I Four-Letter You

12

12

Lightning

"Sure ka? Hindi kayo magkakilala?" tanong ni Kate sa SSC room.

Ethan, on the other hand, knows we know each other. Nandito siya simula first year. Our names were loud before, so of course the rumors were tainted in his head too. He knows we had a thing.

"Nope!" I said while shaking my head.

Singco was watching me intently. Like he's trying to weigh my intentions. He's not talking. Hindi ko malingon. I may be great at pretending, but deep inside I am in chaos.

Simula noon, ngayong ko lang siya nakita. Graduating na kami ngayon. Ngayon lang siya nagpakita. Bakit pa? Graduating na...

Buhay pa pala siya?

Lumingon si Kate kay Singco na nakatitig sa akin nang malalim. When our eyes met earlier, I felt something. The way he looked at me and the way he held me when he wanted to talk to me spoke so much volume.

I shook my head.

"Kayo na muna bahala sa head ng docu team," tukoy ko kay Singco at tumayo na. "May gagawin pa ako."

I didn't hear anything back from them. Siguro napansin din nila ang pagbabago ng mood ko.

Sino ba namang hindi? He appeared just like nothing happened, same as through when he left. Hindi ko ba alam kung bakit bumalik pa siya.

My kind of KKK is gone to the wind. Like a bubble popped mid-air.

"So... nandito nga talaga siya?" gulat na gulat si Essa. "Seryoso? The audacity, a?"

Nasa harap kami ng school, sa may harap ng tindahan. Umiinom ako ng tubig samantalang may hawak naman siyang milk tea. Ukit na ukit sa mukha niya ang inis at pagkairita.

"Yup. Nagpanggap na lang akong hindi ko siya kilala..."

"Dapat lang! Huwag na huwag mo na 'yang papansinin! Grabe 'yong ginawa sa'yo..."

Tumango ako habang nakatitig sa bato na nasisinagan ng araw.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mas magandang move. Nagpanggap na hindi siya kilala at back to square one, o ipakita sa kaniya ang tunay kong nararamdaman. Get mad, ignore him, or be mean towards him all the damn time.

Hindi ko na alam.

Just after you thought you're starting to be yourself again, they ruin it by showing up to your face as if nothing big deal happened.

How brutal.

"Affected ka pa ba?" tanong ni Essa, nakatayo habang nakatitig sa akin.

Nakaupo ako sa pahabang bakal habang nakatitig pa rin sa bato.

"Just mad."

Affected ako. Not just mad. Affected ako nang sobra. I was so shaken when I saw him. I was so wobbly while seated in the same room with him earlier. The realization that he's back sent electric current in my veins.

Bumalik na si Essa sa classroom niya. Hindi na kami magkaklase dahil nag-shift siya. And it was normal. Because not all the time our plans from the beginning will stick up to the end.

She felt stressed the moment she realized she had no choice but to shift. Bumagsak siya sa isang subject. Taxation. And from there she realized that all along she was only trying to fit in. She wasn't enjoying the program at all. She was only trying to survive. Ni hindi n'ya raw nakikita ang sarili niya na nagta-trabaho gamit ang kursong napag-aralan. And her decision was valid.