Justin Bieber well we really moved our relationship to the next level where we had babies and I kept him safe from the world, I am not that confident to compete with the world, he could never hurt me because all his words and actions were written by me and the place we existed was at the beginning of creation, we were the only ones that existed.
I really took it far, he was a famous celebrity but I kept my hope up believing anything can happen and he even had a girlfriend and weirdly I even shipped them. He helped me cut off all feelings for reality but I guess I couldn't be honesty even with my imagination, how can you shipped someone you claimed you love and I recently realized I wasn't far gone with my delusion, reality checks in now and then and I knew it could never happen so I started hurting myself so that it wouldn't hurt.
I know I have low self esteem but I call it taking control, I eventually broke up with him.

At least I had the immunity, I couldn't make a deal with God concerning falling for imaginary handsome men, how can He take me seriously if I approach him with my delusion. All that I asked him was to protect my heart from falling for men in real life and he kept his end of the bargain and I took charge of falling for as many as possible so that they will be lingering around my heart and none could enter, I know it won't happened anyway thanks to my first imaginary boyfriend breaking my heart like that.
When I got to the legal age and dating wouldn't have been bad I started resenting it, it is like my eyes and ears were opened and I could see the manipulation and the lies in their copied proposals.
They always make me roll my eyes and scoff and sometimes I realized how invested I am to myself and I imagine someone who claims to be my boyfriend calling and seeking for attention, gosh I would be the problem in the relationship.

The only ones I believed in are those in the story books and in movies.
Real men began to exhaust me and I wished I could make them disappear. But something strange happened instead of fantasying about dating in real life I felt comfortable with someone I never thought of. Well we practically grew up together and our relationship has been longer than those of K drama childhood friends, we literally have been together since God thought of creating me.

That's me. Surprise!

I felt comfortable with myself. Gradually I started having no use for people who thought could get me out of my loneliness.
I was never alone with myself instead I felt peace and happier and I planned on taking a trip to somewhere far away from humans only if I will get something to eat and the Wi-Fi will be good.
Never have I ever complimented her and even when I did well once in the blue moon I regret it in a second. I have been mean to her but our bond is unbreakable and deeper and I guess that's why we are still together.

I always think of why I am having this strange behavior and I recently got to know why I am like this.
I am at the age where I am legal to get married have kids and my parents are actually asking like when are you getting married and having kids like they are literally saying I can bring a random man home, put a ring on his finger and we have my parents blessing to leave together and do strange things together to have a baby and they won't mind.

Wow!

I still feel uncomfortable watching a kissing scene with them even in cartoons and they want to give their blessing to do what they did to have me.

Eww. Gross!

But this is me right now, I hate it. I don't wanna get married, I do love kids and I want to have some but I am even terrified.
Not once have I planned and give marriage a thought and the last time I told myself to make such plan just for fun and see how it goes, I laughed at the idea and couldn't even start.
All that I wanted is to find my purpose in this life so to make me less useless, be successful and that's all. I really want to make someone proud before she leaves this earth and imagining the places I want to take her to and all that I could do for her seems like a purpose to me, I won't have any regrets and my soul felt at ease thinking about it.

Why am I like this? I asked myself and I got the answer today. It has to do with what I have experienced. My mother was never treated as a queen and poor girl never got to be a princess, her dad was basically a sperm donor.
She became her own queen and not because of a man. I am afraid of becoming like her. I am proud of her self made queen and the way she carries herself like she literally needs no man by her side because she is fine but she is only staying for her babies.
I want to be like her be a self made queen. My friends asked me about my ideal type of man and I told them a few not about his appearance but I talked about some personalities and some behaviors I can't tolerate and they concluded that my type of man doesn't exist in this world so if I want to get married I need to compromise but God knows that will be dangerous, I might snapped at any moment and disaster will follow so I decided I won't deal with this shit.

Don't tell my mum she will be heartbroken because she believes there's someone good out there who will treat me like a real queen so I should pray and that made me  scoff.
Why should I pray for someone to treat me right? It really hurt my pride so I thought I will pray that I treat me better. I know I have low self esteem but such nonsense is out of the question.
Maybe I was born to be alone and it is not that bad and even when I am old and gray and lying on my dying bed I hope I won't regret anything and even if I do I am only human and regrets are part of the journey.

I tell myself maybe i have had perfect marriages in my previous lives and now I want a change.

It is either all or not!