Turning A New Leaf

Forty-Two

"Babe, I know we have talked a lot about the bad things about Lainey and your relationship. You want to tell me about some of your happy memories with her?" Atira asked as they were winding down for the evening, Rocco in bed already.

Krist stretched out in bed, "Fuck, baby, I wouldn't even know what to say?"

"You obviously had to have liked something about her, right?"

"You don't feel weird sitting around talking about my ex?" He gave her a confused look.

"Maybe if we were talking about Nina," Atira admitted, "Roll over so I can rub your back."

Krist pretended to be inconvenienced by her order despite the fact he loved her back rubs. Atira squirted lotion onto his bare skin, massaging it in. "I'm serious, Krist. You two weren't back and forth because you disliked everything about it."

Krist closed his eyes and thought, "I don't know. I mean, she could be fun sometimes. She was kind of like you with being optimistic and upbeat. I'd be in a shit mood, and she'd do goofy ass shit like start dancing or make up songs so I'd knock my shit off...or get more pissed off at her."

"What kind of songs?" Atira asked, rubbing a knot out of Krist's mid-back.

"Just dumb crap, it was always to the Scooby Doo theme song's tune. She had one that she sang that was like, 'Kristy Kristy Pooh, you are cute even though you're kind of bitchy. You're super rude, but you're you, you're a little bitch crybaby.' It used to drive me fuckin' up the wall, and I'd get all mad. She had other ones she'd sing, but that one was the main one.

"Sometimes we would be hella high and get these big ass rolls of...I don't know what it's called, like newsprint paper. The big brown rolls? Anyway, we'd just be fuckin' geeking, and we would fill that shit up."

Atira stopped rubbing his back, "You draw?" She asked, surprised. "I think that paper is called butcher paper, by the way."

"Yeah, yeah. Butcher paper. That's it. I used to draw, not no more, though."

"What kind of stuff did you draw?"

Krist chuckled, "Dude, shit like skulls and demons. I can do, like, graffiti art, too."

"How did I not know this about you?" She asked.

"Didn't seem important, I guess," he replied, resting his chin on his forearms.

"Do you have any other special talents that I don't know about?" Atira asked, genuinely intrigued.

Krist began to laugh, "Bro, I used to rap."

Atira bust up laughing, "No way!"

He cracked up, "It was straight garbage, but me and Jeordie both did. He probably still has that shit somewhere."

"Oh my gosh, I need to hear this awfulness," Atira grinned.

"Imma have Jeordie dig it out. It's one hundred percent bad, though," Krist laughed.

"What made you stop drawing?"

"Just started to associate it with dope an' shit. There's a lot of stuff I avoid now because it's so tied into my brain as tweak things," he told her.

"Such as..?" She asked, running her fingernails down his spine, something she'd discovered he loved the sensation of.

"God, all kinds of stuff. Certain music, places. I ain't even try to go up to Longview no more because all my mind associates it with is fuckin' dope. Dude, sometimes even shit, just like driving around bumping music at night. Certain people, obviously. I don't know. It sounds hella dumb, right?

"Sometimes I'll be just sittin' at my work desk or on the fuckin' toilet, and I'll see a vein pop out just right and think, 'man, I could hit that shit.'  Dude, the other day, I had my arm tucked up under my knee," Krist sat up, pulling his knee up and slipping his forearm under it to demonstrate what he was talking about, "and this vein right here," he ran his index finger along a visible vein on the outside of his right wrist, "straight popped. I was like, 'goddamn, that'd be a good one.'

"Then I was like, 'What the fuck am I doing?' I mean, like, I obviously ain't tryna get high, but when they talk about triggers, they ain't playing. They're for real. I'm not religious, but, man, sometimes I wonder if this shit ain't why they say people got their demons because some days it really does feel like I got 'em. You probably think I'm hella dumb, huh?"

Atira studied his handsome face, "Not at all. I don't know anything about addiction, so when you tell me these things, it helps me understand it all. So, you think about it a lot?"

Krist shrugged, "Not on purpose. I hate thinking about it. I dream about getting high sometimes, and it legit fucks my whole day up."

"Do you worry about relapsing ever?" She asked softly, "On meth?"

He shrugged, "Yeah, I mean, of course I do, but I'm not trying to let it happen. That's why I didn't try to talk to nobody really at the funeral because I have done dope with a few people were there. If Fernando weren't Rocco's uncle, I sure the fuck wouldn't kick it with him either."

Atira grimaced. She would rather that he didn't associate with Fernando but was technically family.

"Lainey passing, that doesn't trigger you at all to use?" She wanted to know.

"Hell no," he replied quickly, "If anything, it makes me glad I got clean because that could have been me." Krist's eyes diverted to his hands. "I think someone had a plan for me when Rocco was born because I had no reason to stop, ya know? I don't know...I been thinking about that a lot the last few days.

"I keep thinking about how things could have been if I hadn't been clean. The life Rocco would have had...I mean, my mom and Bill would have just taken him and raised him for me, but how fucked would that have been?

"Or what if they didn't take him and I was all strung out trying to raise him with Lainey...like he could have found me or her dead or gotten into something. He could have had a real fucked up life because of me." Krist's voice broke off, Atira could see tears forming in his eyes. "I fuckin' hate to say this, but, like, in a way, it's good me and Nina's baby isn't here. I mean, I wish he was. I wish I could have met him, but at the same time..."

Atira was quiet as she placed her arm around him. The words were harsh, but she understood what he was getting at.

Krist blinked back his tears, "I been thinking a lot, a lot about everything I've done to people since Lainey...died. The shit I did to her, to my mom and Bill, to Nina.  Fuck, even my piece of shit Dad. 

"Just thinking a lot about the shitty person I was, and almost like feeling guilty? Like, my life is pretty good now, but what about Lainey's life? It's gone. She's gone. She had her own problems, but she was a good girl, ya know? And she died alone, thinking that nobody loved her. I know you listening to me ramble and cry over this probably got to be awkward as hell, right?" He forced a smile.

"Krist, honey, not at all," she assured him, rubbing his back, "I think it's good you're talking through all these thoughts you're dealing with and not bottling your emotions up."

Krist sniffled, "I feel like a little bitch right now," he told her, laughing through his tears, "Thanks for putting up with me."

"It's my job," she told him, "And I wouldn't want it any other way."