I Four-Letter You

11

11

Too soon

Just...

How can a person go from saying they love you to never seeing you again. They made you feel so special then leave you hanging behind. No words. No anything.

Like nothing happened...

Like you're nothing...

Just a passerby.

"'Di ba siya affected? Parang walang nangyari..." I heard from a schoolmate after a few days of the start of the second semester.

"Kahit sino naman masasaktan kapag na-ghost. Baka 'di lang pinapakita na nasasaktan."

"Hindi na ba talaga bumalik si Theo?Na-ghost ba talaga siya o lowkey lang sila?"

After COA night, our year-end party, was the last day of the semester. After that night... he vanished.

Umaga no'n, wala akong natanggap na mensahe galing sa kaniya. I let it slide since I knew better that everyone has their own lives. We do things secretly for personal reasons. Kaya hinayaan kong walang paramdam sa unang araw.

But after a day passed again, that's when I d started reaching out.

Ako: hi! are you okay?

Sa Messenger ko 'yon sinend pero hindi delivered. I tried sa Instagram pero wala ring reply.

Ako: may problema ka ba? you can talk to me :)

Sa isip ko, baka naman may problema lang sila sa bahay, o sa pamilya. I wasn't sure, tho. We never had that kind of close connection. We had never spilled personal secrets. We kept our personal relationship exclusive and out of external dilemmas thinking it was the best move. But I thought I was wrong.

I was clueless of his whereabouts. Or what problems he was possibly facing.

Ako: hi! are we good? hindi ka na nag-online after that night. I'm thinking that you're probably just facing personal struggles right now, but at the same time I'm thinking you've changed your mind and just got carried away that night?

You're living a peaceful life, then one day they break the fences you've built in, then they disappear leaving the damages undone. Like it didn't bother them. Not a single bit.

And you suffer alone. You suffer cluelessly. You suffer the hardest, while you don't have any idea what they were doing. Whether they were struggling too, or already living their best life.

Ako: Singco, it's been a week. Hindi ka ba talaga magpaparamdam. I'm new to this but I know I kinda deserve an explanation.

Ako: Hindi ko na kasi maintindihan, e. You told me you love me... then you disappeared. What happened? What's happening to you?

Ako: I'm actually worried too. Kung ano nang nagyayari sa'yo. Bakit biglang ganito? Ayos ka lang ba?

Ako: Singco...

No reply. No seen. No anything.

I was desperate to figure out what was happening to him. Kung sa akin lang ba siya ganito, o sa lahat. I asked Rico about him.

Rico: Sorry, Race. Hindi rin kasi siya nagre-reply sa amin, e. Kahit sa group chat walang paramdam. Try mong i-chat iyong mga Chinese niyang kaibigan.

And I did.

I didn't even hesistate. Kasi nag-aalala ako. Kasi gusto kong malaman kung anong nangyari sa kaniya. It was so frustrating, but I had no choice but to do something.