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ᴘᴏᴇᴛʀʏ ᴏꜰ ᴏɴᴇ'ꜱ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ
they say that one who truly hates themself cannot love another, but my love for you is my life itself. i am yours in heart, awake and aslumber, in body, mind and soul. i live to love you, there is nothing left for me besides that.
It is a curse, eternal life and youth, no matter how beautiful it may start out as.
It is a curse, to watch all that you love wither and die around you; to watch them live and die.
It is a curse, and one that he will never wish upon anyone, not even those he dislikes.
Eternal life and youth makes one callous and incapable of loving oneself. It makes one reckless and hopeless, for they have no fear of death; of a final peace to their suffering of life.
They continue on, dying inside, and never finding a reprieve; a moment of peace.
They say that one who truly hates themself cannot love another, but it is far easier to love someone if they are not yourself.
Looking over at the third year uni student, Pran cannot help but love him. He is so simple; so human, unburdened by life and death.
Oh, how he wishes...
Pran wishes that he did not feel so much as a flicker of fondness or adoration for the boy, for it would make it much easier to leave.
He would not be regretting; he would not feel this guilt.
He should not feel this love... Oh, he really should not... It is wrong; painfully so.
But his love for Pat is Pran's life itself. He feels whole once again, as he waits for Pat to farewell his friends and hurry over to Pran, like an overeager puppy.
It's utterly adorable.
Pran aches for his heart to let Pat go, but his soul screams in fear. Never. He will never.
"P'Praaaan," Pat teases as he runs over, almost barrelling into Pran. "You should have told me that you were coming! I would have—"
"I'm not staying, Pat. I'm here to say goodbye."
"You..."
Pran ignores the stab in his heart from the tears in Pat's eyes. "I can't stay here."
"But... You said that you would stay! Why are you doing this to me? You told me that you—"
"Pat, what I told you... It means nothing. You have your whole life before you, and I cannot be your life. Not with...what I am."
Pat shakes his head. "Then I will—"
"You will do no such thing. Eternity is not a blessing, it is a curse, and I would rather kill you myself than let you suffer it with me."
Pran hates himself for saying such things to Pat; hates himself for having to play the villain, when all he wants is to...
Oh, he hates himself for ever setting foot back in Bangkok two decades ago. He hates himself for tracking down his family's few descendants and praying that they give him shelter.
He hates himself for finding friends; for finding Pat. He hates himself for loving Pat.
Pran taps his fingers above Pat's roaring heart. "I am yours in heart; day and night; in body, mind, and soul. I live to love you, Pat. There is nothing left for me besides that."
Pat blinks back tears. "Then why—"
"Because you deserve so much more than what I can offer."
"Pran—"
"I will not watch you wither and die, grow old, while I remain the same. It is a torture that I will spare both of us from, theerak... Do not ask me to stay. All you will do is make me hate myself more than I already do."
"You told me that you love me..." Pat says, voice shaky. "They say that one who truly hates themself cannot love another."
Pran swallows. "Pat..."
"Which one is it? Do you not love me because you hate yourself so much, or do you not truly hate yourself because you love me?"
"Your question means nothing, and my answer doesn't matter."
"Pran, please. Humour me, before...before you leave me..."
"No. I won't, because I won't put that burden upon your shoulders for the rest of your life."
"Tell me!" Pat is hysteric, clinging to Pran. "Please, tell me..."
Pran swallows harshly, fighting back his tears as he pulls Pat into a hug, not wanting to let go of his reason for living. "I love you, and it is my love for you that makes me incapable of watching you die, Pat..."
It is a curse, eternal life and youth, no matter how beautiful it may start out as.
It is a curse, to watch all that you love wither and die around you; to watch them live and die.
It is a curse, and one that he will never wish upon anyone, especially not the one he loves...
